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137,602 Literary Works • 672,051 Reviews
jonquil.
He totally has a jonquil and you know it. ;P
On a more serious note, I'm not really sure what the numbers contribute (aside from making it easier to point out a specific stanza while critiquing). I read the poem through ignoring the numbers and then went back and read them according to number, but this piece by far makes more sense and feels more complete in the order the stanzas currently are.
I guess the numbers help indicate a timeline of events that make this piece a bit more retrospective, but the piece is quite retrospective just by the language alone, and the numbers strike me as being a bit superfluous. They're just there and not really contributing anything substantial.
With that said, the weakest stanza by far is v. It just feels bloated and overly wordy, and the reference feels like it's there just to be there. It's just so blatant an allusion, it broke the flow of the poem for me, to be quite honest.
Contrary to Audy, I actually quite liked iii. and think it does express some sentiments that haven't been expressed before. Additionally, the last stanza wouldn't be the same without the devil of iii. mentioned as being made of the mind.
And that's pretty much all I have to say. Everything else has been pretty thoroughly covered. XD
/end of lame review
Hello Lumzy. ^_^ It's a poem with a Catcher reference - of course I want to! Or at least try to.
I quite like the stanzaness and the scrambledness, and I don't think I've seen it done quite like that! I also read it in "correct" order with the numbers, and it did seem more sensible like that, hehe. But I like that they're scrambled because it's exciting and non-sensible thing is a thing. *makes sense* I sort of hoped to see the stanzas connect even more obviously, like a line or a phrase cutting off at the end of one stanza and continuing in the next one (number-wise). So, since stanza i ends with "he has a", it would've been so cool if stanza ii had begun with "[object]". O: I think that'd be such a cool puzzle effect, if not a bit obvious, but sometimes I like obvious.
The first stanza (iv) is pretty and I think it's a nice start to this. I liked "lingered in the stitching" but I didn't care that much for the last two lines of the stanza. I mean, I liked them, but I liked the beginning more.
In the second one (ii), there are some unnecessarily wordy bits like "all four of them coming to life to terrorize the townsfolk" and it just feels like quite a jumbled jam to say in comparison with the first stanza, for example. It feels like there are too many little words and prepositions and things.
The same goes for the numbered list of v. I'm very pleased to see another reference! But the second point of the list "realization that there are knives outside the kitchen" was a bit D: to read. I'm not sure if I can explain why. It just didn't feel smooth or subtle at all. But 3 is lovely, especially 3a. It's quite powerful!
Another thing I didn't much like was the "stanza" business in iii. It was like breaking the fourth wall or something but I didn't really like it, even though I did like the rest of the stanza! Again, it seemed like the stanza weakened towards the end.
I liked the play with the wind and its howls/cries. ^_^ It was nice!
Well, this was quite a ramble and I just basically told you what I liked and didn't like. I'm not sure if I can dig any deeper than that, but I hope you don't mind!
Demzy Malone!
Mr. Lumishinsire,
What is it with you and jonquils? --Fione. I'll let you have that one, because that first line (phrase, more like) was so fantastic.
Let's talk about perfume/loam - I love the sounds, I do, but when we get to knees there is an instant disconnect for me from the scene. Up to this point, these lines stopped time for me, and the skip from shirt to knees hit like a record scratch. I mean, maybe if it were elbows planted, that connection of elbows/shirt is easily viable and maybe there'll be less of an apparent disconnect? But nomnomnom, the next part is crystal. I want for you to be aware that this flows seamlessly, so I'm just pointing out the parts that disrupted that flow, like in that 5th line. At first, I kind of wondered at the break at "roots", because I was thinking metaphorical roots, like "more alive in the core" if you will, and then I realized it was literal roots, and I liked that much better. I want for that to be my first thought though, I don't want to backtrack.
This is good to know, because if the walls were alive, I'd be terrified. Claustrophobic as I am. That being said, I am loving the breaks in this stanza and the tapering off of the fragments gave it a real nice touch and made the images real visceral here.
Your next stanza connects nicely back to the title, the "if a body catch a body" I realize is a play with the references and the JD Salinger stuff, the disjointed/streamofconsciousness, the saving of the innocence, plus the double sexual entendre and all of that yadda yadda, but I don't like this:
it's not as elegantly phrased as "if a body catch a body" phrase, so it comes out a bit clunky here. The numeration though is genius and an interesting play with tension too
Your next stanza rambles. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut it love. I promise you there's nothing in that stanza that hasn't already been expressed. I don't want to be told what it means.
Your last stanza. watch out, he has a gun? :3 Hehe. I've seen it before, but what can I say, I like it. I tried reading it again by following the numerals too, and the walls bit made MUCH more sense, but I didn't have enough time to really soak in the poem as much as I wanted, so you can bet I'll prolly come back to it. This poem just screams: "read me more, read me more" and so I shall try again. <3
~ as always, Audy
Hey Lumi! I'm going to give you a quick stanza by stanza review. I'll pretty much just break down my reaction to each stanza, on a technical and emotional level. Anyway, here goes!
iv.
I enjoyed this first stanza, it really touched on the senses. The way you portrayed her love of nature was great. The only thing that stood out was the second line. I didn't really see where it fit in with the rest of the stanza.
ii.
There is some word repetition in the first line with 'walls'. At first I wondered if it was on purpose, if it wasn't, you could definitely make it work. The rest of the stanza is full of awesome imagery. I had trouble deciphering what some of it meant.
v.
This was easily my favorite stanza. I like how you say the wind screams and cries, instead of howls. This gives it human properties, and it has a nice, emotional effect on the reader. I like how you list the narrator's different feelings about screaming, although I think the last point on the list would be just as effective without the 3a., if you just put the info in 3a. with 3. I did like the effect it had on the timing, though.
ii
This stanza was nicely written. I like how the poem is written in a self-aware manner. It let's you know the poem is really from the heart. Somehow the transition between the second and third lines break up the timing in a weird way. I'm not sure how you would go about remedying this, because I'm awful at poetry, but on option would be to change 'an' to 'or'. For some reason 'an' makes me think a new idea is starting.
i.
Hmm...
This is a very interesting way to end the poem. I wish I could say I understand why you did it, but I'm not that clever. This is the sort of ending to a poem that would make me mad, because it feels incomplete, but somehow this fits the nature of the rest of the poem.
Well Lumi, that's all I've got. As usual, awesome job! I hope my review was helpful. Keep up the good work!