Young Writers Society

Hi! I'll be reviewing your poem today

I like how you've strongly put across your opinion into a poem of peace being non-existent to you. You've put your anger towards it well. But i'd suggest just some minor changes to it.

Firstly, your sentences are quite long so you should cut them so they're shorter for presetation purposes, otherwise everything flowed together.

I think you should re-arange the start to, your second part of the poem, the first part about the cancer and last breath should be the closing, it seems like more of an ending.
E.g.

Does peace exist?
Why would someone invent
such a word if no one was ever
meant to prove its existence.
"Move on" is an easy term to use,
when you can't.

I think by writing I will make the
pain go away.
But everything I write makes the
pain even greater.
It's like a cancer eating me slowly,
knowing it cannot be stopped and
bullying me 'til my last breath.

Maybe something like that? Out of curiostity what lead you to the conclusion there's no such thing as peace? Explain that more in your poem.

Overall great poem! Hopefully this review was of help to you.


- Infinity

Reflecting to the story, it seems like you're bugged or somewhat controlled. There's so much hatred and I believe you want to break-free from it so you wrote it instead.

I agree with the one who had commented. It would be better to have proper punctuation and breaking of lines.

I prefer to read poetry with simple yet striking words such as this. Uhm.. I'm not really a good writer so I can't advise much. I just hope to see more of your works soon.

Hi there!

To start, I have to say I really like the concept of this piece. It's nice to read something a little more origional after a while, and I found that as I continued to read this, I realized I'd seen hints of the same message in other poems. It seems to be a concept used quite often to convey others. I'm glad to see that you've found a way to isolate it so well using so few words.

However, like all new poems, there are a few things that could be improved on here:

1. "and bullying me 'til my last breath."

I think that replacing the word 'bullying' with 'pushing' or 'beating' would fit better. But of course, that's just my opinion.

2. "its like a cancer eating me slowly, knowing it cannot be stopped"

'its' should be 'it's'

3. "Does peace exist? Why would someone invent"

I think that the line 'Does peace exist?' would make more impact if it was left on its own. Again, it's just my opinion.

So, overall it was a great piece!

8/10

Keep writing! ^u^

-w&w

I loved the reference to cancer and how you emphasized the pain. I enjoyed reading this story. Keep up the good work!