Hmm! I’m really confused. Is this person gone, or is this person waiting for the speaker? I’m not sure, because the poem starts out speaking as if the “you” is dead, unreachable, which is pretty engaging, but then we get to the fifth stanza and after that it seems like this person is always there physically, with loyal love. That makes it really hard for me to get attached to this poem, because it seems like you’re also unclear as to the relationship between the two characters.
That said, even if it were clear, most of this description is vague and lifeless, so it wouldn’t be very engaging anyway. But I know for a fact that you have the potential to write engagingly about love, because you did so in this stanza:
That you were what I was breathing for,
I would have breathed my last for you,
seen you enough and bid you adieu.
“seen you enough”
Seen you enough is an original and important thought. That said, it can’t be the focus of the poem, because it fills its entire purpose just from being spoken once. The casual word of the use “enough” makes us wonder what that means. Can we ever see someone enough times? If we know we have to die, when will we say, “Okay, I think I’ve seen enough and I can die happily now”. We live (or at least I do) in a society where we’re expected to think of love as something going forever and ever and you can never have enough, so it has to be until death do you part.
But you’ve caught it there: isn’t there a point at which you’d be relatively happy with stopping? And where does it fall? After your first argument? After their deepest secret? Then there’s nothing new? Is that possible? It’s an important thought, and I think it goes well with your theme of ending but not knowing.
This is the vividness, the power that the rest of the poem needs. Just three words make me think this much, while the rest doesn’t really make me ponder. It seems like I’ve heard most of it before: “If this were your last day, I’d try to stop it”. Of course you would, but I’ve heard that story before. What newness can you give me?
I hope you’re encouraged my this review, because I’m encouraged by what I saw in your poem.
PM me if you have any questions or comments on the review, as I don’t get notifications to replies to reviews. I’d be happy to talk it over with you.
Good luck, and keep writing!
It was a very fast replay of everything written above it.. genius!!
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