The Diamond Fist (2)

by Blues

Published January 13, 2013

16+ Language

In The Diamond Fist

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

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To recap on the last chapter, Liam realised that his friends had disappeared after diving off the headland into the sea as part of a dare.

12th February

Chapter 2

 

Liam

 

“Shit!” 

 

I bit the inside of my cheek. My heart felt like it was being squeezed, my hands shaking —and it wasn’t from the cold. “N-n-no, no, they're not gone, they're not gone.” Clenching my hand into a fist, I called out hopelessly. “Medo! Jasmine! Lukas! It’s not funny, come back!” 

 

People didn't just disappear like that.  They had to be somewhere. They had to be somewhere, somewhere near!

 

“Come back!” 

 

 I took off my bag and began to run towards the cliff. They were probably being silly in the water, too lazy to get out. The water was perfectly warm and calm. They were still there. They were there.

 

It was only then that I noticed how dark the beach was with the only light coming from the stars and the lampposts emitting an orange in the distance. When did it turn dark? When did this situation become like this? I couldn’t remember. “No, no, they’re just around the corner, they’re here, they’re here—MEDO!”

 

With my heart feeling like it would burst and my airways closing, I opened my phone as I ran up the steady ascent of the cliff and I scrolled through the contact list. “Who do I call, who do I call, please let them answer …  Lukas!” I pressed the call button.

 

Silence … 

 

There was no reply.  Their phones are still in their clothes, stupid. They wouldn’t answer. Idiot.

 

Spitting out every swear word I knew, I surveyed the area. I was on the top of the cliff now with a view of the bay in front of me. They weren't in the water. Maybe they were walking along the road. That would make sense!  “Please, please let them be there, please, please, please let them be there,” I begged

 

I arrived at the top of the cliff and they weren’t there. I surveyed the area. They weren’t there either. They weren’t anywhere to be seen.

 

The world had stopped spinning.

 

They weren’t here anymore: they’d literally dropped off the face of the Earth.

 

I called someone—who? I didn’t know; I didn’t feel it–it was as if my brain was switched onto survival mode, don’t think, just do. Just do. Keep breathing, moving, doing, surviving.

 

“Hello? Hello?”

 

“Ahlan wa sahlan—”

 

“Bolees! D-Do you -- you speak English?” I’d forgotten all my Arabic; what really mattered now was finding where they were, what had happened, hoping, praying—

 

“Yes, I speak,” the man replied in a thick, heavy accent.

 

“I'm in Sharm, Shra--no, Sharm El Sheikh and my friends were—they were s-swimming and now they have disappear--”

 

“Lifeboat is coming—”

 

“No—yeah, okay, yeah, thank you,thank you—”

 

“Where are you now?” 

 

I quickly gave him the details of my location and closed the phone. And waited. 

 

What if these policemen couldn’t speak English that well? What would I do? I was far from fluent in Arabic. How would I explain th—No, calm down, Liam! I told myself they would be fine and that they were here somewhere. They were here and thought it would be a hilarious joke and this joke just went awry. 

 

I’d just call out for them and they’ll hear me. Oh, they’ll hear me all right, I don’t need to worry about where they are and I don’t need to panic and I just—

 

“LUKAS!” I roared. “COME BACK! IT’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!” 

 

Only the sound of the waves gently tumbling into the beach could be heard, seeping into the water and bubbling away slowly. Maybe a cricket in the distance, or two. But nothing else. The silence was deafening. Nothingess. The sound of nothing, pure nothing, piercing my eardrums, ripping it apart and roaring before nothing. Once again.

 

I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging at the roots and felt my heart rise to my throat. I walked back to where I left the barbecue; the fire had long been extinguished. In a fit of rage, I threw the barbecue at the cliff, the coal out. “How could I be so stupid, GODDAMMIT! What douche would even dare their friends to do that!?” I called their names again. 

 

As always, the only reply was silence.

 

I found myself bursting into tears. Don't let them have disappeared! Let them just say something from behind the trees! I wiped the tears that spilled with my hands that were violently shaking now, before buckling over, my knees sinking into the sand.

 

The distant sound of wailing became louder and louder.

 

The police.

 

The sirens stopped wailing, the lights stopped flashing and the officers wearing desert camouflage stepped out of their their similarly coloured Jeep into the orange light. “Inta kalemtina?” The man asked if it was me who called them.

 

Naam, ana--ana k-k-kalamtoko.” I forced myself to stop shaking and stared hard at the ground so the tears wouldn't show as I stepped into the light.

 

Inta mish—You are English; do you want to speak English?”

 

“Yes, y-yes please.” I explained to the policeman the whole situation as the second wrote everything down. He paused and pointed at the lifeboat emerged in the distance, its lights flashing white and red. “They arrived,” he said in Arabic. “They will be searching for them,” he added, in English. 

 

“Where they …” he mimed someone drinking.

 

“No. No, they were not d-drunk." I had begun to shake once again. “The weird thing... Weird thing is that they were going to swim back. He--They, they can swim. Swim well. I know. Look at the sea. It's - it's fine. They can swim. The sea -- 's not stormy.” I turned to hide the tears that welled into my eyes again. 

 

He nodded. “What do they look—they are…” he frowned at the lifeboat and spoke into his walkie-talkie. The sound of static before some garbled speech that I could barely understand because it was mixed in with all the static. 

 

He told me that they would contact me soon and to:

 

-  Go home

 

-  Try not to panic

 

-  Wait

 

He also took down my school’s and my own address before he left (adding that he needed it as he might speak to me) and suddenly I was alone once again. 

 

I buckled and my knees sank into the sand once again. My shaking hands wiped the tears away, and suddenly I was all too aware of what I had done. They were gone. Gone gone gone.

____

A/N This chapter wasn't in any of the older drafts so I would appreciate any comments on this ^^

To the previous chapter (1):  http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=98633

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
CelticaNoir
Comment
CelticaNoir commented Comment · Jan 15, 2013

Hey Ahem! Ames reporting for duty. Sort of.

Anyway. I'll get this straight up: I wish you had more description in your writing. Without description, your writing feels a little flat and plain at the moment. Other than that, maybe you can try making your paragraphs a little bigger? I also think you could've gotten all this across in one chapter rather than two, but I may be wrong.

Okay, on to the good things: at no point does it feel really slow-paced. I know I said you could've compressed the two chapters into one, but for what you've done I think your pacing's pretty good. I can feel Liam's panic here and the ending makes me wonder if they'll ever show up again. I want to read more of the story to find out, and that's good. Your dialogue's also pretty good, and it doesn't feel rushed or inconsistent to me.

All in all, it's not bad, but I think you could do just a little better.

Ames.

polinkacreations wrote a review Review · Jan 15, 2013

Hey there Blues!
Glad to see another chapter up!:)
What I really liked about this is the way you portrayed the angst and nervousness of the main character. It's sometimes hard to make the readers feel the way you want them to, and you managed it really well here, congrats!
It's building up, and it's good. Made me feel nervous myself :D
I find that I agree with most of Lycando's points: the flow of the chapter was a little too fast, even though the character is nervous. But, at the same time, nothing really happened except him being nervous and the police coming over. Could you possibly have Liam go in and search for his friends? Of course he is scared of the water, but maybe we could have an interesting moment where Liam is battling his fear to go and search for them himself. I just feel you could insert something in here, it's as if something is missing.

Another thing: cliches. When you say the world stopped spinning, it reminds me of every teen (and non-teen) pop lovesong I've ever heard. And you are a good writer, I think you can think of something more interesting that that! :)
The 'ring ring', as Lycando mentioned, get rid of that too. I feel the last sentence should be separated by commas, too. The 'list' I thought was actually a pretty cool idea, and it varied your work. Your descriptions are also good.

All in all, great stuff, keep me updated, and keep writing this! Can't wait to see what happened to them:D
~polinka

Blues replied · Jan 15, 2013

Thanks for your review, Polinka! :D

I totally understand what you mean by nothing much happening; however, I did want to save the searching for the next few chapters. Should I add this chapter onto the first or do you have another suggestion?

Thanks again! :)

Blues replied · Jan 15, 2013

Thanks for your review, Polinka! :D

I totally understand what you mean by nothing much happening; however, I did want to save the searching for the next few chapters. Should I add this chapter onto the first or do you have another suggestion?

Thanks again! :)

User avatar
Lycando
Review
Lycando wrote a review Review · Jan 14, 2013

Hey there Blues!

Alright so I find this story to be building up in it's excitement. Note that I didn't read the first chapter but still from the recap I can roughly guess.

This chapter was pretty fast paced, and I felt it lacked in some description, and consistency. There was also some cliche bits that I spotted.

Description

Mainly this whole chapter consisted of alot of conversation, and dialogue, which included the yelling. I felt the panic only in the parts when Liam was yelling his lungs out, that's all. Imagine you were in his shoes and you just experienced what he had. The first thing you would do would be to search for them right? Not stand around in one spot screaming their names out and hoping that they would somehow reappear. Already Liam knew something had happened when they didn't return after ages. But instead of running around he just stood where he was and kept yelling? It isn't very realistic there, and if you change it then yes I would definitely feel Liam being panicked.

The consistency.

In the conversation between Liam the locals there, there were some parts where I could feel his anxiousness and some parts which I didn't. For the parts which I didn't feel his anxiousness, it was because the sentence seemed to flow too smoothly, like a normal conversation. There wasn't any stuttering or words which seemed to be pleading for help. In my opinion Liam would be pretty freaked out and maybe even be lost for words. He may even have broken down upon seeing the police. Unless of course he had gone through similar situations and was used to it. But in this case I think he was pretty darn freaked out.

The cliche bits

Alright, first one.

"Ring, ring!"

This is really cliche to the point where it gets amusing. This story is supposed to be sort of a thriller or even suspenseful. But this two words spoil it, because it just doesn't fit in. Note that I'm not against this but I just feel that you could have definitely done better than this. I actually played the sound out in my head out of pure instinct, and it isn't good for this kind of genre.

"The silence was deafening."

Not exactly cliche in this sense but probably add some words behind and make this a longer paragraph. These few words by themselves aren't enough for the reader to feel the impact. Describe the place, how quiet it was. Talk about what you could normally not be able to hear, but due to the silence, it became prominent.

Overall that's my critique for this. It's an interesting story and I think the next chapter will be more exciting. I do hope my review wasn't that harsh, and I hope that it helped!

Blues replied · Jan 14, 2013

Thanks for your review, Lycando! I'll be sure to take your comments onboard :D



Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness
— Allen Ginsburg