z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Goldfish Princess

by AwesomeSauce


Pets are those types of animals that everyone would enjoy. They’re just a comfort thing for when you’re alone to when you want the whole world to shut down. Every day, I see animals running around the place as if it’s a zoo. They’re everywhere I go, on the streets, in the sky, they’re everywhere! I wish that I had just one pet that would stay in its place. Even though I’m talking about pets to you, I don’t own one. I decided last week that I would go down the corner store and by something. I just don’t know what though, that’s the problem.

My mum always says that I need to get my head in because I don’t have any friends to call my own. It’s not my fault though, they always laugh at my face, giggling away about so many things. One of the problems is my hair, they say it’s like wild vines that are all crunch together in one massive ball. I just stare at them flatly, sighing at their stupidness. First, I’m a guy, but they keep calling me a girl and second, it’s not my fault. I have asked my mum dozens of times to get my hair cut, but she says that I look better with long hair rather than short, also she says to brush it.

Why is the world so mean to me?

So, right now I’m in the car, getting driven to the pet store. My house is quite a long way from the city where the store lies, so the ride makes my eyes heavy. The trees become one blur, making the fields go out of site. The sun isn’t out today, instead thick white layers of snow blanket the walkways, making people dig through the wall; the snow is very thick on this fine winter’s day it may seem. Buildings come into view, and before I knew it, the country side has vanished with the wind, as we enter this world of the city. It’s so big, massive buildings just cover each walkway, making the road routes very confusing.

My mum had, somehow, managed to find the pet store. It’s such a cute store in my opinion, the chime makes lovely music each time someone opens it. I close the door of my side of the car, running up to the window. I’m a teenager and I act like a five year old when it comes to puppies. They’re adorable though, running after each other, their hair bouncing with the movement. As I place a hand on the window, they stop, looking at me with their hug brown eyes. Before I got up, they all rushed to the window and started to lick it, their slobber mucking up the glass, making it hard to see their faces. I sigh, strolling inside.

Why would you need to see the animals in the pet store when you can hear them? It’s so noisy in here, all the high pitched squeaking from the guinea pigs and the playful barks from the puppies. I don’t want to have a pet that will give me a migraine every second of the day though; I want a pet that is peaceful yet interesting, something that shines in the light whenever under one.

I glance over to my left, spotting something odd. It’s a tank full of goldfish, but there’s something else about it. I walk up to the tank, minding all the pet gear that is in my way. I made my way to the round tank; or rather goldfish bowl, and bend down. This thing is set on the lowest shelf of all the fish here, which doesn’t make any sense. I mean, it has fish in it, so why does it need to be set on the lowest shelf for?

I take it out, dusting the glass. It’s just your regular goldfish tank, with multiple colours for the rocks on the bottom of the tank. Goldfish were swimming around in a circle, with this blank expression that the fish wears on his face. I sigh, standing up. However, as I am about to walk away, I notice something unbelievable.

It’s hair, brown hair flowing with the water. My eyes widen as I made my way back to the fish bowl, picking it up. The movement made the girl sway all around, making her to lose her balance, falling off the goldfish she was riding. That’s when I realised something; a girl is in the goldfish tank, swimming around with them. I didn’t know what to do; I was panicking a little to be honest. She is cute though, her brown orbs are huge and full of curiosity. Her dress was a weird one, white and lacy, which goes up to her knees. To me, she is cute as a button.

I walk up to the counter, placing the tank on the counter. One of the staff giggles as I mention the girl, when she ended up saying that there’s no girl in there. I look in the bowl again, noticing that she wasn’t there. I groan, paying for the fish and walk out of the store with my mum.

As we drive home, I notice that she came back, this time smiling. She waves, and a waves back, uncertain. This is weird, but she’s mouthing something. I can’t make out what it is, and she stomps her feet on the pebbles below her. My mum asked me what I am going to name the ‘goldfish’. I look back, only to see Goldfish Princess written on the glass frame.

I look out the window, “Goldfish Princess.”

My mum looks at me, raising a brow, “That’s…unique, Sam.” She continues to drive in silence, but I chuckle. That is her name, so that’s what I’m going to call her.

She is the Goldfish Princess.


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 11:05 pm
dogs wrote a review...



"and by something"

I like your opening Awesome :). Also I think you mean "buy" instead of "by" in this line. Also, I've noticed that in all your short stories you tend to write in a narrative format. I urge you to step outside your comfort zone and maybe try a different style of short story, just to broaden your writing skills :). It's always a good exercise for yourself.

"to get my head in because I don't have any friends to call my own"

I am a little confused by what you're trying to say here. How exactly does one "get their head in?" Always be sure to clarify your meaning for the reader to follow.

I like the description of the blurring trees that you use. Nice imagery there, well done with that :).

"I sight, strolling inside"

I love the adorable scene with the little puppies. But why is the character sighing? Is he sighing dreamily or sadly? Try to clarify that.

I think before your character gets to the goldfish bit, he should explore the Pet shop more. Is this his first time going to a pet shop? If so explain his anxiety or his feelings and how he feels overwhelmed by the commotion and what not.

Cute ending, I like the idea of the Goldfish princess that you use. All and all a good piece with some great ideas. Try to flesh it out a little bit and give us some more plot line before you bring it to a close. I enjoyed reading this piece, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




AwesomeSauce says...


Thanks, dogs!



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Sun Feb 24, 2013 2:08 am
Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...



Salutations. I like the idea here, and the character is interesting, but...a bit cliche, I think. However, the ending is not cliche, and the resolution of the character (although there wasn't much of one) may make up for the cliched nature.
A few suggestions:

Every day, I see animals running around the place as if it’s a zoo.


What place, exactly? I wold suggest using a different word here.

They’re everywhere I go, on the streets, in the sky, they’re everywhere!


The repetition of "they're everywhere" isn't necessary here, I think. Perhaps if you had a longer list, but with only two things I think this would be better as "They're everywhere I go, on the streets and in the sky."

Even though I’m talking about pets to you, I don’t own one.


The first part of the sentence seems a bit...weak. I would suggest rewording it, or not using it at all. It also breaks the fourth wall, and I'm not sure whether you want it that way.

I decided last week that I would go down the corner store and by something.


Buy something, I think.

My mum always says that I need to get my head in


What does "get my head in" mean, exactly? In what?

It’s not my fault though, they always laugh at my face


There should be a comma after "fault". Also, I would suggest making the comma after "though" a semi-colon or add a conjunction after the comma in order to avoid having a comma splice.

One of the problems is my hair, they say it’s like wild vines that are all crunch together in one massive ball.


This is a comma splice; turn the comma after "hair" to a period or semi-colon. Also, I think that should be "that are all crunched together".

I just stare at them flatly, sighing at their stupidness.


Stupidity, I think.

First, I’m a guy, but they keep calling me a girl and second, it’s not my fault.


"It's not my fault" was just used in an earlier sentence, so perhaps reword it to add variety. Also, this sentence doesn't really make sense. What are they giving reasons for? These two clauses don't really fit together.

I have asked my mum dozens of times to get my hair cut, but she says that I look better with long hair rather than short, also she says to brush it.


The comma after "short" should be a semi-colon or period.

Why is the world so mean to me?


I like this line, and I think it's the central one for the character.

the fields go out of site.


"Out of sight", I think.

The sun isn’t out today, instead thick white layers of snow blanket the walkways, making people dig through the wall; the snow is very thick on this fine winter’s day it may seem.


This whole sentence is a bit of a run-on and contains a comma splice or two. Perhaps make that "The sun isn't out today; instead, thick, white layers of snow blanket the walkways, making people have to dig through the wall. The snow is very thick on this fine winter's day."
(I don't think "It may seem" is necessary.)

before I knew it


That should be "before I know it".

the country side has vanished with the wind, as we enter this world of the city.


The comma isn't necessary here.

It’s such a cute store in my opinion, the chime makes lovely music each time someone opens it.


This is also a comma splice. Make the comma after "opinion" a period or semi-colon or add a conjunction after it.


Before I got up, they all rushed to the window and started to lick it, their slobber mucking up the glass, making it hard to see their faces.


This changes from present to past tense. This may, in fact, be describing the past before this, but if so it would be better earlier in present tense than here, where it interrupts the flow of the narrative.

I don’t want to have a pet that will give me a migraine every second of the day though; I want a pet that is peaceful yet interesting, something that shines in the light whenever under one.


Firstly, a comma is needed after "day". Also, "whenever under one" isn't really necessary; shining in the light implies a light.

I made my way to the round tank; or rather goldfish bowl, and bend down.


That should be "I make", I think. Also, the semi-colon isn't really correct here. I would suggest "I make my way to the round tank, or, rather, goldfish bowl, and bend down."

This thing is set on the lowest shelf of all the fish here, which doesn’t make any sense. I mean, it has fish in it, so why does it need to be set on the lowest shelf for?


Instead of "thing", I would suggest "tank" or simply "it" in order to clarify. Also, the "for" at the end of the sentence isn't needed.

It’s just your regular goldfish tank, with multiple colours for the rocks on the bottom of the tank.


Here, "tank" was repeated. "Rocks on the bottom" is fine without "of the tank".

Goldfish were swimming around in a circle, with this blank expression that the fish wears on his face.


This sentence needs some rewording, I think. Firstly, that should be "are swimming" (keep tense consistent). Also, the second part of the sentence doesn't really make sense. Perhaps "wearing blank expressions"?

I made my way back to the fish bowl


Make my way back

The movement made the girl sway all around, making her to lose her balance, falling off the goldfish she was riding. That’s when I realised something; a girl is in the goldfish tank, swimming around with them.


Firstly, this goes to past tense, when the rest of the story was in present. Also, this whole thing is a bit...confusing. Perhaps put the realization that there is a girl in the tank before you describe her.
Also, that should be "making her lose her balance" or "causing her to lose her balance", not "making her to".

I didn’t know what to do; I was panicking a little to be honest.


This is in past tense as well.

She is cute though, her brown orbs are huge and full of curiosity.


This is a comma splice. Perhaps change the comma to a period or semi-colon.

Her dress was a weird one, white and lacy, which goes up to her knees.


Here, the first part of the sentence is in past tense.

I walk up to the counter, placing the tank on the counter.


Try not to repeat the word "counter".

One of the staff giggles as I mention the girl, when she ended up saying that there’s no girl in there.


This also goes to past tense, and even in present, the second part doesn't really make sense. Perhaps re-word that.

I look in the bowl again, noticing that she wasn’t there.


Past tense again.

I groan, paying for the fish and walk out of the store with my mum.


That should either be "walking out" or there should be a comma after "fish".

As we drive home, I notice that she came back, this time smiling.


Past tense again.

She waves, and a waves back, uncertain.


I think you mean "I wave back".

I look out the window, “Goldfish Princess.”


The comma after "window" should be a period.

My mum looks at me, raising a brow, “That’s…unique, Sam.”


The comma after "brow" should be a period.

So, all in all, I think this is an interesting idea. Besides a few grammar and tense issues, it was a good story. Good job, and good luck with any future stories!




AwesomeSauce says...


Thank you, I have troubles with tenses, I'm not sure why though. To me, it's really weird. Thanks for pointing it out.



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Fri Feb 22, 2013 11:10 am
Animal wrote a review...



OK, We begin first I will start with grammatical mistakes.

I decided last week that I would go down the corner store and by something.


Did you mean 'buy something'? You wrote 'by', certainly by mistake.

Why is the world so mean to me?


That really stood out. :D

In second paragraph, I like the way you wrote about yourself. You also have feelings and flaws too. I appreciate it.



I loved it. It was so fantastic but fantasy are always fantastic. But this was adorable and I would like to point out a thing about which I am not sure.

Spoiler! :
They were just a comport thing for when yo were alone to when you want the whole world to shut down.


I don't know that there should be 'comport or not' but I am not sure that it will be 'comfort'. Comport is a verb, so I think 'comfort' should be there. If I am wrong, then please IGNORE.




AwesomeSauce says...


Thanks!
Yes, it was supposed to be comfort. I am a bad speller.




Have a biscuit, Potter.
— Professor McGonagall