Young Writers Society

Hi there, UrbanCastle.

Hmm. An interesting idea. I like some of your images, and I definitely dig your ideas.

However, you have a serious issue with meandering around and not getting to the point. The point is in the last stanza, and it's a good stanza. But much of the rest of the poem is gunk that needs to be cleaned out of the oven before your cake can really bake.

Here are the parts you should keep (I'll be critiquing these parts, too):

The Dark suffocates me.
Literally, comes alive.
Shadows peel off the wall,
fingers Bent like branches,
Legion like leaves,
Stealing my breath,
until there’s Nothing.

My eyes Blind,
but I can Hear them.
I can Feel them.
Wet on my ears,
Statues on my back,
Lumps in my brain,
Incessant Leeches.

Inception.
Dream buried under Dream,
Six feet under,
arms left over right,
trapped under pressure,
coffin nailed shut,
screaming silence.

My lids grow Heavy,
hope fades,
and then I’m Gone,
left the shore,
to face cold stone,
from crypt to cave,
One is One.

None dare make a move.
Yellow slits for eyes,
teeth gleam like Ice.
Pressure builds,
Suddenly their upon me,
pushing me inside myself,
into the pit that lies within.

And it is there,
in the darkness,
that I see myself.
but different,
a relic of a union,
plucked,
and destroyed.

a little piece of me.
gone forever.

Dark skies and lullabies,
peace Forget Me tonight.
The Bed I make,
those who Come,
I welcome.
Suffocation is Liberation,
oh the dreams yet to come.

Hi UrbanCastle! Firstly, I'd like to point out that you haven't done reviews yet, so get out there and leave some feedback! There's some good tips on this in the Knowledge Base.

Now, on to the piece. You have some good images in here, like this:

Six feet under,
arms left over right,
trapped under pressure,
coffin nailed shut,
screaming silence.

I’m somewhere Foreign,
somewhere far away.
nowhere to Run,
nowhere to Hide,
not in this Stillness,
not in this Void,
not with this Proximity.

Then, somehow I’m back,
to the Light,
to Normality,
to Life.
Until, I notice,
there in the corner,
My Shadow’s Not Mine.

Suddenly their upon me

Hello Castle! Welcome to YWS, I'm Dogs and I'm here for your review. Ok very interesting piece you wrote here. I like the topic, it's not quite overused and you still put a new spin on it. Undoubtedly the best part of the piece is your last stanza. That is quite marvelous, specifically the last two lines. I greatly approve. Lets dive in shall we?

Okey dokey, so firstly you do some really weird capitalizing at really weird places. I'm not sure why and you do it far too much. If you only use it for a couple words then it draws the readers eyes and we understand the underline importance you make it out to be. However, you do it on so many words that it's just overload and it makes your writing look sloppy. With a longer poem like this you do have a little more leniency to have more capital words in the middle of a sentence... but no more then three. MAAYYBBEE four if you realllyyy want to push buttons.

"literately, comes alive"

"Literately" really throws off your rhythm early in the piece. Definitely replace that word, and if you as the writer as saying that it comes alive then we as the reader trust that that's what happening, unless you hint that your narrator is unreliable, for which we get no such hints from this piece. So therefore take out "literately."

"Shadows peel off the wall"

I can tell right away that I'm going to like your writing style. Great imagery here, I like the dark scene your setting up right off the bat.

"not with this Proximity"

Sounds very weird with "proximity" in that line, definitely change it out.

Ok third stanza is a little odd because it doesn't have the great imagery that you already set up in the previous stanzas. Describe more of what you can feel from "them" and what you hear from "them" do you hear the creaking and scraping of fingernails on the crumbling walls? What do you feel? You need to clarify these things a little more and create a better picture in the readers head.

Ok then you go on about trying to fight them yada yada and how they overcome you. Ok, odd and never explained. Also you say you see that you don't have a shadow except your established before that you were blind. Contradictions...

Ok in stanza 7 things just take an odd turn. Not sure where that all came from and it still remains unexplained. Same underlining issue for the rest of your poem

So this is a great piece with an excellent ending may I add... the imagery is great but it lacks some plot line and leaves too many unexplained answers. It might be quite impressive if you made the "them" the conformity of society. I would find that interesting to read and it would be not too hard to hide the clues to that fact. Great topic and it with a little polishing it can be excellent. Let me know if you ever need a review, keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey there, welcome to YWS~ Hope I get this done in time to be your first reviewer, and that after you soak up all the help you can stand, you get out there and help out some of your fellow writers by giving them a review or two or three or a hundred of your own. Anyway, let's start.

First, nitpicky things.

1. their = they possessive. they're = they are. You misuse "their" when you mean "they're" at least twice in this poem.

2. Why all the random capitalization? I feel like I understand the intent: to bring attention to words you think are important. But what is stopping them from being important on their own? If your other words are lessening the impact of the words you want to hit, rather than using an out-dated technique, why not trim down the less important words?

As for the material of this poem, you hit off fireworks when you went into the last stanza:

Dark skies and lullabies,
peace Forget Me tonight.
The Bed I make,
those who Come,
I welcome.
Suffocation is Liberation,
oh the dreams yet to come.