“All full!” The small child bounced in their pushchair. “All full!”
The woman with the tired eyes nodded, and forced a note of cheeriness into her voice. “Yes, all full.”
“What did the man say?” the child wondered, stretching down to bat at their toes with gloved fingers.
“He said there wasn’t any space for your buggy.” She breathed out heavily – not quite audibly enough to be a sigh – and frowned down the street. “Because it’s all full.” The snowflakes were starting to fall again, though the ground was far too wet with meltwater for any to settle.
“That’s what the other man said!”
“It is, isn’t it…”
Along the road, a bus appeared around the corner, neon destination sign glowing in the murky grey of the morning. The woman straightened up and stepped out from the shelter, one hand on a pushchair handle. As the bus drew closer, she raised the other in a kind of half-wave.
It didn’t even stop.
Her shoulders slumped. Pulling her coat closer about her body and her scarf tighter around her head, she shuffled back to the thin ledge the bus stop presented as a seat. Her face was serious as she watched the child, bundled up in so many jumpers, try to twist around and look at the snow behind them.
“That car’s all white!” the child declared. The vehicle in question, speeding past on the other side of the road, was indeed all white – someone hadn’t bothered with an ice scraper, clearly. The woman’s gaze followed it until it vanished around the corner, and then lingered there, where the buses appeared.
No bus came. Cars did, and several vans, but as the snowflakes danced down to the slush, the road remained very much devoid of buses.
She shook her head, blinking, and dragged her line of sight around to the greying timetable, just about visible at a weary angle behind the scratched Perspex cover. There would be nothing more for fifteen minutes, at least…
The child kicked at the air, head tilted to look down the road to the corner. “Is there going to be a not-full bus now?”
The woman didn’t answer. She was staring through the timetable now, not at it, with a thoughtful frown on her face. It was a long way from here to town, especially in the snow. But…
She turned abruptly, looking the other way up the road now. In the distance this way, another bus shelter was just about visible before the bend.
“Is there going to be a not-full bus!” the child said again, louder.
“Not yet,” the woman replied, but she stood up again. Taking the pushchair handles, she turned it around and pushed it out into the snowflakes and slush. “We’re going to walk a little bit first.”
“We aren’t going on a bus?” The child leaned out to one side, trying to look back at where the buses came from. “No bus?”
“No bus now,” the woman replied. She tucked her chin into her chest, squinting through the flakes that batted at her eyes. “The buses are all full.”
“All full,” echoed the child. They twisted back to sit properly, and then bounced suddenly. “That car’s all white, too!”
“All white!” said the woman, glancing over her shoulder as the all-white car sped past. There was nothing to glance back for, of course – no bus.
And if there had been, of course, it would have been all full.
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"Neon destination sign glowing in the murky grey of the morning."
Ooooo love love love the imagery you use here. Great word choice, you also have an excellent start. Throwing the reader into the middle of the scene and letting us unravel what's happening while we read along. Tiny nit pick but you should drop the second "the" in this sentence. So just say: "Neon destination signs glowing in the murky grey of morning" I think that hints that all mornings are murky and grey, which I find is pretty true most the time. Especially on school days.
"very much devoid of buses"
Ok, biggest pet peeve of mine here, "very" is a word that should never appear in any sort of literature, unless it's an essay about how the word "very" shouldn't appear in literature. It's only excusable occasionally in reviews, but the word is entirely unnecessary and can be taken out or replaced every time. In this case, I'd just take it out, or replace it with "quite" if you want to.
Nice ending, way to bring this to a good conclusion connecting back to the beginning. I really only have a few tiny nit picks that I didn't cover yet. Especially when you use the dot dot dot at the end of a paragraph. Looks sloppy and it reads weird. Just put a period there. I really think your dialogue is strong and enjoyable to read. Although I would like to see maybe a different word to describe the "white" everything. You can look it up in a thesaurus if you need inspiration. All and all this was a great piece and I loved reading it, great theme and good writing. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
beckiw pretty much caught any improvements i would have suggested
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all in all, i think this is a fantastic piece! the simplicity of it is what makes it so wonderful, you really captured the woman's character and the relationship between her and the child. great job!
Cadi writing! YAAAAY!
Before I start, I just wanted to say that to my mind you have improved a lot since I last read some of your writing. I'm not saying you were awful before or anything but there's something about the flow of the piece and the way the dialogue's written that seems much improved. So yay for that!
Nit-picks ahoy!
1 - 'her scarf tighter around her head' - This phrase seemed odd to me. I just imagined a woman stood with a scarf completely wrapped around her head. Is she wearing it like...over her hair? Or is she pulling it up around her face? Just think you need to clear it up a little.
2 - 'try to twist around and look at the snow behind them.' - Think you probably meant 'trying'
Other than that, I really quite enjoyed this piece. Apart from the child and pushchair...I can very much relate to waiting at a bus stop for ages only to see a rammed bus turn up and being told you can't get on. So it resonated with me.
I like too how it's just a snapshot of this woman's morning, of just a sort of mundane part of life but yet it's told well and is not boring.
I think one thing I would point out is about the child. How old is this child? I assume fairly young since they're in a pushchair. So I would just recommend being careful with the dialogue for the child. I liked the repition and the 'All full!' but sometimes it seemed like they were saying to much for their age.
Like this bit - “We aren’t going on a bus?” The child leaned out to one side, trying to look back at where the buses came from. “No bus?”
I think it would be better if you cut the first line of dialogue, can't imagine a small child saying it for some reason and just slot in "No bus?" again and then have the child repeat it again after.
Also this one - “Is there going to be a not-full bus now?" - Bothers me a little bit but I'm not sure what you could slot in there. Maybe just like "Not-full bus now?"
So I think it's just reducing some of the dialogue you have down to its simplest form.
Anywho, hope that was helpful. Think you know where to find me if you want anything
Also...you're my 50th review this month
Bex x
Woo, 50th beckew review!
)
I was worried about the child's dialogue. There are a couple of lines I shamelessly nicked from an actual small child I heard this morning, but the rest... yeaaah. I don't spend enough time around children
And the scarf! I mean like a kind of the thin scarf people wrap around their heads and tie under their chin? (And that sentence right there is an example of why there isn't more detail in the piece - I don't know what I'm talking about D: but I will endeavour to think of something better
Thaaank you for the review! x