Chapter 1
Liam
If you could give an unborn child a piece of advice about life... what would it be?
“Concentrate on school!”?
“Mummy and Daddy always know best!”?
“Don’t do drugs!”?
“Look on the bright side of life!”?
If it were me, it would be “Think before you speak”. No, forget that. It’d be “keep your trap shut”. No, not even that. “Superglue your mouth at first opportunity”. Or at least, that’s what I’d have said to myself.
12th February 2011. I remember that day so clearly, as if my history teacher burnt it into my mind because normally, I’m terrible at remembering dates or names. It was the day after the Egyptian President–Musterfar Ehap or something–was kicked out of power, basically, but I mainly remember that day because that was the day me and my friends had progressed to the next round of a swimming competition.
It was that day. That day that all this mess had started; all the hurt, the torn families, the pain, all started from that day. Funnily enough, it was supposed to be a good day. The day you win at something should be a good day to remember.
I stood on the cliff, peering over the edge at the spot where they jumped. Their clothes lay in separate, disorganised piles on the floor. Trousers, necklaces, bags, hairbands, T-shirts. When did this all happen? Just a few moments ago, they’d been standing there, still fully clothed, still smiling.
After the swimming competition, we’d gone to the beach that I was now looking at from the cliff. The sun sank into the horizon, turning into a deep, blood red. We sat in a circle around a one-use barbecue that I’d purchased (they’re more relaxed about regulations in Egypt) where the marshmallows were being toasted till it was charred leaving a gooey centre–just the way I liked it.
Lukas, the youngest out of all of us, suggested we play a game: Truth or Dare. We agreed to keep it clean for his sake, but he seemed to be the most annoyed about it. “So we don’t scar your mind and so that we don’t cheat on our girlfriends,” said Medo, who was probably the fastest swimmer out of us all. “Shouldn’t you be playing with action man?” he snickered.
“14 is old enough to play!”
“How do you even know the game exists?” said Jasmine, taking off her straw sunhat. “And I just lost the game, guys.”
A chorus of groans. “Jasmine!”
She cackled.
The bottle was spun and Lukas was dared to eat three marshmallows dipped in seawater. We burst into laughter at the horrified expression on Lukas’ face and laughed even more when he ate it. With the horror still on his face, he spun the bottle aggressively to choose who would be his next victim. The bottle span before slowing.... and landing on me. I covered my face with my hands. “No...”
“Yes!” he cackled. “Truth or Dare? Please pick dare,” he said, with a sadistic twinkle in his eyes.
“Truth,” I said, my hands still hiding my face.
“Why would you do that, Liam?” he sighed. “I don’t have an idea for a truth.”
“You could go all deep and philosophical: if you were in the Olympics: Egypt or England?” said Medo.
“That’s a hard one, but I can’t if I’m not Egyptian—don’t ask how they even let me do thi—”
“Hey! Hey, I’ve got one!” Lukas whispered in my ear; my eyes widened and I moved away.
“I-I-I’ll do—I think I’ll do dare, then.”
Lukas smiled and I was forced to drink a mixture of Miranda and seawater. It tasted thin but I could feel all the moisture in my mouth being absorbed; I flushed the taste down with a gallon of water and even then the taste remained. Next, it was my turn to dare someone else: Medo. He hid his face in his hands.
I looked around, searching for some inspiration. The cliff; the café; the road; the beach; the rocks; the sky, the sea; the cliff—
The cliff… Now that was a good one. “I dare you to jump off the cliff. With clothes.” I smiled. “Have fun.”
His eyes widened. “Are you—?”
I nodded. “Wouldn’t that be fun? I’ve done it a billion times anyway, Lukas was there, remember?”
“Do it,” urged the girls. “Do it, Medo!”
“Only if you guys do it with me,” he said, standing up and brushing the sand off his jeans. Medo said something in Arabic, which meant something along the lines of, “You’re all pussy cats if you don’t.” Keen to display their courage, the rest joined, taking their stuff and leaving the marshmallows on the barbecue.
We started at the base and walked along it as it rose higher up. It only ended up about 10 to 15 metres above the sea, just like the diving boards we’d occasionally used. The cliff narrowed towards the tip; a cluster of palm trees had been planted at the tip of the cliff. We stopped by the trees and everyone prepared for the dive.
“I’m going home after this… I told my mum I’d be home by then,” said Jasmine
“I don’t want to go home,” complained Lukas, trying to stifle a yawn unsuccessfully.
“Damien, you’re the only one who has to keep their clothes on for the dive. I hope you’re not planning to chicken out!” I squawked and flapped my arms like wings. Damien became very red faced.
I looked down into the calm sea, almost flat like an empty field. In the murky depths, I could’ve sworn I’d seen a Chinese dragon open its mouth, waiting for me to jump in, to bolt me shut and trap me forever. There were the white teeth, dragging the sand at the beach into the wat—no, it was simply a wave gently tumbling into the beach.
The wisps of blood, twisting, twirling, dancing like smoke, as it devoured your body.
No, no, Liam. Don’t think of that.
“Alright, you lot ready? Three… two… one… jump!”
They dived into the water, like bullets darting into the water, just like the many times we did while messing around on diving boards or like that one time that they jumped off this cliff.
Splash!
I watched them rise to the surface to the water, greeting them with a round of applause. “How was that?”
“That was amazing,” shouted Damien, his hair plastered to his face like seaweed. “Aren’t you gonna come down, Liam? Or are you too chicken?” He squawked and flapped his arms in the water. “Awh, what a shame. Liam’s too chicken to come down!”
I could feel my blood rush to my cheeks. I stepped back so that they couldn’t see me.
“Someone’s got to look after the bags! I’ll meet you back at the beach, alright?”
Problem was, when I arrived, they weren’t there. I told myself that they were probably still on their way, after all, it took longer to swim with clothes on. The water couldn’t have swept them away either. The water was calm today.
I waited some more, flipping the remaining marshmallows on the barbecue till they were charred as I tried to get rid of the possible worst-case scenario out of my head.
Fifteen minutes. They still hadn’t arrived.
Twenty minutes. No sign of them either.
Something was very wrong.
Click here for the next chapter!http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=99033
Well, I can see that everyone else has already got pretty much everything. The only thing I can say is that I'm still confused about whether or not Medo and Damien are the same person.
Great job! I'd love it if you PMed me when a new chapter is posted! 
Is the pace of this chapter okay?
Personally, I felt as though it could have been longer, but the pace was not something that hindered my reading at all. It was fast, but it was an entertaining pace. The Truth of Dare game could have been longer and it could have given insight to your characters.
Description?
Your description of the beach was very small, but I don't like giant, ridiculous descriptions of mundane things.
Does anything need to be lengthened?
As I said before, it cold have been longer in certain places. If it was longer, I feel as though you could increase the amount we know about your characters, thereby giving the reader a better connection with them.
Things seeming unreal?
Not really. I usually criticize writers for their dialogue being artificial, but yours seemed perfectly real.
Overall, I am definitely interested in reading more. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!
Hey Blues, here I am!
Firstly, the name is really catchy - connotations of both violence and beauty. Nice:P
Little note: I apologise if I say the same thing as the other three reviewers! 
I guess I'll jump right into it.
The beginning is peculiar, and really amusing as well, which immediately draws the reader's attention and gives me the feel for the rest of the story. It's pieces of advice i'd give myself, too - what a coincidence:D
- great use of the word "burnt" here - really powerful image.burnt it into my mind
- you're missing a full stop after her name.I'm going home after this…"" Said Jasmine
Alright, hehi Bleus. Time for the reviews, as promised.
First off, my general impression of this was it was pretty good. The grammatical errors were minimal, as all the errors actually. I'll definitely be reviewing/reading more of your novel.
Onto the critiques.
For starters, that first bit about the character asking himself what advice to follow in life. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the chapter, though I guess it's acting like a mini-prologue or what-not. I just wanted to point that out very briefly.
I remember that day so clearly, as if my history teacher burnt it into my mind because normally, I’m terrible at remembering dates or names.
but I mainly remember that day because that was the day me and my friends had progressed
It was that day. That day that all this mess had started; all the hurt, the torn families, the pain, all started from that day.
With the horror still on his face, he spun the bottle aggressively to choose who would be his next victim. The bottle span before slowing.... and landing on me. I covered my face with my hands. “No...
I looked down into the calm sea, almost flat like an empty field. In the murky depths, I could’ve sworn I’d seen a Chinese dragon open its mouth, waiting for me to jump in, to bolt me shut and trap me forever. There were the white teeth, dragging the sand at the beach into the wat—no, it was simply a wave gently tumbling into the beach.
“That was amazing,” shouted Damien,
Hai Blues! <3 Here to review as you requested.
I'm going to give you my overall impressions first and then jump in to individual critiques.
I have to say, your opening lines were quite intriguing. It really made me wonder what was going to happen later on. It's not quite foreshadowing since it's so intentional and obvious, but still, it's effective.
This is a very interesting first chapter. Your MC turns from one who is simply observing the action to becoming a part of it and then...being left behind by it, I suppose. Your imagery is good, your descriptions are (mostly, I'll get to nitpicks later) effective, and your dialogue...
My goodness, your dialogue is fantastic. Your characters spoke in a way that was so real and...funny,m actually. They sounded just like my friends xD But really, the realism in your characters is wonderfully done. I have to applaud you on that.
CRITIQUES:
12th February 2011. I remember that day so clearly, as if my history teacher burnt it into my mind because normally, I’m terrible at remembering dates or names. It was the day after the Egyptian President–Musterfar Ehap or something–was kicked out of power, basically, but I mainly remember that day because that was the day me and my friends had progressed to the next round of a swimming competition.
When did this all happen? Just a few moments ago, they’d been standing there, still fully clothed, still smiling.
We sat in a circle around a one-use barbecue that I’d purchased (they’re more relaxed about regulations in Egypt)
The bottle span before slowing.... and landing on me. I covered my face with my hands. “No...”
“Yes!” he cackled.
“Hey! Hey, I’ve got one!” Lukas whispered in my ear; my eyes widened and I moved away.
I flushed the taste down with a gallon of water
“I’m going home after this… I told my mum I’d be home by then,” said Jasmine
I looked down into the calm sea, almost flat like an empty field. In the murky depths, I could’ve sworn I’d seen a Chinese dragon open its mouth, waiting for me to jump in, to bolt me shut and trap me forever. There were the white teeth, dragging the sand at the beach into the wat—no, it was simply a wave gently tumbling into the beach.
The wisps of blood, twisting, twirling, dancing like smoke, as it devoured your body.
Problem was, when I arrived, they weren’t there.
Something was very wrong.
Heyheyhey, Bleusy,
I'm not sure if this is going to come out nice and reviewish, because I liked this, and I don't know if I can find a lot to suggest for improving it. However! I will have a go.
First up, I love your opening. It's fun, it definitely gets across Liam's conversational narration style, and it lets us know he's going to say something really stupid later on - I want to know what. (I didn't read your first draft of this, so I really am in the dark here.)
I'm not sure what I think about the President's name (or is it a mangled version of?) being in there. On the one hand, you get across that Liam isn't really up with current affairs, but on the other hand it confused me and threw me out - I thought the guy was called Mubarak? I'm not really up with current affairs and Egyptian polotics either, I admit, but it was a little odd... a bit like hitting a small pebble in the road of reading. I'd be tempted to suggest saying something like "I forget the guy's name" instead, but your novel, your call.
I like all the stuff that comes next - the non-chronological telling of events, the kids hanging out together, this is all lovely. Then there's a little bit where I get a bit confused: just before they jump. Firstly, I'm not sure who Damien is. He hasn't really featured yet, and I don't understand why he has to keep his clothes on. Second, I'm also not really sure why Liam stays behind. He justifies it as looking after the bags, but not until after they jump - it might be good to clarify what's going on here a little.
And apart from that, I haven't really any other complaints. I like it! And I'm eagerly awaiting more :3 (Also, hah, I just made myself laugh by thinking "he ends it on a cliffhanger - hah, cliffhanger!". You're welcome.)
Cadi x
120,216 Literary Works • 649,142 Reviews
Points: 1832
Reviews: 121
Donate