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Light Brings Nothing of the Past

by thirstyhand


A spell that has been slit 

entered through my vent-like blinds.

It presented my room with the gift of

melancholy.

What a lovely finishing coat

to be painted on my walls.



It tells me of a day when

the tree peeking through the frame of my window

will possess leaves plastered with drops.

Drops

that will lure me outdoors only to

drop on my head.

Drops

that will seep into my mind

and flood it,

rather than the parched 

roots of my hair.



Light brings no-

thing of the past.

Ever evolving

compliments, but seemingly

meek atmospheres

sliding through my window panes.


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116 Reviews


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Tue Feb 05, 2013 5:08 pm
InfinityAndBeyond wrote a review...



Hi, I'm be reviewing your poem, i'm a fairly new member so i'll try my best to review as well as i can.

Firstly, this was a very well written poem which created great imagery and had an engaging tone to the reader, i like how you described everything throughout each verse. Your poem had a good rhythmic flow to it and it didn't really fall flat too much. There are a few small things i'd like to adress about your poem.

I think your opening sentence kind of had an awkward starting in my opinion, it started verging on more towards a short story rather than poetically. Maybe,
"A slit spell entered through my mind vent-like blinds." ?

I'm being picky here but you mentioned "it" about three times in your poem, for the second line you could have just written, "Presented in my room with the gift of melancholy."? just a suggestion. I like how you've used the word melancholy but it seems a bit heavy to use in comparison tot he rest of your poem theme. I also like how you've used the word "Drops" continuously, i'm not a fan of repetition but i think in this particular instance of this poem it goes well with the rest of your poem.

Overall great poem, keep writing! Hope i was of help to you,

Infinity x




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 7:05 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, thirstyhand!

I love the images you present. They're lovely. I think you can make many of them even better with more concise wording. Let's get started.

A spell that has been slit
entered through my vent-like blinds.
It presented my room with the gift of
melancholy.
What a lovely finishing coat
to be painted on my walls.

The first line is in the passive voice. The passive voice uses the verb "to be" in all its forms. Here, you have "have been," the past tense of "to be." You don't want passive voice. You use it a lot in this poem (I'll point it out whenever it comes up, don't worry). You can change the first line around easily to not be in the passive voice. Try "A slitting spell" or "A slit spell" or "A spell, slit open." The second line, as well, could use some reworking. "Vent-like" doesn't have to have the "like" at the end. Also, "entered" is such a bland word for sunlight coming into the room. Perhaps it could trickle in. Perhaps it could waft in. Use unusual verbs. They'll create a stronger image. I suggest that you also combine some of these lines into one sentence. Like this: "A spell, slit open / trickled through my vent blinds / presenting my room with the gift of / Melancholy." (I love your use of the word melancholy there, by the way). The last line of the stanza is also in passive voice. Switch the words around a little to get rid of the verb "to be."

I love how you utilize the word "drops" in the next stanza. It's like the words following are actually little raindrops caught in the trees.

Ever evolving
compliments

I'm not sure I get this part. It's not very connected with the rest of the poem.

You've got lovely images throughout. Wonderful. I really enjoyed reading this.
I hope you found this review helpful. Happy poeting!




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 4:43 am
indieeloise wrote a review...



Hello, Thirsty! I'm Indie, and I'll be reviewing this lovely poem you have here. :)


So I like this. You have a nice rhythm and idea of how to incorporate that into line breaks. That’s something that I love in free verse, and you conducted that splendidly! I’ll break this apart by stanzas and give you my thoughts.

“A spell that has been slit
entered through my vent-like blinds.”

~I liked this okay for an opening line, but I really think it could be stronger. It comes off as a little passive, and you don’t want your opening line to be passive unless the poem is about passivity.. which does not apply in this case! Tell me about the spell. Why did you choose this word? What about the way the magic enters the room is distorted, other than the obvious blinds it cuts through? (Think images, personification, metaphors, double meanings!)~

“It presented my room with the gift of
melancholy.”

~With this line, you introduced a second theme to your poem, just in this first stanza. Something beautiful about poetry is unifying a central theme, and having all the images tie into that theme. Personally, I don’t really see what pensive sadness has to do with magic or incantations or anything like that. But you could prove me wrong by elaborating on this melancholy you project, and why you consider it a gift.~

“What a lovely finishing coat
to be painted on my walls.”

~I think this is your best broken line in the whole poem. Great distribution of rhythm here. However, “lovely” carries the descriptive weight in these two lines, and it feels sort of..messy. Like you just threw it out there because you were in a rush, and forgot to come back later and substitute a better word. (I speak from experience!) Since when is melancholy “lovely”? But I do really like the idea of the light covering the walls; great imagery!~


“It tells me of a day when
the tree peeking through the frame of my window
will possess leaves plastered with drops.”

~You have a little bit of a rhyme scheme going here, and it sounds beautiful when you read these three lines aloud! As for suggestions: the word “tells” in your first line is underwhelming, and it deals with the previous problem of introducing a new theme. In the first stanza, you had the whole painting/picture imagery going on that appeals to the sense of sight. Then, in the first line of this stanza, you introduce sound, you introduce words and stories - be consistent with your themes if you really want to get through to your reader. Maybe a different verb that deals with picture/sight, like “depicts,” “portrays,” “offers a sketch,” “illustrates”... The list could go on and on, but I think you get the picture (no pun intended). And I think the word “plastered” is a bit overboard, especially with “possess” in the same line - what a mouthful! The word “plaster” brings to mind something like sculpture, laying a covering over something, not..rain. Water isn’t a solid that can be plastered. Maybe something like “embellish” would work better. Just a suggestion.~

“Drops
that will lure me outdoors only to
drop on my head.”
Drops
that will seep into my mind
and flood it,
rather than the parched
roots of my hair.”

~I think the verb “drop” in the third line is unnecessary repetition: try something like “fall” or “land”, but less cliche than what I suggested. :) I love the word “seep”! Great word choice there, it fits nicely. I kind of understand what you’re getting at in these lines, with the whole metaphorical rain that drops into the narrator’s metaphorical mind..but in the third line, these “drops” (of what? You never really specify that.) occur to the narrator physically, only for the drops’ physical existence to be nullified in the next few lines (“rather than...my hair”). Now that I think about it, I think the third line is unnecessary. I’d revise it to something like:
“Drops
that will lure me outdoors, only to
seep into my mind
and flood it,
rather than the parched
roots of my hair.”
And involving the line “and flood it,” I think you could expand this more. “It” is such a drab pronoun. What about something like:
“seep into my mind
and flood the caverns of my
thoughts”?
Just a little extra spice and description.~


“Light brings no-
thing of the past
Ever evolving
compliments, but seemingly
meek atmospheres
sliding through my window panes.”

~I love the archaic/literary way you chose to divide “no-thing.” The only suggestion I’d make for this stanza is to put a colon after past instead of a period - just because the four lines that follow don’t add up to be an independent clause. And the last four lines are flawless, wonderful ending. <3


Overall, this was very interesting and made me think a little bit. :) Wonderful job, and can't wait to see more from you!

~Indie.




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 3:49 am
TinyDancer wrote a review...



Hey there,

This poem is really beautiful. I especially liked the lines

"Ever evolving

compliments, but seemingly

meek atmospheres

sliding through my window panes."

To me, the poem has come full circle since you started out with the vented blinds. I really liked how you did that thing with the words "Drops"--breaking the line each time so each one had that feeling of hitting. Very effective. However, in the line

"that will lure me outdoors only to

drop on my head."

you should pick a different word besides "drop." I think that here, it interrupts the flow and pattern you have with the other "drops."

This poem was really lovely and I'm still trying to grasp it. You obviously love words a lot and can use them well to make your reader feel good and bad and happy and painful things as need be.

Keep writing and if you need anything else reviewed, don't hesitate to ask!

~Tiny




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 3:46 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi thirsty! I love writing about seemingly mundane things, and I think you've done a good job here.

A spell that has been slit
entered through my vent-like blinds.
It presented my room with the gift of
melancholy.
What a lovely finishing coat
to be painted on my walls.


I feel like this could be said more concisely for a more dramatic effect. Something like "A spell entered the room/slit by vents and/painting the walls with melancholy." Every word needs to pack a punch in poetry.

It tells me of a day when

the tree peeking through the frame of my window

will possess leaves plastered with drops.

Drops

that will lure me outdoors only to

drop on my head.


I thought the second line was clunky, and keeps the piece in the realm of the mundane, when it can and does say more. I also didn't like the repetition of "drops". I think it could work as "drops/luring me outdoors...". Also, use a synonym for drop in the last line (fall?)

Drops

that will seep into my mind

and flood it,

rather than the parched

roots of my hair.


This could go with the last piece as "flooding my mind rather than..."


Light brings no-

thing of the past.

Ever evolving

compliments, but seemingly

meek atmospheres

sliding through my window panes.


I love the first sentence, but why break up nothing? It doesn't work IMO.
The second sentence is a fragment, and I don't get what evolving compliments have to do with anything. I would take that out and make it "nothing of the past, but seemingly...". I love the ending here.

Overall, you have some lovely images here, but I think it would be stronger with more condense wordings and less references to the fact that you are discussing something so mundane here. Good job and keep writing! :)





"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery