Young Writers Society

Hello! Sarah here for a quick review!

I love the rawness of this poem. So much emotion is crammed in and for once, it's blatant. Poet's often lose feeling in their poems behind flowery language, so kudos to you!

My only advice would be to show-not-tell more. I feel like a stronger description at the beginning of the poem would make the reader sympathize with the narrator more. Simply telling us about the narrator's struggles can only go so far. Guaranteed, a lot of the time in this particular poem, the telling works. It's refreshing. But try to strike a balance.

Good job and keep writing!

Sarah

Firstly, I would like to say I love the subject of the poem. That is after the first reading. Now, the first stanza is excellent.

I look in the mirror,
And no longer see a little girl.
I don't see the smile that used to light up the room.
Or the laughter in my blue eyes.

What happened to this stranger?

Was it the words?
The cruel, cruel words,
from the people that I became to hate,
the people I became to envy.

I just can't believe I was stupid enough to believe you,
when you said best friends forever.

I'm like a robot,

the anguish that never leaves me behind,

and the loneliness which has become my only companion.

Hello there Unknown! Knight Tucker here to save your piece from the dungeons of the greenroom! To start, you have a good poem going on here, a tad bit overused of a topic, but you make it work with your writing style. You lack some opportunities to use some stronger imagery, but we'll get there. Let's dive in to ze review.

"I don't see the smile that used to light up the room."

Ok, nice opening you have here, I would have preferred if you add in a little bit more description of what you look like, more so than a loss of innocence, but do you look mauled or menacing? Try to expand upon that idea a little bit. Also, in this line I believe "light up the room" in reference to your smile is overused, look up "light" in a thesaurus and try to add in a more descriptive word.

"Replaced by a horrible kind of pain,"

Ok, nice job here giving us some more plot, although I think you need to describe the pain, what is it doing to your heart, is it lacerated to shreds, or shattering like glass? Give us some more info here.

"the people I became to envy."

Nice job with this line, I like how you play off with the fact that you hate them but you envy them. Which is usually the cause of why we hate people.

I think my favorite stanza is the one about how you're like a robot. That's an excellent comparison and I think you should apply it to the rest of your poem. How she walks like a robot and even talks like a robot, but feels nothing and only numbness. I think you should play with that idea more.

Interesting ending, I like the use of "anguish" in the second to last line. All and all a good poem just in need of some polishing. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh