It was late at night and in retrospect Joanne Watson should really have been in bed. At least that was what her doctor would tell her. But she didn’t need to listen to a doctor considering that she herself was one. Joanne was walking along the edge of a street having just come out of Starbucks. She held a warm coffee in her hand with smoke drifting from the lidless cup and dancing in the midnight air.. The moon hung high in the sky and stars would have been in the sky. But Joanne knew better than anyone that with the pollution in London the stars were rarely visible. She missed that.
When she'd been abroad the stars had been out nearly every night and they'd hung high in the sky like candles in a dark room.
But she wasn't abroad anymore. She was stuck in London and she was on her own.
Several minutes down the street was Joanne's apartment block. She'd taken to spending her mornings walking with her laptop to Starbucks, getting the same coffee and searching for jobs on the internet. Not the greatest daily routine but right now it was all she had. Joanne didn't have the option of spending vast amounts of money on activities to fill her time.
As Joanne walked down the street she allowed swirling smoke to escape her lips. Like the steam of her coffee it danced and after a moment or too it fled into the night air like a horseman in a field. She walked through the bright lights of street lamps and past happy couples and rowdy teenagers. But she did little more than notice them. They were a twinkle in the corner of her air; just on the edge of existence.
Joanne reached her apartment block and stepped inside. The warm air of the white walled lobby welcomed her inside and she felt the comfort of the blue carpet on her icy feet. She walked across the lobby and pressed the button for an elevator that was embedded in the wall. After a moment or two the grimy doors slid apart and she stepped inside. She pressed the button for floor 21 and after a moment or two the doors closed and the elevator grinded upwards…
Joanne stepped out of the elevator and into the long corridor which was comprised much like the lobby. White walled and blue carpeted. Heavy metal doors were crammed into the walls and plaques with numbers on were above their door frame. Joanne walked to the end of the hall and grabbed her keys, with some difficulty, from her pocket. She carefully inserted them into the lock of the door, twisted and pushed the door open. She stepped inside her tight knit apartment and closed the door behind her. She placed her coffee on a small table next to the door and leant her walking stick against that.
Jo locked the door behind her and chucked her keys into a bowl that faithfully sat on the table where she'd placed her coffee.
Joanne's apartment was small and L shaped. At the far end of the room was a sofa that faced a television in the corner of the room. A long coffee table knelt before the sofa like a servant and an armchair sat next to it. On the right of the door was a kitchen in a tight corner of the L with an oven, a sink, a fridge and a black marble sideboard. The floor of the apartment was wooden and on the left of the door was an empty doorway that led to Joanne's bedroom.
Picking up her walking stick Joanne slowly trudged over to her sofa, forgetting her coffee, on which her laptop lay. She sat down and picked it up. She opened the lid and turned it on. After it started up she selected her user and logged in going onto the internet and logging into her email account. Joanne tried to kid herself that she'd maybe had a reply to one of the few jobs she'd applied for but in truth there was little hope for someone who'd just come out of a profession like hers. However, what did hide in her inbox surprised her.
It was an email from a Mr C Holmes.
Joanne tentatively clicked on the email to open it subconsciously worried about what she might find. Nevertheless she read on…
Dear Dr. Watson
Allow me to introduce myself before we continue. My name is Mr Charles Holmes and I am under the impression that you have recently left a career due to medical conditions. I have little doubt in the belief that you are in need of a job.
Would you kindly allow me to present you with one?
I have a son, Sherlock, in his early 30's, not much older than yourself as far as I know, who is in desperate need of a companion.
Nothing untoward I assure you. He has recently escaped a severe drug habit and he needs help getting back on his feet. I kindly request of you to help him make the journey from his rehabilitation life to his normal life.
Please be aware that if you intend to take this job then you will be sharing a house with my son and will need to take regular drug tests with him. His residence is in London and I shall be sure to keep your current home preserved in during your job.
At the end of your assignment, should you complete it to the necessary standard, you shall be paid with £250,000.
I shall pay for anything you need during your time with my son.
Should you wish to take the job reply within 48 hours.
Your sincerely
Mr C Holmes.
Jo thought for a moment. A very long moment indeed. She needed a job. She was running out of money fast and a few months from now she no doubt be kicked out of her rented apartment. She couldn't risk giving up this job and looking for another and then run out of cash and end up homeless. After a moment or two Joanne clicked the reply button and started typing.
Dear Mr C Holmes…
1 Month Later
A tall thin woman walked down a street where the houses rose three stories high and where made of a pale stone. The winter had run away and the heat of spring was seeping in. The sun hung high in the sky and placid birds tweeted their happiness at the warmth.
The woman's hair was long, black and silky. She had piercing blue eyes and warm, cherished skin. Her lips were full and warm and caressed in a pale pink lipstick. She wore a light grey jacket beneath which was a grey top and a pair of jeans. On her feet the woman wore a scuffed pair of red converse trainers.
Over her arm an expensive looking leather handbag was slung and in her right hand was a waking stick which was slowly rapping against the ground as she walked. The woman turned left into a street, walking past a sign bearing the words Baker Street.
She headed down in on the firm pavement past the cobbled road and passed houses with black doors and pure, clean windows. She walked down the street and, as she neared the end, turned to a house with the numbers: 221b on a metal plaque next to the door. The house was made of pale grey stone bricks and the windows on all three floors were encased in black frames the same black as the door. The golden knocker of a lion sat on the door which the woman grasped and whacked against the door.
There was the loud sound of someone clumsily running down stairs and then the clicking of locks being unlocked. The door opened and a man stepped before the woman. He was tall and thin with pronounced cheekbones and locks of long, wavy black hair which framed his face. His eyes were a pale jade and there was stubble around his mouth. He wore a Black Sabbath t-shirt and a pair of black jeans. He was barefoot and looked agitated.
"Yes!" the main exclaimed "Who are you what do you want?"
"My… my name's Joanne Watson" the woman replied "Your father sent me. You are…"
The man interrupted and finished her sentence for her
"Sherlock Holmes." he said "Yes."
To be continued
Loved it! Trying a little too hard to be modern.
But I LOVED IT.
HAVE YOU SEEN Sherlock?
There are a few mistakes with commas, mostly the absence of them, which causes a few run-ons. There are also a few instances where three or four sentences start with the same pronoun. Read it through to yourself, carefully and deliberately, and you'll see what I mean. The absence of commas interrupts the flow because the reader doesn't know when to insert a pause or a stop. Also be careful of ellipses. One or two are incomplete, and its confusing. Try no to use them at the end of paragraphs, as well. But the story itself is great and has lots of promise. I like the way you re-imagined Sherlock Holmes. Very nice, and very promising. I know I can't write mysteries, so good luck
"lidless cup and dancing in the midnight air.."
Howdy Cap! Dogs here with your review as requested. Ok, two things here with this line. Firstly, try to omit all useless words whenever you can. Try saying: "lidless cup, dancing in the midnight air.." Secondly, if you're going to use ellipsis in your writing (the dot dot dot) than you must do it with three dots, can't be four or two dots unless the lack of dots or excess of dots is adding to your writing. Which I don't think it is here. Also, try to avoid using ellipsis because it usually breaks up the flow of your writing. Try just putting a period at the end of this line.
"they'd hung high in the sky like candles in a dark room."
you can play with tenses here to omit all useless words. Maybe try saying: "hanging high in the sky like candles in a dark room."
When I think of morning, I don't imagine the crack of dawn as in a few minutes after midnight. So I think you should specify what you meant by Joanne going out in the morning to starbucks, because right now (as you previously described) it's midnight.
"it danced after a moment or too"
One, you already used "danced" as a descriptor for the smoke. Try a different word, excellent imagery though. Secondly, you mean "two" and not "too."
"elevator grinded upwards…"
Don't use the ellipsis here. It looks sloppy, make a definant stop with a period.
"White walled and blue carpeted. Heavy metal doors were crammed into the walls"
Nice descriptions you use here, although the issue I have with these two lines is that you use "wall" twice a little too close in proximity to one another. Try editing one of these words out.
I'm confused, why would Jo be picking up her walking stick when she's in the house and just to get to the sofa? Unless she's blind... (unlikely). Also, why do you just not switch from calling her Joanne to Jo? I like the nick name, but save it for a little later in your piece.
Like what Nether says, make the letter italics to clearly seperate it from the rest of the writing.
Nice ending for this piece, although in the "one month later" bit, don't describe Joanne as "she" as "she" has already been introduced as "Joanne" and should be named "Joanne." Interesting twist on Holmes, I'm curious to see where you will take it. Although, one big note is that notice how many lines you start with "She" or "Joanne." It gives you writing the feel of: "and than this happened.. and than this and than she did this and than and than" of course I'm exaggerating, but there is a minor feel of that in your writing. Fix up that choppiness and you'll be looking good. Nice writing here my friend, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
It's probably a good thing that I have never read any Sherlock Holmes books . . .
Your grammar is really pretty good, minus a couple of points.
Is that smoke or steam in the beginning? I'm thinking steam, but I'm getting confused, because I keep hearing smoke.
Note: Only burned coffee smokes.
A quick suggestion> Italicize the email that Mr Holmes sent her, it would be a good touch, just to emphasize the letter if nothing else.
I know a number of people who would tell me that this story has too much detail in it . . . I can also tell you that I totally do not agree with those people. I love stories with a lot of details, the more the better in my opinion.
And you sure have a details galore going on here, nice work though.
But be careful, you can make it so that your details are pointless if you put in too many.
It starts to become row after row of things that are pointless to mention.
Just a note there.
13? Wow, I was nowhere near as good as this at that age.
I don't even think I am now. ^^
Nice work, it really flowed well, and I found myself enjoying it, not just reading it!
Keep writing!
Hey CaptainFinnick!
I'm going to do a quick review. I'll focus on character, the body of this story, and idea. I'll tell you what I liked about your story under each section, and I'll also provide some advice for each section. Here goes!
Character
Joanne- You have two separate introductions for this character. I enjoyed both of them, but you could cut the second one out by moving it in earlier in the story. This is what I suggest, because you include some details the reader would like to know from the start.
I would've liked to see some more feeling from Joanne. Just so we can figure out how she feels about being jobless in London, losing her career, and details like that. Right now the work is primarily focused on moving the story forward, so once you are finished, be sure to flesh out your characterization.
Sherlock- Sherlock Holmes is one of my least favorite characters from anything ever, but from his introduction here, I might actually be able to stand him! The Black Sabbath shirt was a nifty detail, the type that I'd like to see more of with Joanne.
We only got a brief glimpse of him, so that's all I've got on characterization
Body
Primarily, I would've liked to see some more characterization of the setting. When I say this, what I mean is, what effect does Joanne have on her apartment? Her complex? The people on the street? We know her apartment was L-shaped, but show us how she's effected her home. Let us play archaeologist, let us piece together details about her from her home, and her interpersonal relationships. This will not only expand your setting, it will also provide us with more details about Joanne.
Be sure to go back through and proofread some more, you missed a few things. I wouldn't mess with that until the actual idea bare bones of the story is finished, though.
Idea
As I said before, I'm usually not fond of Sherlock Holmes. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle always seemed like a cheating hack to me. But I think your remake will be far more original, inventive, and intriguing. I've never read about a teenage Sherlock, I think his situation will have better stories in it than the originals.
Well done Finnick, keep up the good work, and keep writing!
Hi Captain! Here I am as requested
This is something I find myself pointing out a lot and something I am also guilty of! When you are writing your first sentence (or often any sentence) you want it to be concise and snappy so you want to cut away any extra, 'fatty' words and the big culprits are things like 'just' or 'really'. They often add nothing to a sentence except for extra weight and not in a good way! In brief, you could easily lose that really from this sentence and it would be much more dramatic and attention-catching.Specifics
1.
2. The repetition of 'the sky' makes this awkward! Try re-phrasing, maybe something like: 'The moon hung in the sky where the stars should have been.'
3. Proofread this! I'm not gonna do it for you
4. Maybe air was a typo or maybe you were trying to be unique, I'm not sure! But it isn't working. It's awkward as your reader is expecting eye and while a cliche, they are willing to overlook that and carry on with your story, but the change is just odd enough to pull them back and make them sit, puzzling over it, but not odd/ quirky enough in the funny sense for them to smile to themself, put it down to humour and carry on.
5. Avoid repetition at all cost! You really can't use the same phrase in two consecutive sentences (after a moment or two) unless you're going for comedic effect or enacting a similarly purposeful plan! Re-phrase please.
6. Wait, how old is Jo? She has a walking stick? Is this age or disability? I was imagining someone in their late twenties since she's out of work, frequents coffee shops and is using a laptop and the Internet to search for a job. So! You need an explanation to accompany that walking stick and if she'd old, we need to know this earlier. In fact, I feel that we should know she'd hobbling before now because if you mentioned it at all, I entirely missed it. Something like this is a vital part of her description. A reader can quickly re-paint hair colour or the hue of a person's eyes, but age and mobility are big changes to make!
7. You mean the coffee is on the laptop surely because if you put a laptop on a cup of coffee, you're going to have a whole lot of problems.
8. Skip some of the minor details! Okay so I like a lot of these descriptions and what you're able to tell us about Jo, i.e. she's a coffee drinker and she's out of work. But! You don't need to describe every little activity for us, the ones in mind being her logging on to the computer and typing in her password. It slows down the story and makes it feel like we'll never get to any action. Which is no good! You've not given us enough hints of an exciting storyline to hold our attention yet so if it doesn't heat up soon, you will start losing readers. Make sure you give us something in the beginning that will stay with us throughout the whole chapter and preferably the whole novel.
9. I'm loving the e-mail but I want to see a more immediate reaction from Jo. Where's her surprise? First that someone is offering her a job and second that they know what career path she has left, are holding out a crazy sum of money and are making a strange proposition. I want to see her surprise, then her suspicion and of course her curiosity! It would be really good if you showed her going through the range of emotions and then applying logic to the situation.
10. Okay and then we blend into the previous way of starting, excellent!
Overall
I like this start much better, but I feel your more vivid description of Jo needs to happen earlier in the chapter, but I like that we now get a sense of how she's jobless and a little bit desperate. Anything you can do to emphasise those emotions would really help and then extend the scene with the e-mail as that's really crucial and how she reacts will tell us a lot about Jo's personality. Far more than the fact she likes coffee or that she has a walking stick can
This is developing nicely! Feel free to link me to more sections or ask me to take another look after you've made improvements. Speak soon!
Heather xxx