Young Writers Society

Hey Lylas! I'm Arc here to review!

Okay, so firstly, my initial thoughts on this were there are some interesting themes her which are quite good to write about and there was a lot of emotion conveyed through the lyrics which is quite good! I quite like your structure because (I'm sure with music and melody) the ending would sound great!

Now onto critiques. I guess my main concern is you are using quite a cliche idea, even if it is how you feel. I still think you can address this issue, but use things which don't sound so cliche. Perhaps make it sound less 2nd person and directed towards someone. Also, maybe use some interesting metaphors to get your ideas across because I think that that would be really effective!

Secondly, in some parts I found the rhythm to be a bit weird and forced. So just try not to make things so obvious and forced just to rhyme because, trust me, I think that would help. There's also a lot of words and phrases which repeat in a verse which just makes it a bit less interesting.

Anyways, hope I helped! If you have music to this, I'd love to hear it! Drop me a PM if you need anything!

Keep lyricing!
-Arc

I'd love to hear this song. Do you have it up on youtube by chance?

Anyway, it's great. I can relate so easily. I had my heart broken and I wanted to cry when I saw him in the halls joking with his -- our -- friends. He'd only look at me in a way that made me want to die, knowing we would never be together again.

Nobody ever said we should be together, that we were perfect, actually the opposite. They said we wouldn't last, and we didn't. I still love him to this day.

You hit a break-up right on, the whole, do you miss me? We always wonder it.. You can't even deny it. You wonder how they feel, now that they don't have you.
You did a fantastic job. Wish you luck on making it in the big leagues one day!

This was pretty good. There was only a few things that need a little work.

One of them is when you get to the chorus, you have things bunched up, making it hard to read. And it's short, I feel like you could make it longer. Same goes for the second verse.

The second thing is that there is a couple lines that don't really flow.

The first line is:

Oh God it hurts, seeing you in the hallway, smiling with your friends, instead, of talking to me,

I think if you could find a better way to express this that would make it flow , it would sound much better.

The second line is:

And I miss your joking, everybody saying, we were meant to be. And i'm healing from a broken heart, i'm not very smart thinking you'd want me.

This one is more of how you worded it.

For example, instead of: And I miss your joking, everybody saying, we were meant to be.

You could do:
And I miss your joking, and everybody saying, we were meant to be.

Thirdly is the la, la, la at the end. That is not needed.

Lastly, a song usually starts with an intro. Then the 1st verse or chorus. (A pre-chorus if you need one, before the chorus). The chorus comes next if you did the 1st verse first. (A bridge which you don't always need, comes next. Though you don't always have to have one. A bridge is used to bring anticipation for the chorus). Next would be the chorus. Then another verse if you are doing a second one. If your going to do a chorus again then it would come next. At the end you would have a coda or an outro. It depends on the song.

I hope this helps. If you have questions just ask. I'll help you if you need it.

-LifeUnkown

I don't normally review lyrics, but I am desperate for last minute reviews in the YWS cup. So warning, this will be very short and brief.

I certainly almost instantly picked up the beginnings of a tune for this song as I read the lyrics. You've got a good solid beginning, though my inner poet is telling me that I would have liked longer verses with more of the topic explored within them.

I also find the chorus rather short.

The second verse is also way too short. I recommend doubling its length. Also not having it broken up into the individual lines makes it very annoying and clunky to read through. Once again, I'd like more of the topics explored within the verse. Though, you do have a good basis built up.

You don't rally need to write down the la's as the ending, you could just as easily not write that out, but that I do believe is mainly a personal preference.

One of my biggest nitpicks in this is the lack of and inconsistency with the grammar. It's not very unprofessional and makes everything awkward and clunky. A quick edit to fix spacing, capitals, and other such grammar could easily fix that, though.

Anyways, seems like it would be a good song. Hope the albeit brief feedback helped, and as always, keep writing.
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*

Hi Lylas! I agree with dogs about the formatting, but that happens a lot so I assume it wasn't intentional. Also, you spelled Chorus wrong.

Now, this seems like it'd be pretty sing-able, so that's good. However, the writing doesn't go far beyond the typical heartbreak cliches. It'd be good to have something more unique to this relationship here.

Back before the day, when you were still with me, back to the day,when you were still with me.

And now, here I am Frozen at your feet, come and Rescue Me. x2

Hello there Lylas! Dogs here with your review. Ok to start off, all lyrics and poems should be properly formatted, right now you just have a series of lines that firstly creates no rhythm and is difficult to read and review as a song/poem. So in lyrics and poetry, it consists of stanzas, and stanzas consist of lines that are used to convey an image or an emotion and get a point across to the reader. Sooooo, this first part should look something like:

"I will sit here and think of you,
and how we used to be,
Don't you miss you and me?

back before the day,
when you were still with me,
back to the day ,
when you were still with me. "

Ok now that we've gotten that taken care of, most songs are suppose to have rhyming with them so it sounds better and easier when they're sung. You have some rhyming here but you need more to make a smooth and effective song. Furthermore in that second stanza you just rhyme "me" with itself. When you do that you're doing two things against yourself, firstly your breaking up the rhythm and therefore the rhyming isn't working to its full potential. Secondly it looks sloppy and rather un impressive, any monkey can rhyme a word with itself. Give us some more variety and shake it up.

Also don't have the "la, la, da, da da,...." because those are useless to the reader without any notes to sing to them. So if you ever want to put those in a song or poem, you got to write the notes and put them with those also. With some work this can be great but it's still in the white board zone of writing. So if you ever need a review let me know. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh