Young Writers Society

Hi Lylas! Its been so long since I said I wanted to read this that I'm sure you've forgotten, but maybe it will be a nice surprise and take your mind off the rougher edges of life for a bit.

So here's a review

Specifics

1. I think you need to extend the first few lines a little. At the moment it's very simple and there isn't much for your reader to imagine as we don't know who these people are or have any hints of setting. Just a little something would be really nice. Like maybe you can tell us where she is that he can't see her? Give us something solid (or abstract even) that we can get our teeth into. If you're wanting to be mysterious then you could describe it through a metaphor. I'm guessing it's an online chat room conversation/ msn sort of thing but I'm not many lines in so let's read on...

2.

whether it be Latin,Hindi, or something foreign,

and I say something stupid back,
and I blush a deep red.

Hey, Lylas.

Before I review, I want to tell a story about something I'll remember for the rest of my life. I used to take voice lessons at the first college I went to, and a requirement of taking the lessons was that every month we had to go to a mini-recital by everyone who was taking voice lessons. Each month, different people would sing, and it was I guess more of a workshop than a recital, but it was expected to be professional. Anyway, one day a girl went up and before she sang she started apologizing for being sick and how her voice probably sounded really bad and stuff, and then sang. Afterward, the teacher told her that she should never ever in her entire life do that again. She was just giving auditioners a reason to find fault with her by claiming "probably this is bad / will be bad". She was giving them a reason to focus on the negative instead of just letting the talent she had speak for itself and take the results as they came to her, whatever the reason behind it.

I'd really like you to do the same. There's no reason for you to go around with this work that YOU put effort into, that YOU though enough of to post on this website, and say "maybe it's horrible". That doesn't make people want to go look at it. That makes people think, "okay, then why waste my time?", when your work does not deserve that at all.

If you honestly think it's not the best you can do, that's nothing to be ashamed of. That's why we've got this site. So other members can come out, point out things you might not have seen on your own, and get you working on editing it again. Don't get down on yourself. You're lovely.

Onto the poem!

I like the repetition and the intensity of the repeated phrase, but I think as it stands it's repeated too often. It almost becomes a gimmick instead of a graceful refrain. Repetition is good. It gets an idea into someone's head. But when it's said every three seconds, it becomes like a blaring car horn -- annoying -- instead of a necessary sort of thing. So I'd recommend giving us more material before repeating that each time.

As for the existing material between the refrain, I want to ask if Latin and Hindi aren't foreign? The or seems to say they aren't? I think this little slip up sort of highlights the main problem of the poem: you aren't specific. You think you are, because you're vaguely referring to specific things that YOU know you're referring to, but no one else has has the experiences you two have had (or the characters you're writing about have had), so you need to give us specificity to go on.

That's why I like the refrain so much. It's specific: it's a gesture, an image, and it evokes a tone. The deepness makes me feel like it's a dark rose color instead of a silly bright red -- the blush of embarrassment. That helps get the romance out in the tone of the words.

Give me more gestures, images, specific actions. It might be hard because you+the other person (or the characters) are divided by space, but you might at least see what poetic merit there is in the things he like that are the same as the things you like? Are they falling leaves? When you go outside in autumn and see those leaves, do you think he could be right next to you and catch one with you, and suddenly the sidewalk that was just empty feels like a black hole? Like it's more empty than usual?

What is a common theme in the things he says? How are they intelligent? If they're in another language, how can you understand at all? And if they're not, and you were attempting to describe how inaccessible they were to you, why does that make you attracted to him? What do you see beyond the wall that you can't climb?

Work it out, Lylas! Push further and you can bring it up to something you'll appreciate.

Good luck, and please PM or wall post me if you have any questions.

Lylas,
This was honestly, really good poetry. It was well-constructed and worded very well. The words and paragraphs flowed very well together and it was, VERY well done! The beginning caught my attention right away, and the ending was perfect. I thought that the computer-communicating was an interesting twist. I found it just a little creepy, but mostly sweet. But, it fit perfectly with this story. I would give this a rating of an eight or nine.
Keep on writing!
Dragonrider