Querida Xaviera

well hi there,

so this is my next stop on this little pilgrimage of mine. let me start by saying that you have a knack for poetic detail. the bit about the cherry tomatoes was, in my opinion one of the best in this story. and you also made good use of simile there. this is definitely the strongest part of your writing and I encourage you to use it often in your work.

things to work on. I didn't much care for the italics in this story. I understand that your trying to illustrate a shift between past and present, but honestly you could do that much more effectively by fleshing out your prose a little more. a few simple words like "two years ago Xaviera said..." and so on. using italics or bold or other formatting tricks like that may seem like a novel idea, but unfortunately I've seen it done so often that now it just annoys the hell out of me every time I see it. it's very difficult to do well.

also, I wasn't so sure about the use of language in this story either. when I was younger I would sometimes use a German word or a few sentences of French to give the story some cultural flair. but if it doesn't say anything more about the character in question other than "Bob here is of X heritage, isn't that cool?" than its just another novelty. perhaps if one of the characters spoke Spanish because that's the only language they know, it would serve a better purpose in the story.

that's about all I have for now. let me know if you have any questions.

Hi Blues!

So, this is the first story of I've read of yours, and you are a good writer! This was definitely a pleasant read, and I think you can definitely do something with this story.

I think my biggest problem is that it's too short to really evoke any emotion, and it's also not very original. I must have read 500 of these stories in all of the different Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Which is not to say that awful things like this don't happen; they definitely do.

I think, when you revise, you have to think of a way that you can put your own spin on this story to make it original. In your case, since you're dealing with a very basic plot, you'll have to have really strong characters. Maybe build up their relationship a little before she dies. I'm also not really sure what their fight was about. I don't speak any Spanish, so that might be why I'm a little confused.

I think you can do something with the setting too. I'm imaging taking place in Mexico, so please correct me I'm wrong? If it is in some kind of latin setting, we don't see a lot of those stories, so that might make for an interesting read.

Hope this helps!

Okay, so my first suggestion? Listen to the people below. I know it's sometimes hard to take criticism, but they all made great points.

I felt basically nothing. I have questions. Did she commit suicide, or was she just hit by a bus? I always wonder. Being hit by a bus is pretty rare. You're more likely to be hit by a cement truck, actually. Unless you walk out right in front of one. Maybe she was deaf?

Otherwise, I knew nothing about her really except Danil found her physically attractive. You also compare her lips to tomatoes in a sort of cliche way. Notably, I'm asexual, but it sort of squicked me out. Sort of like in R.E.M.'s song Crush with Eyeliner and the usage of the word tomato to stand for a woman. Weird.

Beyond the fact this was written fast, as you admitted, and the confusion about what time it is (this could be played up--all time blends for him, how deep he is grieving), but it needs to have more order and needs to be clearly planned. And, again, dig more into their relationship. Show me why he cares so much. He cries for her, and men are sort of "known" to keep their emotions bottled up, especially in places where machismo is an important concept.

Otherwise, as you are new to so much description? Ask if it helps move the story along. Does it create a mood? Does it characterize? Does it allow people to deduce? Etc. Maybe look up articles on it, or read poetry? I mean, I liked the whole tears through his stubble passage, minus the "like cacti" or whatnot because that made almost no sense and left me confused. When does whatever run between cacti? See: almost never. It pulled me out of the story. Description shouldn't do that. It should move the story ahead; only the briefest pause is technically allowable, basically.

So, in a nutshell:

1. Proof-read the piece.
2. Show, don't tell.
3. Learn how to better use description.

Hope this helps.

-Cas

Hello,

-I liked the letter format of the beginning, though I'm unsure about the strikeout. I think that device should really be used sparingly, perhaps for humor or to show that information has been withheld from the characters.

-" Danil stood up, wiping the salty tears that spilled out of his eyes, weaving in and out of the stubble on his cheeks like cacti. He hastily wiped them off, shuffling to the greenhouses outside.
He could feel the thick, heavy air as he walked in, forcefully pushing the air out of his lungs before sucking it back in; Danil could already feel the beads of sweat beginning to form."
--Here we have a lot of description, but it's really not unique except for maybe the weaving of the tears amongst his facial hair. The heavy air, the sweat...I think there is something more that you can do with these that tie us to the setting. Right now I feel as though I'm simply reading filler and not getting anything out of it.

-"He yanked the tomatoes from the vines that hung from the ceiling of the greenhouse, like bottle-green curtains. It was only a few hours later after he finished the entire row, but there were still many more to go."
--These are the kinds of details that connect us with Danil. This is the kind of writing you should be aspiring toward in the rest of your piece.

-" It had been so long ago, yet he still felt the hole in his heart, like a missing puzzle piece.Shewas the missing puzzle piece, till she stormed off. He had called out to her, ran after her, begged her to come back as he combed through the surrounding areas. It was that day that he hit rock bottom, dragging his feet as he returned home, through the rain and hid in his room before unleashing a storm of his own and then watching his tears hit the tiles like the rain outside."
--And this is the stuff you should be avoiding. It's vague and over-sentimental, and doesn't give us a dramatic picture to draw in our heads. It's just sort of there. "Missing puzzle piece", "hitting rock bottom", "unleashed a storm"----these things are cliches that don't bring us into Danil's world but drag us out of the story. They're boring. I also think that you were trying to build up suspense before we find out how she dies. It doesn't work. Do that by giving us more memories, perhaps a visual of what she was doing that day before the accident.

-"Suddenly, he no longer felt alone in the greenhouse, and the smile broke into a grin."
--I would drop this line. The one before it suffices, really. And the whole grin or smile or laugh thing upon remembrance to end the story has been done a million times, and you do it much better in the previous sentence. You don't have to emphasize it that much. A little subtlety in these instances goes a long way.

Hope this helps a little, let me know if I can explain any of my opinions.

1. Much more effective would be to either a) narrate the story completely with flashbacks or b) weave in and out of flashbacks, but make it clear what is and what isn't in the past. The bland

Did she remember all the conversations they had, the laughter, the joy, the tears that she brought to his eyes as he tried not to fall over his stool from the laughter?