she shivered off the due of the night.
What does that even mean? Due typically signifies a charge or cost. With this in mind, it still isn't clicking in my mind.
She pulled her arms together tucking them under her the thick wet cloth.
I do believe you intended to go with: tucking them under the thick wet cloth.
She had trekked through the night trying to find him, but in his wake were only broken branches.
I suggest cutting this sentence into two.
She had trekked through the night trying to find him. But in his wake, he left only broken branches.
As you may have noticed, I changed the latter portion. It sounded nice to the ear: however, it doesn't feel right when there's no direct correlation since wake means course or path -there's no link made between how his path left broken branches. Instead, it merely jumps from cause to results without visiting the how this came to be.
A heavy sigh fell from her lungs as she tried to get more breath to her head.
I don't understand why she would want breath be redirected from her lungs to her head. When I think of air in the head, I imagine being light headed. That may very well be me.
The bulky short imp's shoulders shook as she tried to wrap herself up tighter in the cloth Jackson had dressed her in.
I don't understand why the reference to how Jackson dressed her is pertinent. We know she doesn't have clothes otherwise. It's adding to the word count and there's no additional insight. I recommend deleting it.
The dead leaves crackled like a breaking tree.
I loved this line: it is succinct and perfectly describes the scene. There's always moments or scenes that your writing really does shine. This is one of them.
Her arms felt numb as she focused on her toes trying to push circulation through them. They lay limply across her tiny chest. Her hands tucked into a lock beneath its partner.
I agree with Wherethewindgoes. First sentence ends on the note talking about her toes. The second sentence opens up with a vague "they" -and the latest subject introduced to us is toes, which does not compute in my mind.
Furthermore, I don't understand the reference to partner seeing how she only has two hands.
Her breathing huffed like a mighty bear depended upon the breath.
We all depend on breath. I don't understand how a mighty bear would be any different or what you're trying to get across through this simile.
spewing like regurgitation for the world to see.
Spewing intimates to vomiting which is also known as the act of regurgitation (well, regurgitation is partially digested food being returned while vomit can simply be bile.) Nonetheless, the difference is minute and I'm not feeling this simile.
The bushy needles grabbed out at her, trying to capture her attention as she passed them by.
Is there a particular reason for this line? For example, she earlier aided a vine. Are the trees trying to get some of her favor/touch?
His shaggy black hair covered his eyes as he looked over his shoulder, his head tucked down against it.
When looking over one's shoulder, one's chin is lifted. I can't see how he tucked his head DOWN against his shoulder. I can only do that when I raise my shoulders and purposely do that -for example, when I'm lying down without a pillow.
the man was curling around a tree as he crawled up the hill.
This is an awkward moment for me. I am imagining Jackson as a snake that is literally wrapped around this tree and curling around it, but then comes the next few words to tell me that I had it wrong the entire time. My suggestion runs between the lines of establishing that he's walking (or crawling as you stated) and how he curls around a tree -suddenly out of sight.
down passed her throbbing heart.
through her throbbing heart.
You mention a few words earlier that it shoots up her hand -so the idea that it shoots down after shooting up isn't something that jives with me.
to keep up with the retreating back.
There's a missing word here.
to keep up with Jackson's retreat?
A few special birds, doves, called back and forth as they settled in the trees.
This is a fragment or that's what my word processor states.
A few doves called back and forth as they settled in the trees.
Her ears focused passed her own crunching.
Her ears focused past her own crunching.
You use focus twice in this sentence. I suggest you find an alternative verb.
fox who took the long rout
fox who took the long route
"I cannot babysit you from your own damn stupidity!"
Babysit doesn't settle well with me. I can see guard, protect, and I would change cannot to will not. Jackson is a willful character accustomed to independence and working an angle for his own gain. The mate isn't incapable of taking care of another, but chooses not to. Word choice is crucial when it comes to showing us how the character perceives the situation.
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