Chapter 1
The night air was still, allowing the howls of wolves to carry high into the sky, and echo through the valley. It was the gathering of the Clan of Eastern Forests; a chance for the five packs to become one, until the moon slipped from the sky and allowed the sun to rise. Kianna, a beautiful, young, but shy and reclusive she-wolf, played half-heartedly with her cubs. They were a demanding trio, but Kianna didn't care; they were hers. Her mate, the Clan's Lead Hunter, Dakota, stood beside her. Kianna stole a glance at him, but quickly turned away again. “What's the matter?” Dakota asked softly. Sighing, Kianna looked at the wolves around her. “I don't know. But, my brother. He left the Royal Pack, remember? I want to find him.” she replied. Dakota nodded. He had no family close to him, for his parents had died when he was young, but nearly all of Kianna's family were in their pack. Her brother had left to become Lord of the Draco Pack, and so Kianna had not seen him. “Go then. He'll be around. Don't worry about the pups, I'll keep an eye on them.” Dakota told her. Relieved, Kianna thanked him, than slipped through the melee of wolves surrounding her.
~~~~
Dakota kept a wary eye on the pups. As the night progressed, rather than settling, they had grown even more troublesome. He was getting rather tired, and was relieved to see Kianna's sister, Kiera, pad up to him. “Kianna told me you might want a break, so...here I am!” she called. Tail wagging, Kiera greeted his sister's mate. “Off you go! I'll keep an eye on the cubs.” she told him. Cautiously, Dakota studied the expression on her muzzle. “OK, if you're sure...” Kiera cocked her head. “I'm sure.” Yawning, Dakota trotted off, to find a quiet place for a rest. Kiera turned to the cubs. “Right, you lot! Lie down and I'll tell you a story.” She didn't notice the black she-wolf creep towards her.
End of chapter
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137,699 Literary Works • 672,061 Reviews
Alright, so I'm here for your review.
I liked this, it's really interesting and I wish I had time to go through and look at the rest of your chapter, which I saw you posted. I'm hooked, which is a very good thing, and I want to read more, also a good thing.
Alright, so now for the reviewing. I don't have very much to say, this was just a preview and not a full chapter, and it was really good. I do think that you could introduce the characters more. This is the first chapter, so I should be getting information to make me want to get to know the characters better. After all, they are the ones who will carry the story through. For example, I didn't realize Dakota and Kianna were mates until you said so at the end. I know they're wolves, but do they feel anything? I mean, do your wolves love each other? You talk about Kianna wanting to find her brother, which implies some kind of love, but at the same time you don't give me any emotion between her and Dakota. They don't seem like they're in love.
Alright, what else? Oh yeah, I think you are also rushing the action. If you do plan on making this into an actual novel, you should stretch out the introduction more. There's no need to give everything in the very first chapter. You've got to leave us hanging so that we have to keep reading in order to figure out what the real problem is and how it's going to be solved.
Alright, I hope this helped, keep writing!
Hey!
I'm Sarah here to review! Alrighty, I loved this peice, really descriptive! It pains a picture in my mind, which is a nice thing! It's as if I'm in it!
Hmmm....Well, the thing you could work one is your speech lines. Okay, this is what I mean. You should put a new speaker on a new line, that way it'll be easier to read. Also, to me, it feels as if it needs more paragraphs. It'll make is easier to read if you do this. Also, ((this is me ranting here)), I will never understand why people do this ~~~~~. *sighs* Not saying it's a bad idea, it's actually a good one, but this annoys me a little.
Anyway, with that DONE AND DUSTED, I will not say anymore. XD Anyway, the idea is an interesting one! Clans of wolves, moonlight, this all work s for me! Also, wolf pups! :3 They're so cute! >.< Also, the ending is very suspenceful to me...^_^ Nice!
If you have and inquieries about this review, ((mind you, I'm doinf this at 5:30am in the morning)), feel free to rant on my page!
*spok sign* Until next time,
-Sarah
Hey there Dakota! Welcome to YWS!
... become one, until the moon...
Her mate, the Clan's Lead Hunter, Dakota, stood beside her.
... but quickly turned away again.
"Blah blah blah." He said.
... than slipped through the melee of wolves surrounding her.
... you a story.”She didn't notice the black she-wolf creep towards her.
A couple tips before I go into full review mode:
- Always make a piece of dialogue it's own paragraph.
- Keep one subject to one paragraph. Combining everything gets quite confusing.
Alright, now then:
Spoiler
The comma isn't needed here.
Spoiler
This is written awkwardly, here's how I would do it: Her mate Dakota, the Clan's Lead Hunter, stood beside her.
Spoiler
The 'again' isn't necessary because you didn't state it happening before.
You're Dialogue is written all wrong, like I said before. Here's an example of how it should look:
Spoiler
"Blah blah," She replied, "Blah."
"Blah? Blah blah." [After distinguishing two characters, you no longer need to elaborate on who's saying what.]
"Blah."
Spoiler
That should be 'then' not 'than', and I'd suggest changing to 'and', anyway.
Also, the word 'melee' is used incorrectly here. You tend to use that when two or more people are having a struggle, which I'm sure you knew. You were probably just confused.
The dashes aren't necessary after that first block of text, since you say just a bit after that 'the night progressed'. Either remove the dashes, or start off during the new time period without a transition.
Spoiler
There should be a space after the quotation mark.
And that last sentence is also worded awkwardly. I'd write it: She hadn't noticed a black she-wolf creeping towards her.
Other than that, the story itself is fine. You present a lot of information in this preview, but don't dump everything on the reader at one time. A bit more description would be nice, however, as well as proper paragraph and sentence structure. They're very small things you have to work out, and very easily fixed.
You're doing great so far, so keep it up.
I love your writing style! I think you have a very nice and descriptive writing style. I don't have much in terms of criticism except for some simple grammar mistakes and separating your dialogue into separate paragraphs so its easier to read. Being a Harry Potter fan I really didn't think of Draco Malfoy when I heard the pack name, actually I think its a good name, all it does is mean Dragon in Latin. I really look forward to reading more because I love your writing style and I think this could be a great story. I love how your making the characters wolfs, being a fan of the Warriors series and the Red Wall series, I love stories revolving around personified Animals. Keep writing and keep me updated when more chapters come out.
Hey Dakota!
).
Shady here with a review for you this fine afternoon.
This is a very nice piece you've got here. Your description is wonderful, and description is the part that I like the very most about writing. You've got a very nice handle on the cumulative sentence, which is the method I employ in my writing as well. You craft them very nicely.
However, I believe you piece could benefit from more paragraphs. You've got a bit of dialogue. The rule of thumb for dialogue is that each speaker gets his/her own paragraph. You should actually try to make each paragraph contain it's own scene, unless you have a really big scene, in which case you can make three or four for that scene.
So your second paragraph should start with "Kianna, a beautiful, young...". Your third should start with Dakota's question, and your fourth with Kianna sighing. You get the idea...
Draco...hmm. That's an interesting name, and I like it, but that's the name of one of the main antagonists of Harry Potter. Draco Malfoy. I'm afraid people will think of him if you use Draco...maybe...Drako might not form such a mental link, I'm not sure.
Your second bit is a bit hard to keep straight, but you've got some great character interaction, so I think if you separate them into paragraphs it'll be great.
~~~
You said this is a preview, yes? So there's more to come? If so, I'd say you're nearly golden. You've got an engaging piece, and I'm eager to read on. I want to know what happens to Kiera...so hurry up and write!
If you have any questions or need anymore help, feel free to PM, wall, or chat me (or if you just want to chat, of course
Keep Writing!
~Shady
Nice starting line, take out the comma after "sky" though.
. Keep up the good work!
Dakota as a name for a guy? Interesting, for me at least that usually registers as a girls name.
When there is dialogue make it into a new paragraph, so it should look like:
'Kianna stole a glance at him, but quickly turned away again.
"What's the matter" Dakota asked softly. '
That makes your writing far easier to read.
"than slipped through the melee of wolves surrounding her": Ok so this line is confusing because "melee" means a small skirmish or scuffle or a group of confused people. Why would the group of wolves surrounding Kianna be confused or fighting? The use of Melee makes your intentions as a writer unclear to the reader. I would suggest substituting that word out for a word that would better convey your meaning.
"Right, you lot"
This is a confusing line with the use of the word "lot," maybe "boys" or something a little smoother because "lot" makes the line sound awkward.
Nice ending, leaving the reader wanting more and a couple un answered questions of the black she wolf and what not. I think what your missing her is a little more description. What does Kianna and Dakota/ Kiera look like? Is their fur tangled and tufty? Or do they have silky smooth fur with the shimmering color of a shinning grey. Something along those lines. I think this is a good start and I am very intrested to read more. Please let me know when you post something new on this story. I'd be more then happy to read it
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thank you so much for some decent, honest constructive critisism. I have sorted out the problems you pointed out. Thank you for taking an interest,
Dakota.