Ah no! A big block! You can try to edit in your paragraphs by clicking on the edit button at the left side of the screen. Doing this will encourage more people to read and review. We're intimidated by big boxes.Well, I'm hopping in to review anyway since I made it through part one. c: Let's get on with it~ First I'll say I don't like the cop out of starting with her coming out of a black out. It's used so often it doesn't seem realistic anymore, even if it's a fact of life that sometimes people faint and stuff. I'd say try to rework that to seem more real. c: I do, however, like the idea that she has to watch her body performing actions with no control over them. It's an awesome sort of situation that evokes a lot of feelings about one's agency, place in life, and power. I'd like more specifics in her "getting ready for the day", though. In the house she's in, under the control of the person she's under, what does that mean? Bathing? Brushing her hair? Does she do anything she wouldn't normally do under her own control?
You prepare your meals here, you will be released from the compulsion, every night.
I would have cried, or rolled my eyes,
For the first time, I was glad I had no control over my body, it meant, he couldn't see how broken I was.
"So I....what's the word?....Twisted?
What he was waiting for I had no clue, I questioned what to do, but came up empty.
"Get some sleep little one"
Hi, I'm reviewing your story for Review Day.YWS Formatting: I don't know if you intentionally wrote your story in this manner, or if YWS managed to break it, but generally speaking, most stories are written in paragraphs. I would recommend you breaking this huge wall of text into paragraphs.Story: I'm impressed by how much I wanted to continue reading your story instead of writing this review. It's possibly the only story I have read on YWS over the last month that I want to keep reading. Your opening few sentences are wonky and not written that well; I was going to complain about them. But then the mystery of the following sentences kept me reading. I wanted to know what was happening. Well done.Quotation Mark Rules: This is what you have written:
"You may rise" He formally commanded.
"You may rise," he formally commanded.
He mumbled something like "forget me not" and then walked away.
"She said to me, 'do your homework!' and so here I am."
It wasn't til HE entered that I received the answers I was desperate for.
It wasn't until HE entered that I received the answers I was desperate for.
It wasn't until he entered that I received the answers I was desperate for.
108,309 Literary Works • 576,650 Reviews