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Young Writers Society



Intertwined Chapter 6

by artemis15sc


“What the hell are you doing to my equipment?”

All eyes turned toward her, Sarah. She was dressed in tight black shirt and pants, which brought out her olive complexion and rich, soot-brown hair. Her sea-green eyes seemed darker, like a violent crashing wave in the darkest part of the night. Even with her exotic, almost cat like eyes, Sarah could still pass for human. One that people looked at—gawked at—and thought that she must have had extensive surgery because there is no way anyone, anyone, could be that beautiful, that...

perfect.

She stood tall, sweeping over the scene with a slightly detached expression, as though the room was only one of million images also swimming before her.

There were times, like now—when she seemed to radiate power—that I found it easier to believe she was the last of one of the oldest and most powerful races in existence.

They all looked at me—the traitors—though Sarah knew had me written all over it to begin with. I attempted an innocent expression that was probably drowned out by my complete discomfort.

“Well, actually...” I started, she held up a hand. “Don’t.” She was using her, “I should be queen of the universe” voice. I hated it when she used that voice, it made her seem less human, I mean, and I know she isn’t human, but still...

“Come.” she said, before turning and striding away. We exchanged glances. I was borderline freak out because I was so excited, but they all looked—apprehensive at the most. We followed, for once no one daring to challenge her.

She’d led us to the dining area of all places. At first I thought she was going to request we have some sort of community breakfast, since we never ate at the same time. I immediately made my way over to the dispenser.

“Sara!”, she said sharply. I turned, slowly.

“But, but food...” I stammered, giving the dispenser another longing, almost mournful look.

“You haven’t eaten yet?” She phrased it like a question, but didn’t say it like one.

“No, but they all haven’t either.” They all looked at me again—I swear they practiced doing this in sync when I wasn't around—and their expressions said most clearly that yes, yes they had.

I sighed, Sara gave me another look. “What exactly did you do between the time that I woke you up and now?”

I opened my mouth, but she turned away, lips twisted into an exasperated line.

“Never mind, Damnit Sara, I told you needed to eat within a half-hour of getting up.”

Right, that stupid diet that was supposed to help me regain all the weight I’d lost in that prison camp. I gave her a sheepish look.

Sarah sighed, running her hand through her hair. “Just sit.”

I gave the dispenser one last, martyred glance before heading towards my seat. Sarah didn’t move, but I heard a resounding click behind me. I whirled around, just in time to keep an apple from smacking into my face. I stared at it, before whirling around to face her—an exaggerated look of wonder on my face. I could only see her profile, but I swear she was smiling slightly.

It was only after I’d sat down that she explained that—we couldn’t leave the ship again until she said so. That was when I had spoken out. But I couldn’t believe it? How could she do this to us? That much must have been on my face as I folded my arms across my chest and glared at her with all the venomous indignation I could muster. Someone snorted to my left—Zack— so I turned it on him. But now I was just so frustrated with the both of them, and myself, that I’d lost any and all intimidation I might have had—ever. He knew this, which is why his lips spread into a small, wicked grin that briefly illuminated his dark skin and eyes. With his arms folded across his chest and his dark hair spilling rock-starishly into his eyes, he looked like a seductive demon straight from Lucifer’s liar. A really, really, sexy seductor—which is why I snapped my eyes away, mumbling under my breath. Sarah gave me a small, triumphant smile before crossing to the other end of the room. I threw my hands up, clearly displaying my distaste with the way they all seemed to using me as a way to avoid analyzing the total outrage of what Sarah had just done to us. I mean really, whose side were they on? Chris patted my head, which—while not doing much to make me feel like I wasn’t a rabbit amongst a bunch of foxes—was a nice gesture. I could usually count on Chris for pity points in almost any situation.

“So what? We’re just supposed to sit here, still?” Not only had I gotten all our hopes up for no reason because of her, but she’d also taken away our plan B.

She turned and looked at me, smiling. Gah, I hated her sometimes. Or a lot of times, or...

“Oh, and here I thought you were perfectly thrilled about making childish drawings of scribbled rainbow dragons come to life.” I gave her a withering look, not only had she insulted my idea but she hadn’t even gotten it right. It was an orange dragon, not a rainbow one, there was a big difference.

Then suddenly it was gone, replaced by something, softer. A smile, but an ancient smile, tinged at the corners with a sorrow that came with ages, a sorrow I couldn’t begin to understand however long Sarah and my years together might be. The look she gave me it, it gave me chills. It was like she looking past me, inside me. She was searching for something, reluctantly, but as to whether or not she had found it...

She sighed and continued on her way, but not before she said, “enjoy the dragon,” almost like she meant it.


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Tue Feb 05, 2013 4:39 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hullo again! Immediately here so we’ll get stuck in,

Your first paragraph is whoa descriptive. You can’t do that, mate, smacking us in the face with some real imagery and stuff when the rest of the 5 previous chapters has been incredibly lacking! Also I don’t know what soot-brown even is as a colour, like black brown, dark greyish brown? You need to decide if you’re going to put more description in the other chapters and if not, you need to tone this down. You need to tone it down anyway, there are too many colours and it feels like an info dump, too much info all at once.

In fact, this whole chapter is one big descriptive mess! Tack this on to the last chapter, it wasn't very long anyway, and dispense with half of your appearance descriptions, they’re just holding the text back anyway. Also, rock-starishly? That just.. I know she’s fifteen and everything, but only lame ones will say stuff like that. Her casual reference to the diet doesn't work either “oh yeah that thing to fix the thing everyone knows about duh” no, she knows what it’s for and we don’t have to. She could sit and pick at her apple thinking – how is this even going to help my weight, it’s an apple. Blahblah half an hour after I wake up. Whatever. Or something, rather than this abrupt and weird sentence coming out of her.

I don't know how much foreshadowing you want to use, but maybe amp down on that also. I might be just very observant but it was obvious from that other chapter that she's going to have to sacrifice this 15 year old, basically. Maybe this kid's just mad bright and intuitive? I don't know, it doesn't necessarily feel that way.

A comment on the form; you're using a lot of perspectives here, which is fine, in a general sense. I feel like it's a bit too confused, however. Certainly I find whatever perspective the first is in hasn't translated again? You need to be using some kind of stamp on these to show us who's going on about what or where or something. Right now I know where we are just because I've read through everything at the same time. Is Loki the same place as the first chapter? Because I suppose it isn't but he talks about the Asgardian prisoner Loki and now Loki appears. You'll understand why that confuses me, I'm sure. You don't need to explain it to me, only understand that it's a problem if people don't understand where things are set because we waste a lot of time trying to work it out. After you finish this you might want to consider writing it all in one perspective. It's harder but I think it'll say something about your writing and your skill.

Again, I think you have most of the characters down and a tenuous grip on description. The story is stagnant in this chapter, which is why I suggest you tape it to the previous. It's a nice snapshot but it doesn't need this much space.

Thanks for the read! Hit me up with any questions, queries or just to chat.

~ Pen




artemis15sc says...


Thanks. I broke this chapter up because I thought people would get way to bored trying to read the whole thing in one go. Originally this was suppose to be a tenth of the size it....I just got carried away and decided to post the whole thing to see what I really needed to keep and what I didn't.



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Sun Jan 27, 2013 8:36 am
seeminglymeaningless wrote a review...



Hi, I'm reviewing your work for Review Day. I haven't been following your series, so I am entering this as if I were a potential book buyer at a store. Let's begin.

Punctuation: I can tell this is a strong point with you, but also a very weak one. A curious glance over your work reveals a whole lot of ellipses and hyphens. In moderation these are great; used too oftenly, they become tedious to decipher. Something I picked up on straight away was:

All eyes turned toward her, Sarah.

We could probably argue on the finer points of this all day, but I feel as if that comma should be a semicolon or a colon. For example:
What I want for dinner: cheese.

Or:
It was clear who had done it; Dougie Houser.

As I typed the above one, I started to lean towards ":" as being the correct punctuation. Another thing I noticed:
[snip]could be that beautiful, that...

perfect.

If you wish to do this, you should probably:
could be that beautiful, that...

... perfect.

I realise there are two ellipses, but that's the way I traditionally see it done, if at all.

Description: Whilst I feel as if your descriptive language is very vivid and advanced, not cliché at all, you lose points for having it all in one spot. If you have described this character before, and are doing so in such depth again, you lose double points. If you are describing this character's appearance for the first time in this manner, you lose triple points. There really is never a reason to spend a whole paragraph of writing over what someone looks like - all in one go. Instead of lumping it all together, spread it around:
There were times, like now—when she seemed to radiate power, when her sea-green eyes seemed darker, like a violent crashing wave in the darkest part of the night—that I found it easier to believe she was the last of one of the oldest and most powerful races in existence.

I understand you're making a point at how beautifully inhuman she is. So perhaps intention to invoke death by character description earns you points. I'm conflicted.

Quotation Marks: Always use two types when you need to:
“Well, actually...” I started, she held up a hand. “Don’t.” She was using her, “I should be queen of the universe” voice.

Should be:
“Well, actually...” I started, she held up a hand.

“Don’t,” she was using her, 'I should be queen of the universe' voice.

Alternatively:
She was using her, I-should-be-queen-of-the-universe voice.

Or:
She was using her, I should be queen of the universe voice.


Pacing: I know you're setting the scene, but I found this chapter boring. I started scanning after the mentioning of food. Did this part need to be written? Could you have written about something else more exciting and still serve the same purpose of reminding the readers that the main character needed to eat? *raised eyebrow*

Hope this helped and feel free to PM me or write on my wall for further clarification or another review.
- jhoi





"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind