Young Writers Society

Hey there, Awesome!
If you don't know how I review, I pick out all the small mistakes I can find and rub them in your face see if I can help you out in correcting them.

I love metaphor :3 and this is pure metaphor heaveeeeen!
Your use of imagery is quite literally amazeballs (see what I did there? ) and I like how you've made sound tangible as it really adds another dimension.

I'm not sure about setting as such, as I know that it is outside, but there is no sense of TMP (time, manner, place) to give the story any real grounding.

It's a good melting pot of ideas and images, they just need a bit more structure to make them realistic, although this has a nice dreamlike feel about it

One thing, "As I walk home, I notice that the notes are still in my view despite my eyes being open. I smile, humming that tune once more. My mother always says that I have a knack for making people believe in the impossible. I don’t see how though, I was just dancing, I was just being myself. I stop, looking up. Snow taps my nose with its long cold fingers, causing me to sneeze. Oh no, please don’t tell me I’m coming down with a cold or something again?
Oh well, at least my dancing never is ruined, the music never stops."
This seems a very harsh snap back to reality for the reader, after the smoother and dreamier context of before. You might want to alter the tone slightly here, to make it fit in, or else bring it in slowly. "That tune" has no real bearing on the reader here. What tune? We have never heard it. Maybe describe it further up the story?
Your last line could also be split into two sentences, for more impact.

And the boy with the wide eyes? Are we going to learn who he is? Because the way you have introduced him into the sentence randomly gives the impression that he is a nobody.

Altogether a good piece of writing but remember to answer the questions that you may have presented to the reader.

-Bilbos

HELLO! Guineapiggirl, here to review your story!
Firstly, welcome to YWS, the most awesome place on the internet. I know you've been here for over a month but welcome anyway. I hope you're enjoying yourself!
NOw, I will review your story.
"Frozen water is all I see, the blue water hiding under the ice. I walk across the ice, strolling as I glance around at everything. The trees dangle icicles, shining in the light of the sun. A white blanket covers the ground, leaving footprints; the snow is thick today. The clouds cover the sky above, not showing the blue that paints the sky each day. I sigh, looking to my left. No one is here since the afternoon strolled into its place, but someone left a snowman standing there, it looks rather sad. I stroll up to it, taking off my scarf. I place it around his neck, a smile forming on his face."
This is your opening. I've quoted the whole bit because I've got quite a lot to say about it.
Firstly, I really like all of the description you've used. I also sort of like the stuff about blue painting the sky each day and the afternoon strolling into place, but at the same time it feels like a bit much. I also think that some of your sentences are a bit long and you've used commas when you could put a full stop or a semi colon. Here's a link which might help: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp
I just read through all of that site and it's fascinating! It's got loads of unnecessary stuff though. Basically, you just need to think about the seperate clauses in the sentences and stuff? I'm confusing myself. Basically, the sentences felt a bit long and there are bits where commas should be full stops or other things. All of your sentences are complex and really descriptive. Some simple sentences with just one clause in would really help it flow.
The colours blink once more, as I move about the ice. It spills like paint all over the black walls of my mind, filling every corner of the dull coloured room. They dance as I slow down, the music doing the same. I’m still humming though that tune though, it won’t leave my head. I open my eyes noticing that a boy my age is staring at me, wide eyes. I stare for one minute, sighing. I don’t know him, so I skate away, getting my coat of the snowman.
Like, in this whole section, you don't have a single short sentence. Also, it should be "getting my coat off the snowman." not of the snowman.
I found there wasn't much of a plot to this, which was ok, because you had loads of description. I also thought that we didn't really know much about the character. You say they see a boy about their age. How old are they? Young, I assume. Also, is the character a girl?
I hope I've helped a little bit. In conclusion, your description is really good but you could do with some shorter sentences.

I won't mark this as a review because I still need to do some research on what makes a good one, so I won't totally embarress myself Dx

I loved this! ^w^ I think you did a great job in creating a mood for the reader through your descriptions<3 When I read something I have this automatic thing where I instantly picture it and I could definatly see all of this in all it's glory! Lol xD
Over all this a really pretty little piece you have here! I read it twice xD

Hi Awesomesauce!

So three little niggly niggles to begin with!

I%u2019m still humming though that tune though - You probably only need one 'though'. I would suggest taking the first one out.

getting my coat of the snowman. - That should probably be 'off'

Oh well, at least my dancing never is ruined, the music never stops. - Think you just need to switch the words up a bit here otherwise this sentence is a little clunky and it's your last line so we don't want that! Try 'Oh well, at least my dancing is never ruined, the music never stops.'

Overall I quite liked this piece. It's short but quite atmospheric and your writing is pleasant to read. I see it more as a moment in time though, rather than a complete story. I think it could be interesting if you build this concept of the music up a little bit more than you already have. Right now I'm just trying to get my head into it and then this music things starts to happen and then I realised she was skating. It was a bit quick! Perhaps you could show her walk to the place where she skates. Perhaps a few notes could sneak up on her as she's walking, getting louder as she continues forward and crescendos when she's skating. Sort of like a musical piece if you will! It starts slow but then builds and builds.

Anywho, I hope that was helpful! Let me know if you have any questions

Bex x