Young Writers Society

Heya there DarkAngel_05, I really liked this!!
My review is most likely just gonna be a combination of all the other reviews you got.
I think this would do well as a song because the theme is super relevant and I think a lot of people would be belting this out at anybody that has betrayed them.

It had a really good rhythm to it but some bits seemed a tad long.(this could just be my imagination as I am not sure how this meant to be sung.)

I thought that you could have gone so much deeper and used a bit more expressive language in bits of it. It looks like you shortchanged yourself a bit with some phrases like
>I'll tell you to listen to my song and lock yourself in your den<
>may be cool and trendy<
>end up being kicked in your sleep<

Because of the rest of your song is so great, these lines seemed a bit clunky and lacked substance. It was almost like you rushed those bits and just stuck something angry in there when you could have used such simple and hard-hitting statements to get your point across.
Despite all these little fiddly bits I really loved this song!! SkyeJanexxx

Haha just noticed this was posted on Valentine's Day! Perfect, right?

Overall, I think there's some good stuff here. The chorus is simple but strong and I liked the second verse. It has some clever lines and insults.

I'll tell you you're a liar just in case you need the truth
I'll tell you how to beat all the hell out of you
I'll tell you how stupid and sorry you can be
I'll tell you every detail how you're ruining me

And if you're thinking how to hit me with your foolish words again
I'll tell you listen to my song and lock yourself in your den

Hey there, darkangel_25! I'm Arc, here to review!

So, I think with these lyrics you've definitely put forward a lot of emotion which was felt by the readers. it can sometimes be hard for lyricists to do that. so well done! Some of your lines are really effective, and quite clever.

I do, however, have quite a few critiques. Firstly, the verses, I feel, don't really have a rhythm or beat to it and it's all really just one big cluster. It almost feels like a big rant rather than lyrics. I did say a couple of your lines are quite clever, but some of the others are just a bit cliched, and not really well thought out. I think this song has bags of potential, you just need to change a few things. Perhaps to do this, you can add some more interesting vocabulary or a really clever metaphor when dealing with this.

Secondly, your structure is way too obvious and boring. Verse, chorus, verse, chorus? *yawn*. Come on, I know you can do better! You could add a bridge to make things more interesting, vary the lengths or your choruses and verses and I think you'd be okay.

Lastly, the rhyming seems quite forced. Like, I know a lot of songs rhyme, and they sound better when they rhyme, but this seems to forced. Sometimes the rhymes are even out of place a bit and so mess up with the flow of the song. They're also quite obvious as well, so yeah, I think you need to work on that.

Overall, like I said, this has loads of potential, it just needs some changing and adding to!
I hope I was helpful, please PM me with questions or if you want anything else to be reviewed!

Keep Writing!
-Arc

Helloo! Guineapiggirl here to review you!
So, I wouldn't listen to this song, myself. That said, if you attached a decent beat to it it would have better content than most pop songs around.
Basically, I'm reviewing this as poetry and it's a little bit lacking. Like the chorus:
'Cause you mean less than nothing to me
You're less than nothing to me
Yeah you mean less than nothing to me
You're less than nothing to me

It's extremely repetitive. Repeating stuff like that is what I would call lazy writing; each line should bring us something new on the topic and this really doesn't do that.

"If I am a loser well you're not a human being"

Just a little bit harsh...

"You may be cool and trendy but I know that's all you've got"

This is quite a good line. It's a little deeper than the rest of the piece.

Another thing is that I don't think you've got one proper rhyme in here, just lots of half rhymes. Like two words ending in 'ing' is not really a rhyme. And anymore and far don't rhyme.
I will congratulate you on your excellent grammar.
Sorry if I've been harsh. I hope I've helped a little.