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As Van (fireheartedkaratepup) stated formatting is crucial. I wholeheartedly agree with their review (even though they’re on another team which supports my read mama who I plan to take down.) Never use caps in a literary piece, it’s not done in novels and shouldn’t be done here. Moving on to something new.
I see lots of unnecessary commentary throughout the piece.
Someone had called, I picked up the phone, it was Becky my receptionist.
Could have easily been:
The phone rang. Tired at this point of the day, I loosened the noose around my neck before picking up the phone.
This is an ideal opportunity to slip in details rather than point out the obvious.
Now, Becky’s entire dialogue is written in caps. I understand she’s probably in a heightened state of emotions, but I’m still not sure how she’s delivered the speech. Breaking up the dialogue and giving us clues would be appreciated. Here’s my own interpretation (with some added commentary via the protagonist –which may be completely out of character):
Before I can even utter my name, my receptionist nervously rattled: “Hello, Mr. Clarckson.” Her voice trembled in a high octave, higher than the usual soprano: “I do believe Miss Clive has intruded on our property.” She paused for a microsecond –perhaps for a breath? “When confronted, she ignored me!” Oh, dear . . . Becky doesn’t do well with being ignored, I heard her drawer opening. “And –I do believe,” I caught the sound of pills shaking. Surely something to calm her nerves, I didn’t want to think too long on the implications. Becky emitted audible swallowing followed with a crisp staccato of a glass hitting the desk: “she is walking to your room.” She squeaked, “Keep a gun ready if she asks for money!” Becky hung up to breath I’m sure.
I sometimes worried over her and that all too neat desk of hers.
The reader can now comprehend how the line is delivered; each word is given more impact now that it has meaning. Each break acts like a breather that allows the reader a moment to process the information.
Confused in this odd pradicament, my thoughts were interrupted by a creek of my door opening, with a young lady stepping out. At first I took no notice to her.
Seeing how this is a narration by our protagonist, we know what they know and what they assume therefore we would have no idea that a young lady is the cause of the creak of the door.
Oh yes. You meant to use “creak” rather than “creek” the latter being a body of water. Minor error, I hate how spellcheckers can’t be more comprehensive sometimes. Especially when you write something late at night as I typically do. I digress.
That reminds me though –predicament instead of pradicament.
This is what I suggest:
My thoughts were interrupted by the creak of my door, but I didn’t pay too much mind to it. What in the world was Becky trying to say just now?
“Ahem.”
In general, use two spaces between each sentence. When it comes to the description of this young lady, I must question the use of Miss Universe. Miss Universe of what year? This year, Miss America won –is that to whom you’re referring to? And if she resembles a close relative has she also undergone the knife (surgery) or does she have an all-natural look? This allusion demands such clarifications.
The protagonist’s commentary of her height and male dominancy –it either shows how very shallow he is or his dry sense of humor, I’m not quite sure which one it is. Also hold on, did he just actually say this?
[It would] be pretty embarassing to have a girlfriend thats taller than you
He stated girlfriend, which means he’s contemplated courting her within seconds of noticing her existence. Honestly, when I notice someone attractive in my room I first wonder what they’re doing here and then leave the fantasy for a later time.
Now onto the mechanics of the quote above:
It would be pretty embarrassing (two r’s) to have a girlfriend that’s (apostrophe) taller than you
It’s unnecessary to state she’s tan from head to toe unless she’s nude in which case that shows plenty of commitment to having no tan lines and . . . wait, she’s nude? That’s my point she’s not nude. Nevertheless, he can notice she’s got a rich tan.
I’m surprised that we’re still describing this young lady. Is there an end in sight or point for that matter? It seems to be overkill. I understand she’s attractive with the Miss Universe comment alone. I don’t see any value in describing her beauty unless it becomes pivotal to the plot (I’ve re-read this chapter a few times and still don’t see it, but I may be wrong.)
I haven’t read the first chapter for that matter. Some of my comments may not be valid due to this.
Also, how does he get away with appraising her for this long with no commentary from her? I feel that he’s been intensely leering at her for a good ten minutes.
"Wow! So your Kyle clarkson I thought you'd be one of those bearded, drooling guys I didn't expect a hottie".
So you’re Kyle Clarkson
Her first lines from her besides the “ahem” earlier and I’m getting the feeling of an inane young lady. This may be your intention: however, the bit of “bearded, drooling guys” seems to be a bit overboard.
Our protagonist brings up Becky telling him of Miss Clyde’s arrival –which blows my mind. Earlier, he couldn’t make heads or tails of it. Now, he’s suddenly made out that small bit AND can recover smoothly after staring at her intensely. My suspension of disbelief snaps at this point.
She replied in her most intoxicating tone.
How was her voice intoxicating? Did it purr? Has Miranda come closer to our protagonist, posed coyly, and used a light drawl with a wink? Therefore giving her voice this alluring quality to it (you know package deal kind of way)?
I keep finding misspellings; at this juncture I request you run a spellchecker.
For a breif moment I ignored her irresistableness, all I could feel was anger rushing through my viens.
Rather than ignore, use forgot –it’s more powerful. It completely diminishes her attractiveness.
In short, break up the dialogue. Give the reader a more comprehensive understanding as to how they’re being delivered –not just tone of voice, but also the body language that comes with it. The visceral reaction of the characters interacting with one another greatly enriches a scene. I applaud you on raising the stakes with Miranda’s move there, but elaborate more on how very important this all is to our protagonist and how very painful it is to give in to her unreasonable demands. Good luck!
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