I wish

Hey!!! Lylas here to review your piece:)

I like the idea, but it needs more to it. I need more imagry. What kind of things would you like him to say if he did text you back? If he did what would you do? And What else do you wish to happen? I'm young...But I do know there is more than that. If you could add a little more...That would make this way better:)


The repitition is good:) this is a first level poem (don't worry...I think I'm still there).

Over all, pretty good Keep it up!

-Kams

Hi, i'm a fairly new member so i'll try my best to review this poem as well as i can and hopefully it makes sense

I think your poem was a realistic one that a lot of readers can relate to. It also set the scene of how you felt. It was a very personal and emotive piece of work which was worked along the lines of simplicity.

But, there are some improvements that can be made to your poem.
It started to fall flat after a while, it wasn't as engaging and it became a bit narrative, as if you were telling a short story rather than a poem.

In this line, "My phone has been silent since i text you the other day." This line seems too general, there's nothing really special about it.

I suggest you maybe add something like this;
"My phone had been mute since we last communicated."
Something maybe along those lines.

You also mention the word, "me" often, you could say "I" or "we" instead or something.
It would also be nice if you described the reaction from the other person, involve the other side more then we'd get a better picture.

It's quite flawed, it has potential to be really great after you revise your poem a bit more.

Well done though, keep writing!
Hope i was of help to you.

- Infinity x

Hi there ikiru.

While your desire is simple, and your words reflect that, it still needs some polishing.

I suggest you add at least one central image to the poem. It doesn't have to be fancy.

I like the repetition of the "me's" at the end of the lines. Those stanzas serve their purpose, and they're short and sweet.

If you were going to put in some images, I'd put them in instead of the line "I wish you would text me back." This line tells. You should show. If I were going to write a poem like this, I'd say,

My window is cold against my cheek.
I gaze out at my mother's flower box,
trying to ignore the fact
that my phone hasn't made a noise
since I last messaged you.

Hi ikiru!

I like what you're doing here, the simple lay out and the simple words. However, it isn't terribly inspired as it is. When we have so little to work with, we readers become a little dense and a little bored. We're not very helpful like that.

I am totally fine with your first line. It's a solid first line and doesn't need to be frilly to be strong and to the point. After that however, we need a little more than what you're giving. When is the narrator wanting to be noticed? When she's sitting beside him and looking at him, batting her eyelashes and letting him use her homework? Or is she more interested in why he won't notice her when she's done her hair up the way she knows he likes or something. Does he always forget her name, or how old she is - that they've been in the same class for the last two years! We want some details to sink our teeth into. They don't have to be fancy images, just simple ones that show us how he ignores her or doesn't even notice her at all.

He has her number and she has his, so he can't be not-noticing her much, I suspect he's a friend that isn't super close but is close enough that she sees him often. And seeing him often and talking to him, when she knows he barely remembers who she is is hard. There's a line from a song (I can't remember the song at the moment! D:) which says something "He calls you by your last name/but thinks it is your first" < That is the kind of thing which cuts right to the bone! We can see how hard that would be for the person, and it works even said so simply.

Those kinds of things will work for the rest of your poem as well. We know she wants him to care for her so you don't need to say it, just show it instead, maybe the tear in her pencil case where she scratches her pen when he's near, she does it so often she doesn't even notice it go to the table. Or something. We want details, I'm saying. xD Don't tell us, just show us, we like to make up the middle because we're creative and we like to think there are multiple meanings. When you say it too directly we miss out on the fun of speculation.

Let me know if you change this, I'd love to see it. Feel free to contact me with any questions, queries or just to chat as well.

~ Pen.

Ikiru,

I like the structure of this piece, where you have the first and third stanzas all ending in "me"s and you have the 2nd stanza(more like a line) and that last line there kind of break apart the "me"s. I think that was a good decision, because oftentimes when we have such a repetitive structure like that, we need something to change it up, otherwise it's not going to be as interesting, and it'll mainly just be boring.

That being said. I think you did a better job in the first part of the poem here:

I wish you noticed me,
talked to me,
remembered me.