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Dream Saga Book 1: The Ring of Enhancement

by ryuugan

"Let me go!" Apollo yelled. "Sure, after you give me my homework." Gunther cruelly replied. Gunther then punched Apollo in the stomach and took a sheet of paper from his binder. "Here's my homework. I knew you weren't holding out on me." He said.

When Gunther's back was turned, Apollo got up and punched him with such force, that Gunther slammed into the wall 10 feet away. Apollo took the homework and went to class.

Based on what happened, you probably think that the two are at a school. Well, you're wrong. They are both orphans at the Orphanage for Unfortunate Children. Apollo is a 14 year old boy with white hair. He is caucasion and has brown eyes.

The Orphanage has a good education system because of an anonymous donation of $800,000. As you'd have guessed, a fourth of the donation went to the warden.

Before I continue, I should start over. As the routine required, All orphans woke up at 6 a.m. to take a shower. There were 14 showers for the kids.7 bathrooms per gender. There were 60 boys and girls with a time limit of 2 minutes.

After a shower and normal morning preparation, they were to go to the cafeteria for breakfast. I'll do the math for you. The whole morning routine took 3 hours. Everyone had 15 minutes to get their stuff and go to class. Yes, that's right. Class. The warden believed in order, so their were was 1 class per gender. In terms of age, it was mainstreamed. So in short, schooltime in the orphanage was from 9:15 to 5:10.

While Apollo was in class, the science teacher was giving a lecture that was putting him to sleep. So to keep himself from sleeping, he thought many thoughts.

I can't wait 'till class is over, this lecture about biology is so boring. Why's he even giving a lecture on biology anyway. I mean, this class is mainstream agewise. I hate my white hair, Every time I try to make friends with someone, either Gunther threatens them into shunning me or they hit me with old man jokes.

I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open.

3 minutes after Apollo was fell asleep, he awoke to find he was soaked with water and was wearing a dunce cap.

"Apollo, since you can't listen to a short lecture about biology, you can go stand in the hall and stay there until class is over." Mr.Mills said."I'll let Director Wheels know that you have detention from today Friday, April the 13th until Tuesday the 17th."

You call your lecture short. The time it takes for a turtle to get from Canada to Argentina is extremely fast compared to his lecture.

Man, Artemis is going to be pissed off that I'm that I'm having detention again. I might as well call her mom

Apollo had to be outside because at this orphanage, all subjects were taught in one class.

Once Mr.Mills was so caught up in his lecture that he didn't notice the students, Apollo fell asleep and started to dream.

In his dream, Apollo inside a palace that was as black as a shadow and was in white lava(literally).Where am I?He saw a pale man wearing a hooded black robe seated in a silver throne. Beside the man, was a beatiful woman in chains.Who is she? White hair, caucasion,brown eyes...she looks just like me and Artemis!

'"So you're Apollo, Orphia here has told me alot about you and you're sister." The Man said. "Who are you? What do you want!?" Apollo said. "Why, I'm Orphion. King of the Draculan Tribe. This beauty here is your mother and also my sister." Orphion said.

"You're a vampire? Yeah right! I bet you just never went outside in I don't know... 10 years." Apollo said.

"Would you like to join me in my goal.You would be a great asset.?" Orphion asked. "Whatever it is no way, you belong in a crazy house!" Apollo said. "Really? Your mother might not benefit from a refusal. I have no qualms about killing my sister, due to the fact that she is of the rival clan." Orphion said.

"Mom?" Apollo asked. " Yes I'm you're mother don't do whatever he says I mean it." Orphia said.

" My answer's still no."Apollo said. "I lied. I would never kill Orphia seeing that I'm not done with her. Arctek Gol!" said Orphion. Immediately, wolves made of ice appeared out of nowhere and was running straight for Apollo.

"Ice wolves!" Apollo exclaimed. Seeing the wolves going for him, Apollo ran straight for the exit while keeping an ok distance between him and the wolves. Apollo is really fast even though there's no P.E. at the orphanage and running's outlawed. Not everyone can run faster than wolves. If you know someone who can run faster than wolves, give that person $60,000.

When he reached the exit, he pushed open the doors to find that the palace was an a sea of lava. The wolves were getting closer. "APOLLO WAKE UP!"said Artemis. Apollo then found himself back in class.

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1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:51 am
Kale wrote a review...

Hello ryuugan. Before I start the review proper, I'd just like to say that I noticed you currently don't have any reviews to your name, and that one of the best ways to get reviews (short of requesting them) is to go out and review other members' works. The more people you help with your reviews, the more people will want to help you by reviewing your writing.

With that said, onto the review.

When Gunther's back was turned, Apollo got up and punched him with such force, that Gunther slammed into the wall 10 feet away.

Wow. That was quite some punch. Apollo must be really strong to send someone flying ten whole feet, considering most people have a hard time kicking people that far. You might want to tone down the crazy distances, especially since it leaves me wondering why/how Gunther was bullying Apollo when Apollo is that strong.

Speaking of the bullying, Apollo's punching Gunther when Gunther's back was turned makes Apollo look a bit like a coward. If that wasn't your intention, then I'd suggest having the two boys get into a head-on fight. Apollo can still come out the winner, but having an honest fight will make Apollo less like a coward and more like a character your readers can relate to.

Anyways, this chapter overall moved really fast and was very tell-y. Basically, the narration tells us exactly what happens and why, which makes everything feel a bit rushed because your readers have no time to react to anything you tell them. Action is great and all because it keeps a story moving, but having action all the time makes it hard to keep up, like how running after a speeding car all the time isn't easy. You eventually need to slow down and walk before you can start running again.

Right now, this chapter is on a full run without any signs of slowing down, which makes it difficult for your readers to keep up with all the things that are going on. You can give your readers some walking breaks to let them catch their breaths by spending a bit more time on how your characters feel to certain events. For example, does the dream confuse Apollo? What exactly about the dream confuses him? Including things like that slows down the pace a bit so your readers can react to all the action that's happening, instead of getting overwhelmed.

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197 Reviews

Points: 13932
Reviews: 197

Wed Jan 09, 2013 12:33 pm
Lycando wrote a review...

Hey there!

From your style of writing it seems that you're a kid? It was a good attempt for a story but let me point out some things.

The pace was far too fast. One moment you're talking about being in class and the next you talk about not being able to make friends. Than you jump to the part about having the dream, and in the end waking up. It's all too fast and I don't have a clear idea what's going on. Slow down the pace and decide what is it you really want the reader to know, and focus on narrating about that. Since this is about the Dream Saga, focus more on the dream and less about the class. The reader doesn't have to know what isn't going to be important in the rest of the story.

Dialogue wise, I felt it was a little to artificial. What I mean is people wouldn't speak like that in real life. Also the little mistakes of "your" and "you're". The dream was also too fast paced. As the reader I found myself just reading dialogue and not being able to follow the plot. Slow down on the pace and I think this story will work out fine.

Overall my general tips for you are. Know what you want your readers to read, focus on the main point of the story, the dream. Keep the pacing slow, if it's an action scene you can go faster, but ordinary narration like this has to be kept at a slower pace. Lastly dialogue, the way the characters speak seem awkward and not how a conversation would go in real life. Work on these and your story should turn out much better!

Hope my review helped!

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ryuugan says...

Thanks, it did help! How old are you and how did you figure out that I'm a kid.

If you have to ask, "Is this cliche?", it probably is.
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