I wish I could go back into time to where you went, to that day that you slipped away from my fingers. My friends say that you’re always with me, in my heart, but I had to beg to differ. Every time I look up, up into the moonlight, I see your face smiling out for me, and it’s just painful to see your face.
Mum says that you were always there for me, and she was right, even right from the beginning; right from the start. We were so young, carefree and we did as we pleased. I don’t remember any bad memories from you, nor did we fight over anything that happened throughout our days together. I would see your face, you angelic face everywhere we would go, and I knew, I knew that we would always stay together.
Even through the hard times.
Hospital trips, it would always pain me to see you in a bed, ready for Death to knock at your door. The kids would always try and cheer you up, but I knew what was coming for you, I just didn’t know when though. We would all watch as you went little by little, you were fading into the horizon, weren’t you?
That day though, that day when I went to visit you, you weren’t waking up. I’d wonder why you never woke up to say your last goodbye to me, I wish you did though. For cancer to take over you like that, I knew as my husband, I knew as my best friend that you couldn’t take anymore of life, in choosing to slip away from me in an instant. It made me cry out in pain when the doctors told me that you weren’t with me anymore, and no matter what they said, nothing ever changed that fact.
Now, the kids are married, and I’m left all alone to vanish from everyone’s memories one by one. I know that my mother said that she’ll always love me, but she’s not here anymore to bestowal those words onto me. Why is everyone leaving me? Why do they do this to me? Don’t you understand how much you, to anyone, how much you guys meant to me.
As this night is becoming late, I stare up at the moon. I haven’t seen your face in years, but something’s different about the moon. Tears pick up in my eyes as I see you handsome face one more time.
So you do know how much you meant to me, did you? You just kept it with you all this time, didn’t you?
Why are you such a joker to me all the time, even at times like this?
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139,643 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
This is really great, really emotional, and beautifully written, but i have a few tips
1) I think you should increase your descriptions, maybe an overall description of the moon or the setting but minimal to not disturb the attachment to the mood
2) The mood is siren, nostalgic and a bit sad. I am not saying to use a intricate vocub(long words never equal profundity) but you should use vocub that creates calmness and sadness
3)WRITE MORE!! i am really interested in reading short stories specially of this type
i know it was a short review but you really did a great job and i really loved the way you write.
keep writing sara
Really?! Thank you! XD
I like it, its raw and really emotional, the pain of losing someone close to you can never be expressed completely into words, and this is a great attempt!
Really?! Thank you!
1. Okay, first impression: that last line was totally bizarre. What's the joke? Did I miss something? Also, at times like this? At times like what?
2. This felt incomplete. The details you provide as the filling for your plot are minimal at best, and the characters are underdeveloped and swim around the amniotic fluid of your plot like shallow embryos. The story is just all bone and no flesh, and has all the potential of a longer piece but just isn't there yet. Also, the last line offers virtually no closure, so that's part of it.
3. It's generic. Tell me why this is any better than the next angst-laden remorseful piece of flashfiction. No, better yet: show me. Give this the touch of originality that would single your piece out in the overplayed genre. Give me a reason to read this and to reread it. Right now, your piece does not interest me at all.
4. Don't expect your reader to take what you say for granted. Readers are by nature skeptical. When you observe that the moon is "different," show me how it's different and why. It's clearly an important piece of your story, but you'll need to flesh it out.
I hope this helped. Drop me a pm if you have any comments concerning this review.
-Kafka
Thank you! It helped!