Hullo again! Immediately here so we’ll get stuck in,
Your first paragraph is whoa descriptive. You can’t do that, mate, smacking us in the face with some real imagery and stuff when the rest of the 5 previous chapters has been incredibly lacking! Also I don’t know what soot-brown even is as a colour, like black brown, dark greyish brown? You need to decide if you’re going to put more description in the other chapters and if not, you need to tone this down. You need to tone it down anyway, there are too many colours and it feels like an info dump, too much info all at once.
In fact, this whole chapter is one big descriptive mess! Tack this on to the last chapter, it wasn't very long anyway, and dispense with half of your appearance descriptions, they’re just holding the text back anyway. Also, rock-starishly? That just.. I know she’s fifteen and everything, but only lame ones will say stuff like that. Her casual reference to the diet doesn't work either “oh yeah that thing to fix the thing everyone knows about duh” no, she knows what it’s for and we don’t have to. She could sit and pick at her apple thinking – how is this even going to help my weight, it’s an apple. Blahblah half an hour after I wake up. Whatever. Or something, rather than this abrupt and weird sentence coming out of her.
I don't know how much foreshadowing you want to use, but maybe amp down on that also. I might be just very observant but it was obvious from that other chapter that she's going to have to sacrifice this 15 year old, basically. Maybe this kid's just mad bright and intuitive? I don't know, it doesn't necessarily feel that way.
A comment on the form; you're using a lot of perspectives here, which is fine, in a general sense. I feel like it's a bit too confused, however. Certainly I find whatever perspective the first is in hasn't translated again? You need to be using some kind of stamp on these to show us who's going on about what or where or something. Right now I know where we are just because I've read through everything at the same time. Is Loki the same place as the first chapter? Because I suppose it isn't but he talks about the Asgardian prisoner Loki and now Loki appears. You'll understand why that confuses me, I'm sure. You don't need to explain it to me, only understand that it's a problem if people don't understand where things are set because we waste a lot of time trying to work it out. After you finish this you might want to consider writing it all in one perspective. It's harder but I think it'll say something about your writing and your skill.
Again, I think you have most of the characters down and a tenuous grip on description. The story is stagnant in this chapter, which is why I suggest you tape it to the previous. It's a nice snapshot but it doesn't need this much space.
Thanks for the read! Hit me up with any questions, queries or just to chat.
~ Pen
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