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Young Writers Society



Flower People

by AwesomeSauce


Flowers blow in the wind, petals falling off them, gently touching the ground. Such a nice sight, isn’t it? The way they fall to the ground, it’s a sight to behold. Now, to you, this isn’t a big deal as I’m making it out to be. I can tell by your faces, with your looks of boredom and confusion that you really don’t want to be bothered with some flower. However, I ask you this. Have you ever looked at it closely, have you ever looked at the detail of that plant? If you do get the chance, have a look at the lines. You may notice there is something on it, a little black speck. This is the only thing that you see with your eyes, but if you could see anything outside the naked eye, you will be astonished by what you see. That little black speck on that flower is me, that little black speck is a person.

We are known as Flower People. We live among your garden, either on your flowers or on your trees. We are a lot different from you; we don’t have large cities and fancy big tins that you seem to move around in, instead we travel by foot and have small towns where everyone knows each other. You seem to always have white plug things in your ears and they seem to blast some sort of strange sound from them. I presume its music, yes? Well, we don’t do that, we don’t ignore the people that are playing the music around the town. Flutes and many more instruments are heard, making our people dance in delight. We also have different clothing styles compared to you; the girls seem to wear pants in your place. It’s a law here to not allow girls to wear any type of pants, so instead we wear dresses and skirts. Indeed, we live differently from you.

The wind picks up as the petal I’m sitting on comes undone, falling down to the ground. It sways side to side, making my hair flow in with the motion. The pond is right near where this flower is, so I’m afraid that I might land in the pond. The wind blows me away from the pond to a tree, pushing me towards it. Don’t just stand there, help me!

You walk up to me, putting me in a jar. It’s suffocating in here; the air is stale and has no life. We seem to be walking inside your home; I must say that your homes are a lot different than mine. If you were to compare mine to yours, yours would be the most creative. My home only consists of three rooms, a bathroom and this massive room where everything else happens. You guys are very practical, separating the kitchen from the living room, it’s very cleaver indeed. We enter a room which I believe is your sleeping chamber. You lead me towards a window, letting me free.

I smile, waving at you. It was a pleasure of meeting you, I hope we can meet again soon.


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13 Reviews


Points: 340
Reviews: 13

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:18 am
GlitterGabbi wrote a review...



HEY! It's Gabbi. ^-^ I don't really know what to write, so I'll just follow common sense and my instincts.


Likes:
I really liked you story! It was nice. I liked how the little Flower Person was comparing their life with yours and all. It was cool to see a through Flower Person's eyes and you described everything well, which made it really easy to see the images the Flower Peep was talking about.

Dislikes:
First of all, I wondered what the person was feeling when she was suffocating. Anger? Sad? Enjoying the view when she knew that she could run out of oxygen and die (I'm not disliking it if she enjoys the view, just a suggesting)? What I did also wonder was: if she had a name and she didn't compare the clothing of boys. Did they wear kilts?

Comments:
Brilliant! Enjoyed it! :D

And:
I agree with noninjapresent and beckiw, just didn't want to rewrite it.

What Do You Think AS?
Well, this is my first review I wrote, and it could be terrible and all, but let me hear what you think! (BTW, this is what you wrote as your reply to each post on this story: "Thank you" So you don't need to say that, I get the idea. ;) Just a guess)




AwesomeSauce says...


XD Thanks then!
You did well on reviewing!



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Fri Feb 08, 2013 11:49 am
noninjaes wrote a review...



Hallo there, me here for a quick, brief review today. :)

This story is rather sweet and cute. The idea of little flower people is different and slightly amusing. At first, with all the talk of specs and small people, I thought it was a reference to "Horton Hears a Who".

The language in this is clear and precise, generally acceptably descriptive, but at times somewhat bland. I recommend adding some metaphors and similes to help spice it up (that's the poet in me talking there).

The concept of this story is interesting, especially when the person trapped the flower person in a jar. Though, I though the flower person would be more enraged and aggravated at being trapped in a jar. Though being let free at the end was a rather nice touch.

To close things off, I just noticed one little nitpick: you wrote "cleaver" instead of "clever". Also, It would be a good idea to add speech marks around any spoken text.

I did warn that this review would be brief, but I do hope it helps. So as always, keep writing!
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*




AwesomeSauce says...


Thank you!



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272 Reviews


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Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:45 am
beckiw wrote a review...



Hey Awesome!

Feels like I'm always reviewing your stuff lol

Onwards we go!

Nit picks ahoy -

1. - 'This is the only thing that you see with your yes' - Did you mean 'eyes'?

2. - 'The pond is right near where this flower is, so I’m afraid that I might land in the pond.' - This sentence is awkward. Try something like - 'The pond looms under the flower and I'm afraid I might land in its icy waters.' Get a little more descriptive with things! I basically just added looms and icy and hinting at what the flower person fears about the water and that they worry about it.

My major point would be...Expaaaaaaaaaand! This is too short I think. You kind of have this great, quirky introduction and then wrap it up so quickly. I'd like to spend a little more time in this world and with this Flower Person. So I think just lengthening this out.

Also, I didn't realise that the Flower Person was talking to an actual other person...or at least addressing them. I thought they were addressing us. So maybe clear that up a little, introduce this other person a little more. Who are they? What are they doing? Things like that would be nice. Otherwise their appearance is rather random.

Anywho, I hope that was useful! PM me if you have any questions.

Bex x




AwesomeSauce says...


Thank you!



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9 Reviews


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Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:09 am
freedomgirl says...



i realy really like the story and your way of writing also the words of describing however it was going to be much better if you describe your people more because sometimes more details make us understand the story a lot better but other than that it was an intersting story keep writing and good luck :)




AwesomeSauce says...


Thank you!




The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec