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Best Friends Forever, eh?

by thegilbygirl


The bright fluorescent lights shone down on the grubby cell wall, where hundreds of troubled teenagers had once placed their filthy, unwashed hands. The portable bunk-bed screeched at the tiniest of movements. The full moon came down though the bars of the cell window, metres high up the wall, which was covered in games of tic-tac-toe written in left-over carrot and dried-up porridge. The hailstones thudded against the cell roof; it sounded as if a herd of elephants were making their way across it. âWell that was my story,â said Allie OâDonall, âwhy are you locked up here? You seem like a civilised person.â As impolite as that may have sounded, Allie was actually an incredibly polite, well mannered seventeen year-old; it was just a case of severe bad luck, and a bit of desperation that she was locked away, waiting to be called in for a trial. âHa! You donât want to know! My life story is depressing all the way, from the beginning to now,â replied Heather Grassie, Allieâs cell-mate for the night. Allie, realising she wasnât going to be told anything about the slightly older, nineteen year-oldâs past, flopped her head down onto her pillow, and began subconsciously braiding her long, blond, flowing locks into miniscule little braids. The prison guard came in, shouting the odds, and telling the girls to be quiet, or they would be separated. Not like Heather would have minded, she was a caring girl, but not the talkative type. Allieâs mind drifted off to her cosy, luxurious, light pink-walled bedroom, her wooden cupboard in one corner of her room, her big bouncy bed in the other. She saw her creamy carpet in the middle of the room, lying on a wooden floor. She was sitting at her desk, working on an English assignment, when all of a sudden, her email pinged; this was the start of something new. âDo you want to be friends? Xoxox! Jasmine Mouthal.â Those words rang in Allieâs ears, every time she thought of the changing point in her life. When someone you practically never talk to emails you, the normal thing to do is either to ignore it, or to reply a simple âno thank you, but thank you anywayâ back. But Allie was desperate for a friend, and as this girl obviously wanted to become friends, she was more than happy to befriend her. The next day at school, Jasmine came skipping up to Allie, her long, curly hair jumping around on her back, her expensive designer clothes sitting perfectly on her model-like body, her eyes covered in a heavy layer of black eyeliner. âHayyy! How my favourite bestie doing?â said Jasmine, battering her eyelids towards Allie. âWow! This is a bit quick,â thought Allie, but she kept quiet. She didnât want to ruin her chances of getting a friend, or as Jasmine said, a âbestieâ. Allie, not quite sure of what to think of her new friend, muttered some excuse about a maths test to study for, and dashed off to the bathroom to gather her thoughts. As the bell rang, Allie hurried off to maths class, where Jasmine was already sitting, calling Allie over. âSo.... You done the âomework?â asked Jasmine. âNo, nor me... pointless stuff, eh?â she continued, not giving Allie a chance to answer. âSo, you wanna come round mine tonight, chill ânâ stuff,â âWell, I actually had somethi...â âGreat! Shall we say, fiveish?â Jasmine butted in. Jasmine was obviously the type that got her way the whole time. Allie sure was tired by the end of maths class, but at least she would get to spend her evening in a swank house, considering how much Jasmine had to spend on clothes. âI was thinking, Iâm pretty sure I like you, so weâre going into town on Saturday, 'kay?â said Jasmine, her mouth full of food, across the table to Allie. âUmm... okay, Iâll ask at home, but donât get your hopes up, itâs pretty short notice, you know, two days, and I have a lot of work on,â replied Allie, slightly shakily, partly because sheâd just been told that someone was âpretty sure she liked herâ. Jasmineâs house was not at all like Allie was expecting. It was a small house, possibly a council house, but Allie didnât mention it, she thought it would be a bit rude, and she realised that Jasmine was quite an opinionated girl. That Saturday in the city centre, Allie and Jasmine were walking around chatting, just like many other teenagers walking around in the busy shops. The Friday had gone slightly better at school. Jasmine had been slightly more normal, which led Allie into thinking that she was just nervous about possibly getting a new friend. Walking into one of the centreâs many chemists, Allie thought she saw Jasmine slipping a tube of âLâOrealâ mascara into her handbag. Allie didnât mention it though. She was trying to convince herself that it didnât happen; she thought if nothing was said, it didnât have to be true. But walking into the next shop, Allie saw it again, this time with a bright pink polo shirt. Allie, deciding to bring up the subject, shakily asked, âDid I see you slipping something into your handbag? Iâm not accusing you of anything, of course, I am just wondering.â ââCourse you did, silly, how else do you expect me to get hold of proper make-up, and branded clothes?â replied Jasmine casually, giving Allie a soft slap on the arm. âItâs fun, really, I love the feeling of adrenaline!â Allie sighed to herself, wondering what to say next, when all of a sudden, her little flip-up phone drilled into life. It was her mum, asking her to start making her way home. After telling Jasmine she had to go, Allie blew an air kiss, and dashed off in the direction of the bus-stop. Not much later, Allie felt something firmly grip her shoulder, and felt her heart begin to pound. She turned around, to see Jasmine standing behind her, grinning from ear to ear. âDid I scare you? Haha! Anyway, before you go, there is something you need to do really quickly first,â said Jasmine, pulling Allie away from the bus stop, and back into the shopping centre. âYou know how I was telling you about the adrenaline you feel when you steal? Well you NEED to experience it for yourself, before you go!â whispered Jasmine, pulling Allie into the nearest electronics shop. âOver there, an i-Pod, perfect, small, easy to steal.â Allie sighed. âOkay, Iâll watch you take it, and then I am leaving!â âNo silly, youâre taking it, not me!â âBut... I... I donât need an i-Pod...â replied Allie, trembling. âWimp! Wimp! Wimp!â chanted Jasmine. Tears filling up in Allieâs eyes, she grabbed the i-Pod, stuffed it into her handbag, and ran out of the shop, to get as far away from Jasmine as possible. But when Allie thought she was safe, she felt the same feeling as she had done earlier, a hand clutching her shoulder. âGosh, Jasmine! I trusted you, but you went and...â âExcuse me. Youâre under arrest, for shoplifting. Anything you say or do may be used as evidence against you,â replied a slightly startled policeman, after just being addressed as âJasmineâ. âAllie OâDonall? Could you please come through, your trial is about to start.â


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158 Reviews


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Wed Feb 06, 2013 12:42 am
Veeren wrote a review...



Hey there, Gilbygirl :D
Now I'm sure you see what we see; A big block of text. Hopefully, that was accidental and entirely not your fault.
Now besides that, we have a few mistakes I'd like to point out and help you correct.

Spoiler! :
left-over
i-Pod
dried-up
cell-mate


You seem to hyphenate a lot of words that aren't supposed to be. In this case, the words should be leftover, iPod, dried up, and cellmate.
I think I know why you do this as well. When you're sounding out word, these seem like they have two syllables, right? And they aren't really common words, so just to be safe, you put a hyphen to distinguish the syllables between each. That's a no no. All you need is a quick Google search to find out how something is correctly spelled.

Spoiler! :
nineteen year-old


In this case, you missed a hyphen. It should be 19-year-old. Don't ask why, grammar is silly.

Spoiler! :
chill ‘n’ stuff,
Hayyy!
Well you NEED


These are written incorrectly, and even though you're writing them how you would say them, it's still wrong. If you were gonna go with a character skipping letters, then the first one should be 'n, since the apostrophe only replaces vowels.
'Hayyy' is not English. It should be 'Hey!', yes, with one 'y', it you could process that.
And 'NEED' should be italicized to show emphasis. Uppercase is more yelling, sometimes, I guess.

Spoiler! :
all the way, from the


The comma is unnecessary.

Spoiler! :
But


It's not exactly wrong to start a sentence with 'but', but you just do it incorrectly. Most of the places you start with this should have a comma before, not a period.

There might've been other errors, but they were lost in the giant wall of text.
The story was fine, despite a few confusing descriptions and such.
Hopefully you'll be able to correct the small errors you have, keep on writing :D




thegilbygirl says...


Thanks for reviewing!! :) Anyway, the whole big block was completely accidental, and when i wrote the story it was in paragraphs, so i need to go back and change it. I'll go back and change all the corrections you made too.

Thanks for reviewing! :D



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 11:20 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Hello there thegilbygirl, and welcome to YWS.

Before I get into the review itself, I'd just like to mention something about reviewing. Basically, the more you review other members works, the more reviews you'll get in return. Here are a couple of posts to help you get started on reviewing:

The YWS Critique Sandwich by Nate

How to Write a Good Critique by Emerson

Now, guineapiggirl has already mentioned the lack of paragraphs being an issue, and I would just like to second everything she said. Sometimes the editor will eat your breaks, especially if you're using Internet Explorer, which is why it's always a good idea to use the Preview option in the submissions editor. It will help you catch these sorts of things before you post, and so your readers (and reviewers) will be better able to focus on the story itself, instead of how everything has been smooshed together into one massive block of text.

Right now, with how everything is smooshed together, it was a bit confusing switching between the different times. Everything blended into one event, and so the time in the cell, the time with Jasmine, and the time with the person telling Allie to come through wound up confusing to separate.

One other thing: I'm not sure where this is set, but generally, trials for shoplifting, especially if they are a first offense, don't involve detaining the person until the trial. It just struck me as being strange that Allie was being held until the trial, or at least, that was how things seemed to be.




thegilbygirl says...


Thanks for reviewing! :D The whole thing with the paragraphs, they wern't origionally like that, but thanks for mentioning it, I'll go back to change it. Hopefully that'll make the switch between times less confusing.

Thanks for mentioning the trial thing, I did think that, but I couldn't think of a good alternative. :( I'll think about it. :P

Thanks again for reviewing : - ) I'll review some works soon. Really busy this week so I havn't had much time to sit down and read other people's works.



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 9:08 pm
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



Hello! Guineapiggirl here to review! But first, welcome to YWS! Welcome, welcome, welcome to the most awesome place on the internet!
Now to your review:
The bright fluorescent lights shone down on the grubby cell wall, where hundreds of troubled teenagers had once placed their filthy, unwashed hands. The portable bunk-bed screeched at the tiniest of movements. The full moon came down though the bars of the cell window, metres high up the wall, which was covered in games of tic-tac-toe written in left-over carrot and dried-up porridge. The hailstones thudded against the cell roof; it sounded as if a herd of elephants were making their way across it.

Brilliant opening! WOnderful description, wonderful imagery! This is truly excellent. i am drawn in.
This description, a little later, I'm not so sure about:
Allie’s mind drifted off to her cosy, luxurious, light pink-walled bedroom, her wooden cupboard in one corner of her room, her big bouncy bed in the other. She saw her creamy carpet in the middle of the room, lying on a wooden floor. She was sitting at her desk, working on an English assignment

I don't know. While a part of me likes how you're describing sort of how she's thinking of her room in this horrible cell, another part of me finds the very mundane description boring. Maybe cut it down a little?
I feel similarly about the description of Jasmine while I'm reading it, but then the stuff about designer clothes is important later on. I do really like the way you build that up so that we wonder how she gets these fancy clothes.

Now, a negative thing. What happened to paragraphs? You're starting whole new time sections, and speech, on the same lines. It's really confusing!
Another bad thing is the rushed feeling of the end. Making this a little longer, building up her suspicions, making it a little more like the start, would be better.
Overall, however, a really nice piece of work. Well done. I thought when I clicked on this and read the description that I wouldn't like it, but you've surprised me. Other than the paragraphing issue, your writing is great, and if you want any more reviews from me on anything else you post, just send me a message :D
Good job!




thegilbygirl says...


Thanks!! :) I do agree about the description of the bedroom, I'll go back and edit that. Also, the paragraphs were normal and structured, I didn't realise I was posting my story with messed up paragraphs :P Thanks a lot for reviewing! :D




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