Young Writers Society

Good afternoon,

This is a very emotive piece, which falls into the general genre of romance poetry. There is definitely a good, strong idea of feeling portrayed here, but then this also carries the air of a first draft, as though you are responding to real life and haven't really refined your ideas properly and fluently. Let me explain.

A bottomless pit
becomes my heart

I see what you've done here by taking a very cliche notion "My heart becomes a bottomless pit" and turning it on its head, which would be fine except it doesn't work. The heart is the subject and not the pit, so the syntax seems messy. There must also, surely, be a way of expressing the burden of pain you are about to go on to describe without having to succumb to such a well-known and over-used phrase. As this is the beginning of your piece it does matter a lot!

filled to the brim
with an endless pain
an agonizing pain
so heartbreaking
it cripples.

There's little experiment of form here and therefore the repetition of the "pain" is feeling tiresome a little too quickly. Perhaps if you want to dwell on it you shouldn't be afraid to be a little more experimental. Something such as,
Full with pain
Right to the brim
Agonizing,
Heartbreaking,
Crippling.
This also isn't perfect - a little too list-like - but do you see how it is already more original and engaging? There's less repetition and more focus.
Perhaps even changing "crippling" to "And I'm crippled" would be more definitive and powerful an ending to this stanza. It's up to you, but there are my suggestions.

You left me again
after my second chance
was given
after I poured out my heart and soul my all
my everything:
you told me
I could trust you
I could tell you anything...
Did I conform to your game?

Beginning with the second person address "You" means you've made this part of the poem very personal indeed. Therefore you're expecting the reader to now empathise with you - so get straight to the point! There's no need for "was given" and I have removed it. I hope that my edit on the next two lines and the colon lead-through punctuation helps you to see how easy it is to improve fluency and also encourage empathy. They're small edits but I think they work very well in your favour. I don't like your use of ellipses "...", but that is just a personal thing. I think it's lazy punctuation. If you want to encourage the reader to pause and think, give them something to think about.
The last line, the rhetoric, is so out of place - "conform" - what? This word is far too formal for the drama your lexical choice is previously implying. The whole line, even, is too ambiguous to properly understand because we don't know anything about the game - as far as the poetic context is concerned. Either give this idea its own stanza or lose it, because the stanza is stronger without.

I was someone to toy with
ro to mess around with

Like in prose, 'telling' isn't what most readers like. We prefer to be 'shown'. Poetry is probably a place to stress this even moreso. I know it's difficult when writing personally but you should try and illustrate how you feel used, an accusation in a poem such as the one above usually just appears a little too much like its accompanied by a twang of teenage angst.

until you found someone
worthy of a relationship
I was nothing to you
so tell me why
you became me my everything?

I like the fluency here, you've done that very well. What I don't like is the content, but that's only because it isn't very original. You're unlucky in that respect. I'd recommend you give this stanza to showing, as I said previous, how you feel used rather than telling us of your accusations. It seems too much a spill of feelings, as if it were indeed a "first response" or draft.

I tried holding back
the feelings growing inside
somehow I knew
you wouldn't be there
to catch me when I fell
yet I still did a face plant
as if you were never there.

Why "yet"? This sets it up as though you had the knowledge they were never going to be there, so why is it portrayed as a surprise when you fall? The hypothetical final line suggests they were in fact there and, in that case, this whole stanza lacks clarity. Who's there? What are you really feeling? Is there really a conflict to justify "yet"? Show us!

Now you won't even speak to me
am I not good enough
to even be called a friend?
I let the blood flow
to wash away the heart ache.

I'm starting to be more inclined to like some of the content here because you're progressing your poetry and we're starting to see some narrative, which gives you brownie points for structuring. However what I still can't get along with are the rhetorics. These are directed at the audience of your poem and they don't appeal emphatically enough; you want them to see how unjustifiable it is you're no longer considered a friend but instead we're just shrugging and going "I dunno, is it?", give us some reason and be more emphatic. Don't be afraid to spill out your emotions (including the blues!) and not just the anger/accusations.

You've broken a fragile soul
and deflated my hoping heart
doused the dancing flame
blew the bulb
there's no more light behind my eyes.

Morbid! However by far the best and my favourite lines of the whole poem. Here we have your raw emotion, you're finally showing us a beautiful image of sadness. It's a juxtaposed metaphor us readers can get our teeth into and it is very, very enjoyable. If your whole poem followed this kind of imagery I would be very impressed indeed!

Are you happy now?
You've proven how much
of a dickhead you are
you've torn apart
what little self confidence I had.

It is a shame then, we are to return to the anger. Also, expressions such as "dickhead" work frightfully well in performance/spoken word poetry but what you have here is pen on paper poetry. The art form is completely different. Therefore you'll find a lot of readers will struggle with your word choice here.

I'll slice a little harder
eat a little less
I'll puke a little more
and watch my life supply go down
it's nothing new to me.

These are very intriguing lines in the way they're structured. They're fluent and run off the tongue and, although the imagery is nasty and upsetting, visually this is impressive. You should watch formalisms like "life supply" though as it's a bit jolty.

All I have to do is wait
my body will give up
like my heart and soul
already have.

These are very sad lines and will probably worry your reader. Giving up should be done lightly in your art because it is something that deters all meaning. If you give up, the reader will give up taking things from it. I, personally, would delete this entire stanza and end on the one before because it has a much, much stronger effect.

Hope this helps, keep writing always.
Remember I have only been harsh because you can definitely improve and you will with time, just keep at it.

Cheers,
B