Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic


im never gonna be her

by sharonkekana


my smile may remind you of her
my walk may take you back to the first
time you saw her
but wait a minute and think im not her

( chorus )
i am me and theres never gonna be another me
and im never gonna be her
she may replace me but she will never replace
the memories we had together

As much as i love you i can let you go
and i can promise you one thing that oneday
ama forget about you like you never existed in my life.
ama stop running in circles chasing you
 im chasing you whilst you're chasing her
 so whats the point of us

( chorus )


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
36 Reviews


Points: 2330
Reviews: 36

Donate
Fri Feb 22, 2013 2:25 am
KylaThompson wrote a review...



Hello, my name is Kyla and I'm leaving you my review.

I've never heard the song before but I really like the chorus. I was a little confused because you had some grammar blimps, but I still think it is good. I think it is sad, but I still think it is very sweet. I love the emotion in it as well.




User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 517
Reviews: 7

Donate
Thu Feb 21, 2013 4:47 pm
EmBird wrote a review...



Review:

In terms of grammar, just capital letters and apostrophes need to be included.
Was this intended as lyrics?
As for the concept, its a great concept, there's a sadness, but also a strength included. A subject that I'm sure a lot of people could relate to.
I always like poetry to be a bit more mysterious and a bit more metaphorical, but as for lyrics, a very good concept.




User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 618
Reviews: 10

Donate
Wed Feb 20, 2013 8:41 pm
bullhead21 says...



:) It's not really sad..it's has a more liberating tone




User avatar
1210 Reviews


Points: 29861
Reviews: 1210

Donate
Wed Feb 20, 2013 1:40 am
View Likes
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Sharon.

GeeLyria made some good points about telling this story in a new way and introducing correct grammar. I basically second everything she says. However, what I wanted to bring up is your confusing use of tenses. The title and the first verse reads like he's seeing the speaker for the first time, but she reminds him of his ex. The rest of it makes me think the speaker's the ex and "her" is the new girl. Which one is it? Personally, I think the first one is less common, but I think you were going for the second one. In that case, revamp the first verse accordingly.

The chorus is okay, but the second verse isn't doing much for me. You have some imagery in the first verse but here there's not much I haven't seen before. I might re-focus this to contrasting the two. What does the speaker have that "she" doesn't and the guy wants?

Minor grammar point: I think you meant "I'm-a" when you wrote "ama". Personally, I think "I will" is stronger, but in any case I'd rewrite it to make it more clear.

Overall, I think if you clear up what's going on here and use more imagery, this could be a lovely song. Keep writing! :)




User avatar
532 Reviews


Points: 1271
Reviews: 532

Donate
Tue Feb 19, 2013 7:09 pm
View Likes
GeeLyria wrote a review...



Hi there, sharonkekana!

I am GeeLyria and I will be reviewing for you today.

Note: I'm sorry if this review is a little bit too harsh. But before you read it, know that I'm not attacking you personally (as a writer), I'm just giving you constructive criticism.

I am going to be honest with you; I am not sure if I like this song or not. Mainly because your lyrics are telling a very common situation in a very common way. Writing about common situations is not bad at all! In fact, it is great. But when that happens we can get a little creative and take the simple and transform it into art. Words have that power. Most of the time it's not about what we say, it's about how we say it. And to be honest, I don't find this piece very special. ~ However, I am aware that the tune you give it could change my mind a bit, because sometimes it's more about the music than the words.

Anyway, the other reason why I am here is to encourage you to use proper grammar. When it comes to the title, I have heard that what is grammatically correct is to capitalize the first letter of every word, excluding the prepositions. Which means that the correct way to write your title is "I'm Never Gonna Be Her". When it comes to the lyrics, all the apostrophe's are missing, your I's (pronouns) aren't capitalized, and I don't think there should be a random period in your second verse (in fact, I don't think lyrics should have punctuation at all). Also, "ama" is not a word in English; I am pretty sure you meant "I might". I know this makes me sound obnoxious and that my suggestions might sound lame, but it is actually very important because the more professional you are, the more serious they will take you and your writing. Proper grammar and consistency will get you far! And I know you can make it. :) You just need to walk that extra mile.

That's pretty much all I've got to say. Hopefully, I expressed myself correctly. However, feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Keep writing! :]

~GeeLyria




User avatar
191 Reviews


Points: 8890
Reviews: 191

Donate
Tue Feb 19, 2013 7:00 pm
View Likes
carbonCore says...



Spell-check before submitting your work, or you're going to get a lot of angry reviews.





The best books... are those that tell you what you know already.
— George Orwell, 1984