[Content warning: strong language.]
Diced onion cascaded into the pan, and sizzled where it hit the oil.
“
Limb… by limb…”
Jack stabbed at the pan with a wooden spoon, scraping the onion around in circles.
“
Tooth… by tooth…”
His headphones blared so loud that the tinny blast was audible from a good few feet away, though it hardly sounded like music. Neither, for that matter, was his singing particularly tuneful – he growled the words, lines punctuated with sudden movements around the hob.
“
Tearing up… inside of me…”
He swung around to seize the chopping board from the table behind him. As he swung back, a chunk of carrot leapt from the board and bounced across the floor.
“
Every – shit.”
He gave the onion a brisk scrape around the pan, shoved the remaining carrot in to join it, and stooped to recapture the escapee.
“Stupid bloody thing…”
He stamped on the bin pedal, making the lid slam up against the wall, and lobbed the carrot into its depths. Letting the lid clang shut again, he grabbed the wooden spoon again and jabbed at the sizzling vegetables. In the moments he’d taken to deal with the carrot, the bottom onions had started to burn onto the pan. He snatched the pan away from the heat, glowering at the food as he tried to salvage it.
Some of the onion chose this moment to leap over the side of the pan.
“Oh for –”
Unheard by the frustrated cook, the front door of the house slammed shut. There was stamping, as of muddy boots on the doormat, and then a young woman appeared in the kitchen doorway, pulling off the layers of cold-weather clothes.
“Hey Jack!”
He didn’t turn. She watched him for a few moments, as he threw still-steaming mince from a bowl into the pan, adding new sizzle over the backing track of the headphones. Then, as he set the bowl down again, she darted forwards and snatched the headphones from his ears.
“Hey, what the –” He jumped, almost spilling mince across the hob, and grabbed at the space where his headphones had been.
“I said hello!”
“Good for you! Bloody give ‘em back!” He spun on the spot, with a wary glance back at the hob, and made another grab for the headphones. “Beth!”
“Alright, alright!” Beth held them out.
Jack snatched them back, ramming one into his left ear, and spun around to rescue his dinner from burning again.
Beth hopped up to sit on the table behind him. “What are you listening to, anyway?”
“Bulletproof.”
“La Roux?”
“Radiohead.
Heat the pins and stab them in.”
“Sounds cheerful.”
“Fuck cheerful.”
Beth raised her eyebrows.
Jack ripped the top off a carton of tomatoes, and poured the lot into his pan. The sizzling calmed to a quiet bubbling as he stirred them in. A stock cube and a generous squirt of tomato purée followed, and then he covered the pan with a lid and turned around. He leaned back against the counter, arms folded and gaze locked moodily on his feet.
For a moment, the bubbling of the bolognese was the only sound.
When they broke the pause, they broke it together.
“He’s driving me crazy –”
“Is it Dan –?”
They both stopped, caught each other’s eyes. Beth grinned.
She tried again.
“Dan, then?”
“Mmm.” Jack pulled a face, and moved to stir the now-violently-bubbling sauce.
“You can’t keep on like this.”
“Oh, you think?”
He bashed the spoon on the pan edge to knock a tenacious onion back into the mix. Flecks of tomato juice leapt up at his shirt, and he swore at the orange stains as he dropped the spoon back onto the counter.
“Face it, Beth,” he said, rubbing morosely at his shirt. “You can’t fix this. I’ll get over it.” He paused, snorted with derision. “In a year or six.”
Beth leaned back, swinging her legs. “I just…”
“Just what?”
She didn’t reply at first, just chewed thoughtfully on her lip, watching him. Jack didn’t wait for the response, but instead busied himself with his meal. He shifted the pan onto a cool ring, turning off the one he’d been using, and bent down to fish in one of the cupboards for a plate.
Beth frowned, momentarily distracted from the bigger problem.
“What are you eating that with?”
“What?”
“No pasta?”
“No.”
He produced a loaf of bread from a different cupboard, and tossed a handful of slices onto the plate. Arranging them into pairs, he began to spoon bolognese from pan to bread, spreading the sauce right into the corners with practised ease.
“I… have never seen anyone do that before,” Beth said, expression halfway between curiosity and bewilderment.
Jack just ignored that, flipping slices of bread on top of the sauce and chopping the lot into rough quarters.
“But
anyway,” Beth continued, shaking her head as though to rearrange her thoughts back to the subject. “I don’t see why you don’t just
talk to him about it.”
“Oh, that would go well.”
Jack dropped his plate onto the table and flung himself down into a chair. He pulled the headphones out of his ears, shoving them into his jeans pocket with the mp3 player. Beth twisted to look at him; he raised an eyebrow at her and took a bite from his sandwich. Gulping that down, he put on a sing-song voice.
“Hey Dan, just wanted to say, I’ve, like, fancied you since forever. Wanna make out? Oh, that’d be weird ‘cause we’re friends? Oh, okay, then, never mind. Pretend I never said anything!” He shot Beth an unimpressed look, and dropped the voice. “Yeah, not going to happen.”
“Oh, come on, you’re a politics student, you can frame it better than that.”
“Nyerr.”
“And better than that.” She leaned over to his side of the table, prodded one of the sandwich-quarters, and picked it up.
“Hey!”
“Seriously,” she said, taking a bite. “Seriously – actually, that’s not bad…” She nodded her appreciation, giving the sandwich a look of surprise.
Jack threw up his hands. “What, you think I eat things that taste bad?”
“Wouldn’t put it past you.”
They chewed together in silence for a moment. Jack’s arm came to rest on the table around his plate, but Beth made no move to pilfer any more of his meal.
She broke the silence as she swallowed the last bite of her stolen sandwich.
“But yeah, seriously. If you don’t even try talking about it, you’re just going to go in circles. For ever and ever.” She illustrated the point, drawing a circle in the air a couple of times.
For a moment, Jack seemed to be trying to retort – his mouth opened and closed, goldfish style – but in the end he settled for a glare and another bite of sandwich.
“I’m right, aren’t I?” She grinned, and prodded him on the arm. “So, will you do it?”
“Hey, I didn’t say anything. I’m not agreeing to anything!” He brushed her hand away, gesturing with the sandwich. “You can’t get me like that!”
“You didn’t disagree!” She bounced off the table and twirled on the spot. Scooping her cold-weather clothes up, she headed towards the door. “So do it!”
“It doesn’t work like that!” Jack started up out of his chair. “Hey, don’t go running away! It doesn’t work like that!”
Beth just laughed, and made to skip out of the room – but the doorway was blocked.
“What doesn’t work like what?”
The tone was mere mild curiosity, but the words froze Jack on the spot. His face paled, and his fingers tightened on the sandwich, making the bolognese ooze out of the sides.
In the doorway, Dan raised his eyebrows at the pair of them, looking a little confused. “Oo-kay…?” He shrugged, and slipped past Beth into the room. She took the moment to shoot at look at Jack – a pointed look, meaning unmistakable. Jack’s gaze snapped from her to Dan and back again, and a lump of mince dropped from his sandwich to his plate.
Dan leaned over the hob, sniffing at the empty pan, and then began to root through one of the higher cupboards. “Do you know if we’ve got any Worcester sauce left?”
“I… Actually, I don’t,” Beth said. “Do you, Jack?”
“N… no,” Jack managed, glaring at Beth – she smiled back. “I haven’t used it for ages.”
“Huh. Fair enough.” Dan shrugged, and opened the next cupboard along.
Beth shifted her coat in her arms, clutching at the gloves balanced on top of it. Jack became suddenly aware of his crushed sandwich, and hastily scooped the last few bites into his mouth. It was too much for a mouthful, but that just meant he had a reason not to speak.
“Anyway, I should go get sorted out.” Beth lifted her armful of clothes slightly and nodded towards them. Dan glanced over, and shrugged.
“See you, then.”
Beth tried one last time to catch Jack’s eye, but he was staring resolutely at the table, chewing slowly. Suppressing a sigh, she headed out.
Jack chewed and chewed, and eventually swallowed, as Dan pulled bits and pieces out of cupboards. Slowly, then, he lifted his plate from the table, and slid across the kitchen to stack it by the sink. As he brought the pan over to join it, dodging around Dan in the small space, he took a deep breath, and let it out, very slowly.
“Say, Dan…”
Dan looked up from the cheese he was slicing roughly. “Yeah?”
Jack squeezed one hand into a fist around the edge of his plate. Shifting from one foot to the other, he glanced sideways at Dan’s feet.
“I was, uh, I was just going to say…”
Dan started chopping the cheese again, though he still looked to be listening, half an eye on Jack.
“Uh.”
Dan turned his head, and pulled an odd face. “You alright?”
“What? Oh, yes! Yes, I’m fine,” Jack said, too fast and too loud. He stared into the sink, still crushing the plate in his hand, and took yet another deep, slow breath.
“Okay…” Dan said, but he didn’t stop giving the funny look.
Jack gave a short, sharp nod, and looked up from the floor.
“I was just going to say, reckon we should check out that new pub tonight?”
Dan looked thoughtful for a moment.
Then he shrugged, grinned, and turned back to the cheese.
“Sure! Let me get dinner, though.”
“Awesome. I’ll go tell Beth.”
Jack let the plate drop flat onto the side, and strode out of the kitchen, ramming his headphones back into his ears and mashing at the buttons on the mp3 player.
Limb by limb, tooth by tooth,
Tearing up inside of me…
Author's Note, for those of you who made it this far! This is my part of a challenge between me, Blues and Niebla to write a story inspired by a song chosen by the other two. My song was Bullet Proof... I Wish I Was by Radiohead.
I've not tied this too closely to the song, but hey. It's more than I've written in months, so I'm happy ;)
Hit me with your critique!
Skyler here to give opinions, thoughts and advice! Here I go dudesssssss....
Oh my God. This story is not what I expected. First of all I thought it was a Jack the Ripper story and the bolognese was blood or something. But I most say I was wrong. This story is really interesting, I actually skipped 10 minutes of my next class just to finish it. I got into trouble but it was worth it, like!
Although I'm actually confused about the plot. What is with Beth and Dan? And Dan and Jack? O.o Could you possibly get back to me and tell me. I'm just a little confused.
So I really enjoyed this! Keep writing. You've got a natural flair and should keep it up!
Also I'm in the mood for a bolognese sandwich right now! Minus the onions though. I hate onions. >_<
Skyler Lestrange signing out! ^w'
This is such a great story. All that rage coming out of the main character was pretty fantastic, and I liked the way you kept describing the food... I don't think any of that should be changed, as opposed to what michaeld said. One of the things I would change is how simple you are with lines... so, instead of saying, "...shaking her head as though to rearrange her thoughts back to the subject," you could say:
"Shaking her head to collect her thoughts."
It's a bit simpler, and it's easier to read. Overall, though, I loved the story.
Hello, Cadi! Michaeld here to review for you!
This piece was completely and utterly amazing! It kept my interest the whole way through which is impressive, given that my attention span isn't all that impressive. I wish I could go through and tell you every single thing I liked about this piece, but that would just be me copying and pasting the whole thing into this box. So, I've decided to tell you two things.
"the bottom onions had started to burn onto the pan."
I think it would sound even better if you said:
"the bottom onions had begun to make themselves one with the pan." or "the bottom onions had molded their flesh with the polymer of the pan." or just anything along the lines of those two examples.
"When they broke the pause, they broke it together."
This was perfect. I absolutely ADORE this line.
Overall:
Once again, this piece was flabbergasting! The emotion was raw (especially since I went through something similar to this recently) and your word choice fit perfectly. As I said earlier, I really wish I could tell you every single thing that I love about this, but that would be everything! I honestly have no complaints for you, which is rare as I am quite talented at finding fault in things. Great job and keep writing! Bravo!
~ Michael
Thank you very much for the review - I'm so glad you enjoyed the story!
I must know what happens next.
And next time you do such challenges, I wanna join! I love song-fiction.
Hey there Cadi!
I really like this story. I was instantly intrigued by the title.
So to start, the good things (of which there are a lot).
1. The title, about bolognese sandwiches. Genius. Plus, I really want to try that haha.
2. The beginning. You know, like "how to make an awesome bolognese" and then lyrics. Yeah, that sort of thing makes me so happy to be reading. LOL.
3. The way you describe what happens. Like when the carrot fell on the floor and when the onion bounced out the pan. I really like how you describe all that. Because, although the others are saying they think it could get a little tiresome, I think it adds variation to your description instead of saying things like "the carrot fell on the floor." If you get what I mean.
4. The characters. I like how you developed them so subtly throughout the story. You didn't spend masses of paragraphs describing them. But you managed to explain their personalities through dialogue. Well done
5. The entire plot. I just found it interesting and original
Now for the little nitpicks.
1. I did get a little confused at one point in the speech. As Blues said, it got a bit too fragmented at places.
2. The swearing. I know I didn't have to read it if there was swearing (because you did give a warning) but at times I found it a little unnecessary.
Overall, I really love the concept of your story. And everything else about it.
Keep writing
~The World
Thanks for your review, World! I'm glad you liked it
The dialogue is definitely going up for rewrite - that seems to be something everyone agrees on!
1. Clearly the sandwich represents the relationship between Jack and Dan, but at the moment it's buried beneath the dialogue and the symbol of the song, to which I think too much significance is accorded. There seems to be an undecidedness between whether to focus on the symbol of the song or the symbol of the sandwich, and as a symptom of this undecidedness both are significantly weaker than they could be. At the end, for example, a reference to the sandwich instead of the song would be far stronger. There needs to be a single symbolic focus; if it's split between two focuses, it's that much weaker. You can keep the song, of course, but don't close up the story with it. That gives it way too much power.
2. It's too long. Much of the dialogue, especially at the beginning, can be cut. A short story should strive toward a single goal in order to be effective—it's important to remember that goal throughout the entire piece. Anything that strays is irrelevant and therefore unnecessary.
3. Ellipses are used to indicate the omission of words, not to indicate a pause.
I actually have nothing more to say as far as criticism goes. It's a very strong and, if not moving, compelling piece of realism. I hope this helped.
-Kafka
Hey Kafka. Thanks for your review! I agree completely about the length, and about the song - the lyrics are actually in line to be the first thing I cut on rewriting, I think.
Caddington!
I liked this so so so much! I thought maybe I wouldn't because it seemed a little choppy to begin with and I generally despise song fiction. However, you made it more than worth my while with some genuinely lovely interaction of characters and the realism!
I think it's that realism coupled with a bunch of personal feels which just stabbed as completely correct for me. I do think it's choppy to begin with, while I like that he's doing something with his hands and not looking at her, it's too piecemeal for me to really get into until they move away from singular actions.
I like the characters, I know I said that but I'm going to say it again! I TOTALLY thought this was you and Hero. Because I'm allowed to think these things. In fact, in my head that's what this is, even though I know Hero has a lady and all that nonsense. This is now my headcannon because it's just wonderful. The nature of their relationship is immediately clear and you don't muck about with it at all.
I know Trident (hi Tri!) thinks that there's secrecy, but I think it's completely natural form for a "I like a person and they don't know but my friend won't shut the hell up" interaction. Rather than working to make it obvious, I prefer it being a natural interaction - I am totes not familiar with LGBT fiction, I'll point out. At least, I have no idea if I am, so I'll assume I am not? But I like that this is a regular interaction, because... they're just regular interactions. There's no more or less in this than would be given to a hetero coupling.
I do think a bit of a tidy of the beginning is in order and you could consider making him two smidgens less angsty at the end, if only because Dan is there and could notice his even weirder behaviour.
Thank you so much for the read! Write more things! Immediately!
~ <3
Haha, hi penguin!
Targuini!
Ohdearlord you have a headcanon for us xD
I totally get what you mean about the choppiness and the angst - making notes to deal with that now!
And I'm glad you liked it! I shall endeavour to write more things as close to immediately as possible!
<3 (I tried to lessthanpound but YWS ate it.)
Caaaaaaaaadi!
Challenge story! You'll be pleased to know that I finished mine with like 1 minute to spare. Literally. xD
I love your writing Cadi! Your dialogue felt like the characters were alive and your characters too were interesting ^^. Also, foooooood. My mouth is watering right now.
Onto the real meat of the review! Pun intended.
I think the first thing that I noticed was that I felt the dialogue and the actions were quite disconnected from each other. I don't know whether you intended this but I kind of felt like the actions had no link with the dialogue. I loved your description of the food and your word choice but I didn't feel it connected with what the story was about and I can't help feel that they need a greater connection with each other.
It just occurred to me that the bolognese and the toast maybe a metaphor for relationships between two people of the same gender - different but still good. If that was intended - then that is really, really clever! But I do think it was too hidden. If that makes sense.
Speaking of dialogue, in a lot of places it was confusing. People do speak in fragments - that's what made your dialogue feel realistic - but it was almost too realistic to the point where I became confused as to what they were talking about. Too fragmented - it was difficult to understand in places and I couldn't follow it. Expanding in places would help a lot so you have a nice balance between that and the fragments.
I felt like the details about the food in places became a bit too much. While I did (eventually) understand the metaphor, I couldn't see any symbolism behind the ingredients or anything so it led to there being a small battleground in the story between the cooking and the actual conflict here. So less of that - but while I'm on that topic, I adored your word choice in the description. It revealed so much about Jack's feelings and it was lovely in general :3
Finally: Is there a better lyric from the song to put in there? I didn't feel like it tied in very much with the story - maybe it reflected Jack's mood but I think there could've been a lyric that would've been more suited to the story, so that we go, "Aaaah, isn't that a clever thing to do? It fits so well!" It feels like it's just part of the scene and even though it is, I love that feeling when I figure out the story. I mean, I don't know about the conditions of the challenge, but if you know a better song that'd fit now that you've finished the story, then I'd say go for it! (After you ask Misty of course). And it was still inspired by the song
Anyway, that's all from me, Cadmium! Hope I helped and you know where to find me if you have a question.
I loved the story - write moar! I want to see more of your writing
Bleusy.
Cutting it fine there, Bleusy!
I admit it: the lyric is only in there because I wound up writing something so far from the song and felt I ought to link it in *somehow*
I know what you mean about the disconnect, and the dialogue. I have to ask, though: what's the metaphor? It's so well hidden I didn't know it was there xD
Now I have to go read yours and Miste's.
Hello! It's been far too long since I've been on here.
-Firstly, title is adorable and a great play on words. Almost poetic, though that might be going a bit far, haha.
-I liked it for what it was, but it was...a little angsty? I know, Radiohead and all, but I think you can maybe add a little more substance and lot less of those short moments where we get some random action followed by vague dialog, followed by random action, ad infintum.
-As much as I love to cook, the minute descriptions tend to get a wee bit tiresome. I think there is a remedy to this and I think you have traces of it: treating the carrots, onions, etc, as human-like. It adds humor and interest, and perhaps you can even tie that to the feelings of Jack as he's cooking.
-I am intimately familiar with LGBT writing, and that's what I got from this little story. I like its progressiveness in the fact that it doesn't really make anything taboo...but it's still kind of secretive in nature. We don't quite get everything "out" in the open, pardon the pun. And that's not necessarily bad, it's kind of a common approach in LGBT Lit. The only advice I would give is to either go all the way with that technique or just drop the secretiveness.
-Lastly, while the whole sandwich thing was wonderful and brought everything together, it doesn't really go anywhere and I think you can bring in something more meaningful, perhaps an extended metaphor or something. Or the fact that his sandwiches meant something in the past, etc. I think that would grant the title a little more power.
Feel free to message me! (Lol I probably should have started this little crit spree for the review thingy on Sunday but I'm on my couch with relatives visiting and this gives me something to do to keep looking busy.)
Hi Trident!
Thanks for the review. I definitely see your points, re vagueness and pointless food. And I'd completely forgotten to read this with the LGBT nature of it as focus, so thanks for reminding me to look out for what comes through that filter!