Hi dogs! Here returning the favor for all the lovely time you have spent on my stuff. Here we go:
Jeremy opened his tired eyes to disorienting white light. They immediately burned from the sudden light and he squeezed them shut. After a few moments, he slowly opened his eyelids to dancing red dots as the shimmering light dimmed and revealed a small train station.
All right, we have a scene that starts with eyes opening, which is acceptable, but it is done a lot so there needs to be something exciting and new about it. Unfortunately there is not here. I find it best when adjectives aren't always used right before the nouns they modify; there needs to be a mixture to keep the flow. Also, to keep things interesting, we need characterization right away or it get boring! Example, taking the above:
When Jeremy opened his eyes, tired and worn, he was disoriented from a white beam of light shining in his face. His eyes burned and he squeezed them shut. He counted back from ten, a habit he had formed when he was surrounded by darkness and needed his pupils to adjust. Only this time it was the light he would need to adjust to.
He slowly opened his eyes and blinked. Dancing red dots shimmered in the light and dimmed, revealing a small train station.
What we have here is a mixture of adjectives that have been spaced out properly so that the flow is not as stunted. And I have added something, a small piece of his personality to get us through the description. All suggestions of course.
The white walls stretched on endlessly as Jeremy set his cold feet on the marble floor, the overhanging lights bouncing jauntily off the blank ground. Looking up from his feet, their lie a small dip and a pair of railroad tracks winding into forever in each direction. Standing up from the plastic bench that Jeremy was sitting on, he looked around to note that he was completely alone in this temple of light.
Okay again this is extremely adjective heavy. If you try to slip it in there so that we don't notice it, that makes it all the more noticeable.
In the first sentence, we don't know of any white walls, so "the" is not appropriate in your description. And that sentence is an odd combination of events. They don't go together.
White walls stretched on endlessly around him as he lay on a short plastic bench. A series of lights overhanging the tracks (?) bounced jauntily off the ground. His feet were cold, but he stepped onto the marble floor gently. Looking ahead, he saw a small dip and a pair of railroad tracks winding into the distance, on infinitely as far as he knew. Jeremy was alone in this temple of light.
Okay so what we have done here is introduce the bench right away (vital), otherwise we were just floating there until you later referred to it. If lights are overhanging, they need to be overhanging something. I didn't know, so I guessed. So that was very unclear.
I'm really not going to rewrite all of this, I just wanted to show you how you can space out your adjectives a little better to achieve the maximum flow. Plus always try to interject his personality if he is a part of the scene. I did that literally just by using the word "but" in the third sentence. It makes him seem like a determined person just by using that three letter word.
His inner monologue was interrupted by the clanking footsteps from a pair of large boots, Jeremy turned to face the new comer but only to forget that the plastic bench behind him. Tumbling forward and struggling to keep his robe on, Jeremy landed chin first at the boots of a tall man.
Oh, goodness this is all self-referential. You don't want to break that third wall by mentioning an "inner monologue". The piece shouldn't refer to itself unless you intentionally (and most always ironically) want it to. Also, we don't need to be told that he forgot about the bench behind him; we automatically suspect that as soon as he trips over it.
boots of a tall man. He wore large leather black boots that stretched up to his knees, his dress pants stuffed lazily into his boots
Boots, boots, boots. I think you know what needs to be fixed here.
Just above his waist he wore a cleanly tucked in white dress shirt, hiding under his black suit and tie. The man smiled graciously as he lent a hand and heaved Jeremy to his feet.
Again this is all so crammed in there and it really disrupts the flow. And I think we understand that a shirt is going to be above the waist.
The man beameda large smile, revealing a set or pristine teeth.
Unnecessary.
Dreams are really a matter of perspective of whether it’s fantasy or reality.
This doesn't quite compute for me. I know what you are saying, but the words themselves don't make sense.
The man rolled up his suit sleeve to revealseven ora set of eight fine watches attached to his wrist and stretching up to his arm. “About a freckle past forever. Now for the last time, may I please have your ticket sir.”
Haha, I loved this! No need to be ambiguous as the narrator is stating the facts. If this description were coming from Jeremy it would be fine, but it wasn't.
“Boarding ticket. One way trip to get to the other side--"
The man snatched it out of his hands and started reading fervently.
There we go.
“Just as much as a dream as the other fantasy you were living.Who are you to define what is real and what isn’t.Tell me, do you remember what was happening before you got here?”
No need to keep reinforcing that. It HANGS over the man's treatment of Jeremy.
Jeremy opened his mouth, but slowly closed it as he furrowed his brow in thought. “It’s all a little fuzzy… but I do know I was getting to bed early because it was a Monday night, Delilah was out late at work. I… I think I was sleeping, and then I remember a door. Yes yes, the door opened and someone walked in… and than that’s it. I woke up here. The man pursed his lips, and checked his watches.
I get that the man needs to be bored by Jeremy's story, but he could show it after one or two sentences of this snoozefest instead of making us read the whole series of boring events. It might even characterize the man as even more goofily impatient if he stops Jeremy after one or two small details.
Well, to state the evident you were shot. Your wife developed a recent addiction to gambling along with an obsession of embarking upon sexual intercourse with a certain Sam Lebony, hence why she’s been so late from supposed working. Getting into debt, she needed the money from your will and you out of the way to pursue her Sam.
This is boring exposition in dialog form. I think this is a good idea where subtlety and mystery can really keep everything suspenseful. Perhaps we can keep his wife out of it until the end? And then subtly hint she might be behind his murder.
Jeremy melodically rubbed his hollow cranny.
Oh my goodness, just a little bit too much.
"Cranny" doesn't fit here at all. The only way I could see this fitting is if the (odd) man says something like it: "And there you are melodically rubbing your hollow cranny!"Onward, forward, progression, through the light.[/quote
Ooh I really liked this.The man clicked his tongue and grinned, shaking his head he pointed to a sign plastered to the ivory wall. It read: “No Loitering”
Haha funny. Something is off about the first sentence though.the man let loose an ebullient smile
Maybe a bit much?“If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”His bodyimmediatelydisintegrating into white smoke that were engulfed by the vapors seeping from the train as it screeched to a slow stop.
This is phrased weirdly and the adverb there is unnecessary.
Overall thoughts and impressions
Okay great! I liked the setting and the characters immensely. The plot perhaps needs a bit of work. I think we can surmise that Jeremy likely wouldn't want to go back to the world he was living because his wife betrayed him. So what is it exactly that is keeping him questioning the man about going back to the real world? What we need is a reason for him to want to go back.
My suggestion is to keep the detail of his wife's betrayal from Jeremy (and us), until the very last moment, and that is when he decides to get on the train. Loving his wife was like the last thing he had going for him and without that he is willing to board the train and go to the afterlife.
Otherwise, great work! Your dialog is tight in most places and is the star of the piece. Definitely message me if you have any questions about any of this or about anything I didn't mention!
Points: 16552
Reviews: 376
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