Young Writers Society

I liked how this piece opened with a moment that all readers can relate to, and then twists to reveal the person's apprehension. I could feel a sense of defeat while I read this, giving the end sentence more of an impact. I am yet to read your other work so I can't make much suggestion. Looking at this piece alone, my only thought was describing their apprehension a little deeper. E.g. where the thoughts are referred to as 'the reason to all the bad choices', maybe use something stronger like 'the initiator' or 'instigator' of bad choices? kind of like describing the thoughts as not just a reason, but a perpetrator, something that has lost their trust over time. I hope I'm not way off the mark with my impressions (I don’t have much experience in reviewing). I thought it was great

I love the opening sentence. It hooked me right away because personally I love dreams and I love being able to live in this alternate world with it's own struggles and impossibilities. The piece stared of generic but got very personal to you. Or the ficional narrator. I see self doubt and enjoyment in what you describe as the dreams.
This is hard to review since it is neither a poem nor a story. It's not an essay it jut seems to be your thoughts. I find it hard to judge what you are trying to follwow. I can't review the beauty of your words becaus they have no comparison.
I can give you a few suggestions on exucution.
I think you repeated a few ideas too many times. The word continue and about life stopping. It's good to state this at the beggining and the end but you kept putting it in. I though "didn't I just rea that?"

"For a certain time, every single night, something special happens. Life stops."
I'm not sure I like this first sentence; first, it sounds like something that would be in a children's story. Also, if it happens every night, I don't know that I'd call it "special," necessarily.

"Do I just continue with my life whilst everyone else stops there's?"
*theirs

"I will just be a follower and be as boring as everyone else. I'll let my unconcious thoughts dictate me. And, without even realising it, I will become just like everyone else. And we will all live happily together- even though we all seem to secretely hate each other. We will worship the leader who may or may not exist. And we will continue this until the day of death."
'Until the day we die' may be a better choice of words. Also, *unconscious, *realizing, and *secretly.

I do like a lot of the ideas portrayed here, however. I have a friend who's got anxiety and is perpetually making these kind of statements, and I think you managed to capture a lot of the emotion that she also expressed. That being said, I felt as though you were having a conversation, rather than really managing to express the idea in a way that was particularly articulate. It seemed a little rambly. It was written well, but lacked a certain layer of strength or depth that would have been nice to see.

I think this would benefit from a lot of writing and rewriting. If you could expound upon these ideas, it could be great (and it's already revealing a lot of potential).

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx

Hey! Since you reviewed some of my work, I thought I'd return the favor.

Life stops. Your life stops.

What if my thoughts genuinely scare me and are the reason to all the bad choices I've made in my life.

Do I just continue with my life whilst everyone else stops there's?

We will sleep alone with out thoughts. Forever.

hullo! Guineapiggirl here to review! Firstly, I need to correct dogs (and you) on one thing.
The matter of the whole 'there's' business. It shouldn't be there's. That's abbreviated 'there is', as dogs said. However, it DEFINITELY shouldn't be theres! That isn't even a word! It should be theirs. No apostophe. Theirs- belonging to them. That is what it should be.
OK, just thought I'd do that first...
I don't like this: " Life stops. Your life stops." The second sentence is saying the same thing as the first sentence. You don't need to do this. It's just annoying. THe ending is a bit like that as well: "We will sleep alone with out thoughts. Forever."
Firstly, you mean our not out, I think? Secondly, I don't think you should have the forever at the end. It seems sort of tacky. I get that you're trying to emphasise it, but I personally think that leaving it at 'we will sleep alone with our thoughts' would be better. That is a bit terrifying, really, with what you've previously said. Ending it like that makes it seem more sophisticated.
"What if my thoughts genuinely scare me and are the reason to all the bad choices I've made in my life"
Firstly, this needs a question mark. Secondly, I'd like you to expand on this.
I agree with dogs about the distractions... bit.
I don't like the unlikely.
Now then, on to goods. I think this is quite an interesting subject you've tried to do. I would like you to expand it a bit though. I also think that because this is such a short piece which is sort of exploring something you should use more techniques and stuff. All of that stuff. And you're sort of trying to persuade us to think like you do about dreams a little really, so some use of rhetoric techniques might be good.
"I will just be a follower and be as boring as everyone else. I'll let my unconcious thoughts dictate me. And, without even realising it, I will become just like everyone else. And we will all live happily together- even though we all seem to secretely hate each other. We will worship the leader who may or may not exist. And we will continue this until the day of death."
I don't entirely follow this whole paragraph. It's the most meaty part of your whole piece but I don't quite get what you're trying to say.
I hope I've helped. Sorry if I've been harsh- I think you've got a great writing technique and you could do some really, really good stuff.

Hello there Artic Monkey! Dogs here with your review today. Ok you have an intresting piece here, good writing topic and for the most part your writing style is generally smooth. I like how this is short and too the point, not leaving any room for the reader to lose intrest with this piece and it's intresting throught your reading. Although when I read this I came across a few minor errors that you need to fix.

"No distractions..."

Ok so your issue here is that you shouldn't end a paragraph with a "..." It is just ending on a weaker note and it breaks up the flow. I would suggest that you just take that out. If you want to put it in the middle of your paragraph, fine. But certainly not at the end.

"Do I just continue with my life whilst everyone else stops there's"

Ok firstly, you shouldn't use an elizabethan style of writing on "whilst," just say "while." It'll reader smoother and it sounds nicer. Secondly, "there's" is a contraction for "there is," or posessive. so that doesn't make any sense, just say: "theres."

Ok your third paragraph is packed full of fragment sentences. When used effectivly the fragments can work towards your writing in a postivie way, however in this case it just makes your writing incredibly choppy. You start two sentences in a row with "and," firstly don't start sentences with "and" or conjunctions or because. Sounds and looks sloppy. Also when you use and or then for the beginning on sentences constantly, it turns into a piece that reads: "and than this happen... and than this happened... then he did this. and then... and then.."

You have a good ending, I like the length of this but you certainly need to work on those fragments. All and all it's a good piece but just needs a little bit of polishing. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh