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Set in Stone Chapter 2

by okiegirl323

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1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Tue Feb 05, 2013 3:31 pm
Hannah wrote a review...

Ah no! A big block! You can try to edit in your paragraphs by clicking on the edit button at the left side of the screen. Doing this will encourage more people to read and review. We're intimidated by big boxes.

Well, I'm hopping in to review anyway since I made it through part one. c: Let's get on with it~

First I'll say I don't like the cop out of starting with her coming out of a black out. It's used so often it doesn't seem realistic anymore, even if it's a fact of life that sometimes people faint and stuff. I'd say try to rework that to seem more real. c:

I do, however, like the idea that she has to watch her body performing actions with no control over them. It's an awesome sort of situation that evokes a lot of feelings about one's agency, place in life, and power. I'd like more specifics in her "getting ready for the day", though. In the house she's in, under the control of the person she's under, what does that mean? Bathing? Brushing her hair? Does she do anything she wouldn't normally do under her own control?

You prepare your meals here, you will be released from the compulsion, every night.

Yup, okay, you really do need to learn to edit. I can see in a comment further down you thought you could just hire an editor, but it's not like that. An editor will not even read this. Editors are not really hired to go through and correct things like comma splices. They're useful because they catch the itsy-bitsy errors that hide themselves in an otherwise immaculate manuscript, and they also edit based on material: by paragraph, by section more than by sentence, by phrase and line.

SO! With that in mind, look at the quoted section above and read this article on Comma Splices by Lavvie. Fix it up~ Also, I don't understand the reasoning for releasing her? He wants her to adjust, but releases her at some point? Does this compulsion take a toll on him as well?

I would have cried, or rolled my eyes,

These are two completely different reactions, but the reader needs to know which one this character would actually do to determine what kind of character she is. Does she cry at the thought of some cleaning that I'm sure she'd done at her home? Or does she react to him with the attitude of an eye roll?

For the first time, I was glad I had no control over my body, it meant, he couldn't see how broken I was.

This is a very awesome and essential part of her character development. We can see how she reacts to her communication AND how she reacts to it under the specific circumstances she's in. She adapts in her mind pretty quickly, and it shows she finds a way to be grateful for something that's obviously terrible. It also foreshadows that later she might be grateful for more things she previously thought terrible... D:

"So I....what's the word?....Twisted?

I don't think the way this guy looks so often for words fits his character. He's in charge of everything else. Why does he forget words? If you have a reasoning, don't mind this part of the review. xD

What he was waiting for I had no clue, I questioned what to do, but came up empty.

This is also an awesomely genuine moment. He lets her back into her own control just to see what she'll do, and this standoff of, "yeah, but I don't want to do anything" is so real. Awesome moment!

"Get some sleep little one"

Gross. I will never ever accept them getting together romantically if he sees her as a little girl and still pursues this, which it seems like he will from the way he touches her face. I'm not comfortable with highlighting this kind of a relationship. I hope you carefully consider every implication of the way they get together (if they will -- I'm just guessing here).

Okay! So the chapter's over, and all that happened in the whole thing was that he controlled her and told her he was going to control her (and those two nice moments that I mentioned). I don't think that's compelling enough to write an entire chapter about, I guess. Nothing else happened. She like, moved about a couple of rooms, but then went right back to sleep? After getting ready for the day? That makes no sense to me~ They only talked for like half an hour. Why'd he get her ready if he was sending her back to sleep?

I think what might make this more interesting is if you included some of the main character's deeper thoughts. What is she thinking of? Does she have any memories she accesses while reading her sister's letter? I'd like to see more specificity from the letters, too, because I don't know much about the characters of any of the letter writers. What's the little sister like? Is she only a plot device, only existing to be the little sister of the main character, or is she a person of her own, with her own wants and needs? I hope the latter, so you have to consider how she'd really act on her own, not just in service of your plot.

I hope this was helpful. PM me if you have any questions and when you put up the next chapter, please!

Good luck and keep writing~

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377 Reviews

Points: 22732
Reviews: 377

Sun Jan 27, 2013 8:04 am
seeminglymeaningless wrote a review...

Hi, I'm reviewing your story for Review Day.

YWS Formatting: I don't know if you intentionally wrote your story in this manner, or if YWS managed to break it, but generally speaking, most stories are written in paragraphs. I would recommend you breaking this huge wall of text into paragraphs.

Story: I'm impressed by how much I wanted to continue reading your story instead of writing this review. It's possibly the only story I have read on YWS over the last month that I want to keep reading. Your opening few sentences are wonky and not written that well; I was going to complain about them. But then the mystery of the following sentences kept me reading. I wanted to know what was happening. Well done.

Quotation Mark Rules: This is what you have written:

"You may rise" He formally commanded.

It should be:
"You may rise," he formally commanded.

You must use punctuation before or after quotation marks, depending on what effect you are aiming for. For example:
He mumbled something like "forget me not" and then walked away.

Here the speech is indirect, something someone heard. Alternatively:
"She said to me, 'do your homework!' and so here I am."

Here someone is repeating what someone else has said, notice the different quotation marks.

Contractions: In speech you are free to use whatever sort of contractions you wish to. "til", "didn't", "gotcha" - all fine. But when you're writing descriptions outside personal affliction, you shouldn't write "til" etc. Instead of:
It wasn't til HE entered that I received the answers I was desperate for.

You should:
It wasn't until HE entered that I received the answers I was desperate for.

Emphasis: Generally speaking, you may need to emphasise certain words of phrases within your story. Instead of using bold text, or all caps, you should use italics.
It wasn't til HE entered that I received the answers I was desperate for.

Should be:
It wasn't until he entered that I received the answers I was desperate for.

Numerals: Always spell out fully numbers under 100. Instead of "5 beds" or "3 baths", you should write "five beds" and "three baths".

Let's see how you deal with this feedback; PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or would like another review.
- jhoi

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okiegirl323 says...

Thank you for the feedback and I'll be the first to admit grammar and spelling aren't my strongest skills. This story was posted on another site and it blocked together when I moved it here. Should I ever sell or publish this story I'll hire an editor to fix all my mistakes and I apologize for there being so many.

You can't just "hire" an editor to fix your mistakes. Your story will never REACH that stage if you don't fix the mistakes yourself. Publishing companies read up until the second or third grammatical mistake and then discard your work - that in mind, they wouldn't have read through your story very long at all.

I exist as I am, that is enough
— Walt Whitman