Monster

Hello there Clock! Dogs here with your review today. Ok to start I think this piece is just wonderful, I love the imagery you use and your rhythm is excellent. Also welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your stay here and if you ever need any help let me know and I'd be more than happy to assist you . Well well well, quite impressive that in one of your first posts you make it to the featured poetry lists. Your writing certainly doesn't disappoint, you use great vocab and imagery with wonderful rhythm.

You have a good start, encouraging the readers interests as to what you're referring to when you say "it." Great imagery and as always great flow, well done there.

"It spreads like a corrosive disease"

I love this line, certainly my favorite in the poem because of the amazing vocab and imagery you put into it. I commend you for that.

"a horrid language"

Ok here is one of the few times that I think you could do better with this line. Horrid is a tad bit of an overused word and could certainly be replaced with a stronger word such as vile, or wretched, or macabre. Look it up in a thesaurus if you need help. It's incredibly useful.

"making every breath you take worthless,
making your very existence meaningless"

I wouldn't give you this note usually, but because your poem is so good I have to put on my nit pick hat. These two lines really break up the flow of your piece, yes they have good flow themselves but you switch from medium short and sweet lines to this longer lumbering line with a rhyme. But because both of these lines are longer, you lose the rhythm and value of the rhyme. So you're working against yourself in these two lines. Definitely shorten them up so you can keep the flow. Also you basically rhyme "less" with "less." Rhyming something with itself also destroys rhythm, so maybe change that up a bit.

Love the ending, great beginning and excellent ending. All and all this is a wonderful piece that I had to nit pick really hard at to even find something wrong. I enjoyed reading it, and if you ever need a review let me know. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

IMMENSELY EXPRESSIVE..
IT'S SO MARKED WITH RETROSPECTION ON THE PART OF THE POET, WHICH SO BEAUTIFULLY REACHES OUT TO THE READERS....
ESPECIALLY THE SECOND STANZA, THAT EXPRESSES, HOW OUR SUBJECTIVE REALITY, WEAVES IT'S STORY, LIKE A PARASITE OF THE CHOICES WE MAKE.

A TIMELESS TALE OF PREDICAMENTS, THE POET'S IMAGINATION, SPEAKS STARK OF THE OPEN-ENDED HUMAN MIND.

I really don't have a critique for this poem. But I would like to say that I really enjoyed the lines:

It doesn't live in the dark,
It doesn't hide in places we can’t see,
It’s always been there,
Sitting,
Waiting,
Watching,
Living inside of you and me.

I like how you expressed the "monster". It's not what is usually seen, I really liked it because of that.

Your last line, was really powerful...

That's about it I think.

Heya, Clock! I'm Indie, with your review for tonight. It's always nice to see someone my age into poetry!:)

So this is a nice narrative poem you have here! I like how it starts out as sort of horror-ish, and then at the end, the reality of the "monster" is like a cold splash of water in the face! Which I didn't see coming, so good job playing with that. I liked this a lot, very insightful. Let's take a deeper look.

The main thing that stood out that I really didn't like was the vagueness of the word "it." You use this pronoun 11 times throughout the whole piece, and for a poem with only 17 lines, that, in my opinion, is far too many. Try synonyms. Anything would be better than just "it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it.."

Okay, let's start with descriptions. This really reads like prose more than a poem, with the sentences and lack of enjambment. Which isn't terrible, but I think you could really spice this up with some imagery.

Your first stanza:
"It doesn't live in the dark,
It doesn't hide in places we can’t see,
It’s always been there,
Sitting,
Waiting,
Watching,
Living inside of you and me."

I think the idea you have here is great for a first stanza, but you really need better descriptions to truly hook your readers. Live, "hide", "been", "sitting", "waiting", "watching", "living" again.. These are all very drab and generic verbs. Likewise, I think you could come up with something better than "in the dark" and "places we can't see." It's fairly repetitive, and not really profound enough to repeat, if you know what I mean. But you have a nice rhyming thing going here!

In the second stanza, you completely drop the rhyming scheme you started in the first stanza. Which is permissible..but you kind of go all over the place with it. I think it'd be more interesting if you were consistent with the rhyme scheme you started with, I really liked that! I like the word "corrosive" a lot, it works nicely where you put it.
But these lines:
"Never giving one a time of ease,
Not a sign of breath"
This first part seems like you limited the point you were trying to get across by fitting it in for the rhyme, like a misplaced puzzle piece. I have never heard of giving someone a "time of ease." Another reason why I think you should stick with the original rhyme scheme! And in the second half, the word you use to describe "breath" is considered something you see. But "breath" is something you hear, so I think you need another noun that matches this more concisely.

Something I stand against is italics in any form of writing: prose, poetry, whatever. Just because you want your readers to perceive how your readers are going to perceive it, instead of forcing on them what should be emphasized, and what shouldn't be. You really don't need to italicize "you"; while reading it, my mind automatically stressed that word!

Good luck with writing, can't wait to see more from you! PM me if you want to discuss this more, or have any questions!

xx,
~Indie.

Hello!! I really like this!!! It is different than I usually see, so that is one reason I like it so much.



I'm not used to this genre so instead of critiquing I will point out your strengths.


Love this:

It grips the very insides of your heart,
And turns it into stone,
Stripping you of emotions,
Making every breath you take worthless,
Making your very existence meaningless.

I feel like this sometimes. So it is easy to relate to.

Your word choice is a strength for you.

I also like how your last line just hangs in my mind. It was so powerful I won't forget it.


This is a really great poem!!!


XoXo,

Kamryn