Young Writers Society

Hi Mochi.

I am GeeLyria, in case that isn't obvious xD, and I am here to review for you.

First I would like to say that the thing I liked the most about your piece is the imagery because being honest, it made me curious and it craddles the fact that this is a free verse poem (you know, for the medieval haters, lol). I really appreciate correct punctuation, and the Title is pretty catchy. So, Thank you!

However, I'd suggest you to make this poem look a little bit more uniform by converting the stanzas into quatrains... Just cause quatrains are more attractive. ;] *ahem* I'll show you what I mean.

I'll fish for stars in the night sky;
And sit high along the rings of Saturn,
Hopping on the moons of Jupiter,
and catching a comet to the nearest galaxy.

Hallo there. I'm here to review for you!

To open on a positive note, you've opened this poem with wonderful imagery. Really, the poem as a whole creates a great image. The whole notion of dancing around through space pondering our significance is quite the thoughtful thing to write about. Though, of all the lovely ideas presented in this poem, you jump from one to the next too quickly. Even though it would make the poem longer, you could spend whole stanzas exploring the single ideas in this poem. More descriptions of exactly what the character (assumed to be you) does at each location.

Flow obviously really isn't an important factor in this poem though despite the consistency, the extra length in the third line of every stanza throws the poem off. It would be much better if you split those long lines into two. This will neaten up the poem and smooth out the small amount of flow that is important. English "experts" generally tell you that line positioning and length is irrelevant when reading a poem, but we all know that the shape of the poem and its lines and stanzas affects the way we read it. My suggested fixes for this are as follows:

Hi there.

That first line is lovely. It's such a beautiful image. I love the idea of your poem, but I wish that the whole poem kept with the beauty of the first line.

Perhaps you could expand on the metaphor in the first line. If stars are what you're fishing for, then what are the planets? Are they smaller fish? Predator fish? Boulders in the stream of the milky way? If you made space a river, or a lake, I think that this poem would work better and be more coherent. You could represent yourself as a poor fisherman with dreams of grandeur. There are so many things you could do to expand on that one beautiful line.

I feel like in the rest of the poem, you're just explaining. I don't want something explained to me; I want to draw my own conclusions from what you're describing to me. If we are specks next to a red giant, I want a fisherman to tell me that he's always dreamed of seeing one, but that he's afraid that his little vessel might be eaten by the big fish. I'll infer that he's small.

Also, bring back gentle actions. You fish for stars, but you hop on the moons of Jupiter? Try more... less cliched actions(?). I don't know how to put it. It's been done before.

I liked your ideas. Now rework them into a piece of art.
Happy poeting! I hope this review was useful to you!

Hello Mochi! I love your name! >.<
Anyway, I really like this, I have nothing to say about it! You poem was really strong, full of imagry and imagination! It paints a picture in my mind which is a good thing for me! I love the idea, to me, it's as if a girl is living in space, like a space princess! ^_^ Such a nice feeling!
Well, that is all I have to say!
-Sarah!

P.S I know I said this before, but I love your name! Is it from Hetalia?!

Hey there Mochi, I'm going to do a quick stanza by stanza review. I'll touch on form where need be. I'll try to focus on idea and voice though, since I'm not so hot at poetry. I hope my review helps!

I'll fish for stars in the night sky;
And sit high along the rings of Saturn,
Hopping on the moons of Jupiter, and catching a comet to the nearest galaxy.

There's a lot of great imagery in this stanza. You mostly focus on physical tasks, I think the stanza could use a little bit of color. Some sensory details would really spice it up. As far as form goes, there's not much I can complain about. Looks good!

I'll watch the Earth from the Moon;
And lie back on the sand to see the Milky Way,
Spotting Mercury, Mars, Venus, and Neptune in their orbits around me.

In this stanza, I would say 'dust', because I envisioned the narrator on a beach. Of course, you mean that he's lying on the moon, and when most people imagine the moon, they don't think about sand. Dust would sound right to the reader. I believe the last line would sound more active if you said 'as they orbit around me.' This is mostly opinion on my part, but I think that sounds cleaner because there are less consonant sounds.

I'll be a speck next to a Red Giant;
And get lost in the extremes of the Universe,
Travelling the realities greater than my imagination and that of humanity's.

I would say 'the' Red Giant, since there is only one. I understand you are using 'Red Giant' like a variable, it represents anything amazingly large. But since this is poetry, the reader is already assuming you are using metaphors, similes, and abstract ideas. The third line sounded awkward, I would word it, 'Traveling realities greater than mine, and humanities.' It slightly changes the idea behind the line, and the it's your line, so that phrasing is just a suggestion.

I'll be insignificant on a greater scale;
And act as if I were significant on a lesser,
Pretending that I'll be remembered, in the grand books of history.

The last line sort of sums up your entire idea you've been portraying throughout the poem. I like what you are saying in the second and third line. The reader, however, could take it in a depressing way, and I don't think you are trying to be depressing. If you are, it's fine, but otherwise, you might want to go about rewording it.

Nice job, Mochi! This is a very well written poem. If you have any questions about this review, send me a PM. Keep writing, and keep up the good work!

Hi Mochi! I think you started off strong, but then the piece kind of faltered in trying to be something grand. In my opinion, poems that try too hard to be "grand" or "deep" fall flat.

But first, the good. You hooked me from the first line. There's some lovely imagery here and it just works. I might split the last line as it seems really long, though.

The second stanza's good until the last line. Now you're just seeing planets (and Neptune? Wow, you have some super-sight ). It might be better if you describe one of them, e.g. seeing dust storms around Olympus Mons or the yellow clouds of Venus.

The third stanza starts off fine, but then trails off. The third line is awkward and gets too broad. We're already galaxy-hopping; do we need to bring all of humanity into this? I think it would stronger to compare to what people can see, e.g. "greater than telescopes can perceive".

The fourth stanza is pretty blah. It's been said before and doesn't add anything to this cosmic picture. I might just beef up the third one as suggested above and ditch this entirely. I want to feel your awe at the immensity of the universe, not have you tell me about it.

This is a fun cosmic romp with some lovely images. However, there could be more added to enrich the piece and avoid being blatantly philosophical. Keep writing!

Mochi, your first stanza starts out SO strongly. Is that the line this poem originated from? Because it's beautiful, full of motion, imagery, and meaning. The second follows very closely, continuing the physicality of the opening line. And suddenly it all gets away from you, or at least away from the place that my tastes appreciate.

You descend into cheaper imagery: hopping, riding on a comet. I liked the quiet reality of sitting on a bench (rings) and fishing for the stars. It seemed like something a real person could be doing in a life on earth, but just translated out into a vaster, more beautiful scene. That's probably why I'm so upset about the hopping and the catching. It doesn't seem realistic anymore, in terms of the gestures. It'd get slightly better if you said you set up the moons of Jupiter for hopscotch and jumped on comets between them, but that's also a more childish image, that doesn't mesh with the way I'm feeling fishing.

The reason I don't like the second stanza is because laying back and watching the planets is something we can do from earth, really. Well, you know, not really. But could we do it any better from the moon? Because there's less atmosphere? That's actually a science question.

The other reason is you dismiss Mercury, Mars, Venus, and Neptune just by name. You name them, think that naming them is enough of a part in the poem, and then let them go, instead of appreciating something unique about them the way you did with Saturn.

I almost like what you did with the third stanza, but it's too explain-y. It's not wrapped up in anything poetic, and it looks too clearly at itself. It's like saying, "This poem is about stretching your imagination to wonder what it would feel like to be a human out in space." That continues to the last stanza, but the last stanza goes even further away from the point, so it's even worse, at least in my vision of the poem.

Of course, this is all with the understanding that my vision of the poem is as something emerging from the first line. My suggestion is focusing on quiet, graceful actions that blend real actions on earth with the celestial scene, not falling into absurdity just because it's space, BUT you might find that what you actually need to do is just change up that first line so it fits with the rest like you wanted it to.

Anyway, if you have questions or comments, PM or wall post me, please.

Good luck, and keep writing!