Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Other


A Last Goodbye

by raisedXxbyXxwolves


"I've loved you
since I was fourteen,
I have.
I gave up everything-
everything
I had to offer.
You were always there
when I needed somenone the most,
but how could it be
that I'd somehow been blinded?
Did you lure me in
with that deceptive smile,
only to break me apart?
Was it your plan
to leave me here barely alive?
A broken heart, a tainted body.
This pain of abandonment-
it threatens to consume
my barely lucid mind,
it's the worst mark
of a wicked betrayal."
And so he slowly smiled
his eyes gleaming
like they once had when I thought it was love,
pressing a gentle kiss
to my throbbing temple.
"But that's the game, my dear."
Against my wishes,
and oh I tried so hard!
my eyes slowly fluttered shut.
The contenment of his touch
as my body betrays
a broken heart, a broken will.
That was last time
my first love and I
we ever spoke to one another.
I was used
then thrown away
like a piece of worthless.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
39 Reviews


Points: 1303
Reviews: 39

Donate
Mon Feb 04, 2013 7:07 am
znale1 wrote a review...



Hey there!

I will start of with some things which are not right. This is the first one I noticed:
"And so he slowly smiled his eyes gleaming as they once had,
pressing a gently kiss
To my throbing temple
"But that's the game, my dear"
I think you should remove some words and this is the last few lines which didn't seem right:
"This here was the last words
My first love and I,
We ever spoke"
I don't think these are right at all.

Now for the things which have turned out to be the way that sound better and have come out correctly. I think everything else came out in the way you wanted (at least that is what I think). :)




User avatar
58 Reviews


Points: 803
Reviews: 58

Donate
Mon Feb 04, 2013 4:56 am
View Likes
spinelli wrote a review...



Hm, but what is it you're trying to say here? *nods head thoughtfully*

I think what I would like to hear from you is... more? More. Let me proceed with a hopefully-not-so-ambiguous-and-disconnected review.

First things first:
"Because this here pain-" -I totally went country when I read this because that's just what happened. It was a bit out of place in an otherwise dramatic poem. Consistency, I want it.

There's some grammar things you have to look out for:
"I gave up everything-
everything" - you wouldn't want to use a hyphen here. Probs a comma.
"when I needed somenone the most" - spelling.
"pressing a gently kiss" - gentle?
"This here was the last words
my first love and I,
we ever spoke." - "These here were the last words," and the "we" is redundant. Take that out.

Onward:
"And so he slowly smiled
his eyes gleaming like they once had" - I don't know what you mean here. Well, actually, I know what you MEANT here, but that's because I'm having to assume. You never tell us how his eyes gleamed. What does it mean that his eyes are gleaming? Good? Bad? Does he have a cataract? I mean, what? If you tell us anything, tell us all of it, but only if it has a purpose.

Ultimately, it's a little too dramatic for my taste, but if we could digress from that, I will point to the... point. The circumstances presented here are a real bummer, and I can totally understand what the writer is expressing. Boys are stupid. But then what? What is to be conveyed besides a bummer? Hm. Potential is there. Some phrases are worded awkwardly, and I'm not sure if this is so much a poem as a few weirdly structured paragraphs. But that's not the big issue. I'm just wondering what you have to say. A poem about love, or not-love, has got to break the mold somehow. You can get there.

happy writing.




User avatar
662 Reviews


Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Donate
Mon Feb 04, 2013 4:16 am
dogs wrote a review...



Helllooo there wolves! Waddya know, the wolves are a cousin of mine :), so I have no doubt that they raised you up to be a marvelous poet, and they sure didn't disappoint. So, the topic is a little overused in my opinion but you make it work with a different style of writing I really haven't encountered before. This is good mix of poetry and a short story with an effective use of dialogue. Ok now on to ze critiquing.

Firstly! The beginning is a little weak if you really want to drag the reader into your world of pain that your character is experiencing. It doesn't really have a huge PIZZAZ factor that I'm looking for. This poem is really more of a emotional one obviously, so your goal as a writer is to make the reader feel what your character is feeling. How does this all make her heart feel like, fragile and shattered while broken shards slice her from the inside out. Or does it make her battered and beating heart freeze entirely into a cold numb block of ice. Creating a stronger image in the readers head, make us feel what she is feeling.

Some things that will certainly help the imagery you're trying to create is trying to use more exciting vocab. There is nothing I love more then to read a poem with such wonderful words that I've never seen before it keeps me at the dictionary. A prime example is when you say: "Did you lure me in/ with your tempting smile" ok so you kinda have conflicting words with lure and tempting because they're so very similar in definition. You could change "tempting" out for beguiling, or seductive, or irresistible, or tantalizing. All those words would make your writing so much more exciting to read :).

"My barely lucid mind"

WONDERFUL! This is the first use of excellent vocab. Use more out of the ordinary words like this, although trying cutting "lucid" from that sentence, it would make the flow better.

Ok now you switch out of the dialogue, nice touch there and great potential in a poetry piece considering I really haven't seen it before, and I've read a lot of poetry. However when you say "he slowly smiled" that is just boring words. There is so much more potential for exciting vocab and adjectives and what not here! Like: his cheeks twitched and creeped into a petrifying grin of insanity/madness/ whatever you feel is necessary to put in here.

So interesting but a little weaker of an ending then what I was looking for. I'd like to feel the pain of the girl as he leaves her in the dust and his scintillating grin cackling in the wind. Something more poetic for an ending rather then "and that's the last time we spoke... the end." It just falls short of what you've set up so well.

I think really the weakest parts of this poem is the beginning and the end. The middle part is pretty good and with a few touch ups could be magnificent. I encourage you to re write the beginning/end and then do let me know when you finish :). I'd love to review anything else of yours so PM me if you ever need one! Keep up the good work.

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




User avatar
1205 Reviews


Points: 28236
Reviews: 1205

Donate
Mon Feb 04, 2013 3:26 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi raisedbywolves! I noticed you've posted quite a bit but have yet to review. Why don't you peruse the forums and give some feedback before posting again? The community revolves around both writing and reviewing, and people will be more willing to review your stuff if you review theirs. There's a lot of advice on how to do this in the Knowledge Base.

Now, if I understand the plot of this correctly, the boy has killed the girl. In that case, I have trouble believing that entire first part was an actual speech she would give. If he (literally) stabbed or shot her, she'd be speaking in gasps, though her thoughts might be more coherent. You say her mind is "barely lucid", which supports my hypothesis.

The first half would be better if you showed us the romance and betrayal that has led to this. Why does she love him? Why did he kill her? The current wording is rather cliche, but you could attach some richer images to it and make it worth reading.

The best part of this is here:

And so he slowly smiled
his eyes gleaming like they once had,
pressing a gently kiss
to my throbbing temple.
"But that's the game, my dear."


I'd take out "so", and "gently" should be gentle, but otherwise I love this. It sets up a dark dynamic that I didn't see until this point. I'd build on this part. What game? Why did he target her? Etc.

Overall, there's a good idea here, but it needs to be developed beyond the cliche parts. Keep writing! (but review first before you post)






I just wanted to clarify, I didn't mean it as he actually killed her. It's written for my ex who took my virginity then left me.



niteowl says...


Interesting, in that case take out the "eyes shut" part. All comments about more imagery, less cliche still apply.



User avatar
1313 Reviews


Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Donate
Mon Feb 04, 2013 3:16 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Okay. Making a statement at the top. You have gotten a lot of attention and help from the people on YWS on your many poems. I've reviewed at least two before this one. The thing is, you've got to give to get! Reviews make the site go around, and if you don't review others, they're going to want to review you less and less and less. So this is going to be my last review on a piece of yours until you give back! c:

I'll go backward.

This here was the last words
my first love and I,
we ever spoke.


What, no way, these are not words anyone would ever speak. Those were believable as thoughts, but to imagine these words coming from a girl's mouth? I don't buy it. Not to mention this sentence is awkwardly phrased. "This" is a singular pronoun, but it refers to plural "words". "This here" also evokes a specific tone that the rest of your poem does not. And why do you need to change "my first love and I" into we to repeat it? What does repetition do for you? It does nothing for me.

The most interesting part of this poem is what comes directly before it:
The idea that this man is playing a game, and it results in so much pain and heartache from this girl, and that even as he announces it's a game, he still plays it, kisses her on the head, and makes her his prisoner again.

That said, all her expression of that pain is juvenile. How many times have we heard it before? "You betrayed me!" "How could you do this to me?" It's empty without knowing precisely what he actually did to her. Which is why I think what you might focus on in rewrites is the idea that she gave up all she had to offer. There's this idea that young girls are commodities, and once used they're no good to anyone else. It's a detestable idea to me, but it might be interesting to explore when you've already got a calculated character. He might have even made her believe it where she didn't before: made her count each scratch on her skin, each pockmark she left against her ultimate value. Sounds interesting to me.

Good luck, keep writing, and I hope to see you review soon.





Someday, everything is going to go right for you, and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do.
— Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham, Questionable Content