Part One
Prologue
Regan's Pov:
I sat with my legs pulled up to my chin. I couldn't think; my mind felt like one big, hazy fog.
With an exaggerated sigh, I rested my chin on my knees and wrapped my arms around my legs, hugging myself as my only comfort. The same bothersome question that had been buzzing in my head all day was growing painful as the sunset turned the sky from a dark red to an orange glow.
"Asher," I sighed pathetically again, "where are you?" My eyes swept across the deserted beach. I tried to fight back the fear that was building inside of me as the leftover light from the day almost completely dispersed. I really wished he would show up before darkness took over all together. Could I make myself go home then? It wouldn't feel right - going home alone.
I was getting chilly now, and the goose bumps rising up on my legs warned me to go home. My hopes dimmed along with the light in the sky and in just a few more minutes, they'd be extinguished like the sun on the horizon.
Fear, with a mixture of pain and anxiousness passed through me, making my blood turn cold, until I finally heard what I was waiting for.
Soft, barely audible footsteps shuffled in the sand, just clumsy enough to reassure me so that I didn't even need to turn and see who it was. I stood up so quickly that all the blood rushed quickly down to my legs. I became dizzy from it - also from the overwhelming relief that was drowning me. Nothing was said between us as I brushed the dried sand from my legs while trying to calm my heart down at the same time.
I was angry and upset with him, but it wasn't enough to stop me from holding my hand to my chest to keep my speeding heart from falling right out.
"Why you down here waiting for me?" Asher asked in a rude tone. I knew that he would have preferred to find me away from the water, maybe in an alley sitting on the curb of a deserted street. Away from people or noise. But mainly away from water. And when his coal black eyes scanned the ocean uneasily behind me, I knew I was right. He hated water almost as much as he hated for me to talk to any other person that lived on this island.
"I wouldn't be here if I wasn’t needing to wait for you," I snapped back quickly. But even the bitterness I was trying to use failed. Couldn't he just give me a hug and we could leave the beach together? I'd promise him never to come back if he made a promise in return to never leave me all day alone again.
Asher moved his eyes to my face wearily. "Hi Regan," he said quietly, knowing that I was upset.
My shoulders sagged with exhaustion. Waiting for him all day had not been easy, and by now, all of my energy was drained. "Hi," I answered back pathetically.
I checked over my boyfriend for a brief moment. Like always, his thick black hair was plastered to his sweaty forehead. His cheeks were pink from the heat, and his eyes were black and cold as stone. So why did I still feel like something was wrong?
Asher cleared his throat, drawing my distracted attention back to him. "I aint want to say this. I gone and told you I was goin' to be leavin' sometime. Aint I tell you that?"
I froze. Not just my movements, but my breathing too. The waves stopped. The sound around me stopped. Everything stopped.
"You never told me when..."
"Now."
His bad English wasn't hard for me to figure out anymore. It was natural to me now, just as normal as my flawless grammar. Over the days and weeks I had come to understand him easily. But, for some reason, I stared at him with my mouth gaping open like I didn't understand at all. To be quite honest, I didn'tunderstand.
"Tonight?" I blurted out on the verge of breaking down.
He squinted his black eyebrows together and his inky eyes darkened in impossible ways. "We leaving now. I came to say goodbye." My legs began to shake under me and my lips trembled. Goodbye? He reached for my hand, but I jerked it out of his reach.
"You can't leave me," I whispered numbly.
Now everything was coming back to life. The feeling was returning back to my body, although I wish it wasn’t. Pain...shallow breath...stabbing. Oh God why did it hurt so much? Breakups didn't hurt like this; they didn't feel like a physical beating to the heart did it?
"No, Asher. Listen to me! You can't leave me...not now..." My voice was rising quickly with fear. "Not at all."
Fear. Not sadness, not anger. Fear. What a strange feeling to feel in that situation. I guess I wasn't surprised. Everything was strange about Asher and I.
He attempted to grab my hand again and pulled me tightly to his chest where his strongly built chest muscles flexed nervously. My body seemed to fit naturally against the invisible indentation I had made throughout the summer. The way my head rested directly on his chest, and one arm wrapped around his waist, the other ride beside my head so I could feel the steady beat of his heart. Natural as breathing,
"Not ever," I sobbed. But the only difference between my sob and somebody else’s was that my eyes remained dry.
It was one of the strangest things about my relationship with him. Crying was impossible. Surely there was something wrong with me; I just had never taken the time to get it checked out. My body didn’t make tears anymore, or ever since Asher arrived. It wasn’t just the tears that went away, but I couldn’t sweat either. Sometimes my mouth would go dry. Sometimes I couldn’t swallow or blink. It was strange…Asher and I. We were strange together.
So now instead of feeling hot tears roll down my cheeks, I only felt the sharp painful stabs of breath and an uneven heartbeat.
"I aint see no tears."
"You know...I can't...cry around y-you," I managed to say but it hurt to do so. God it hurt so bad.
Asher stared at my blotchy face silently. His face showed no emotion. "Because," he said simply, "I aint ever make you sad."
"You are making me very sad right now," I accused him and pulled away so that I could rub at my burning, dry eyes.
He smiled smugly and stepped back. It was as such times when I really didn't understand him. He looked so happy that I couldn't cry. How was he smiling right now? Even worse, smiling at my pain? If it were different circumstances, I would have stomped away angrily. But if I did that now, he wouldn't be here for my return.
Asher was leaving. Oh God, he really truly was leaving me.
"Don't fall in love, 'kay? Not with no-one but me."
I nodded numbly. Love, what was it even?
"Can't tell you why, wish I could though. But can't." He swept his secretive eyes over my sorry state and again, smiled. His pink, full lips stretched out over his teeth and I sensed joy instead of remorse.
"I'll be back next summer, so wait for me, 'kay? I'll explain everything."
An explanation this summer would have been nice; I wasn't patient enough to wait for another whole year. But wasn't that how it always went? I would tell him everything about me – my fears, my weaknesses, my secrets. In return, he would stay silent. Just as much of a secret as he had been three months ago when I first met him.
"And if I do fall in love?"
Asher quickly turned his glaring eyes on me. They were frantic at my words, wild and scared too. "Promise you won’t?"
I tried to swallow the pain and be brave. But the pain was crippling me. "Of course not," I sputtered out of my trembling lips. "Impossible. I promise."
His eyes went back to being glassy and bold as soon as he was reassured." Good. Well that's all I got to say." Asher kissed my frozen lips one last time. "I love you," he added in a tone of obligation, as if every day we spent together, meant nothing.
As if he didn't really love me.
"I love you back," I whispered, fighting against hyperventilation.
The pain was crushing hard against my chest. Not the normal sorrowful, depressing pain though. This was something else. I knew that it would never go away until I saw him again. Asher, he wasn't normal. Hell, neither was I anymore.
When he was gone out of sight, the first tears in three months ran heavily down my cheeks. It was an unfamiliar feeling to have the wet salty stream splatter onto my shirt. I lifted a finger, just to make sure they were real. When I felt them, I looked into the drop on my finger, and I knew right then that Asher was really gone.
Everyone would wonder where he went. They would ask me questions; questions that I wouldn't be able to answer. They would think that I was just avoiding them again, staying away and isolating myself from any kind of socialization like I had been doing all summer. That is how Asher had wanted it though. He wanted me to himself, and I had let him.
My legs began to shake and crumbled to the sand beneath me. I lay back so that I could stare up at the dull sky. Never in my life had I felt so empty. I knew what others didn't. Asher wasn't just a boy. What I didn't know, however, was what he actually was. Why did I feel like every day when I first opened my eyes I needed to see him or hear his voice? At what point over the summer had I sunk to a pathetic low of needing anybody other than myself?
People would ask me how I had fallen in love so quick. They would demand to know why I let him take over my life, considering I was well known for the fact that nobody was in charge of who I was other than myself.
So then I'd have to explain to them how little I knew about a boy that I had spent every single night and day with for the last 3 months. All I knew were little things, like what his favorite color was, and that he didn't like paint when it was crumbling. I didn’t know whom his family was or if he had a family even. I didn’t know from what part of the world he was from or why he spoke so differently. Asher didn’t want me to know any of that so I didn’t. How pathetic, people would think. And maybe I agreed.
But how do you explain what it was, how it felt to be in love with somebody, when it had been so...
Different?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Good show. While the beginning seemed a little repetitive, I really began to...feel something for the characters. I kept reading because I liked them, more so than anything. I wanted to know about the odd Asher and Regan, now ruled by her emotions more than ever before. I'm normally not a big fan of romance, but this definitely drew me in. There are a few suggestions I could offer, though.
a) Be wary of repetition, when it comes to words to actions.
b) When using contractions, remember apostrophes.
c) Any number below 100 is written out. One, two, three, etc.
d) Try and use more description. Set the seen. Set the world. Don't make me feel blind. If possible, get all my five senses going. The only thing really memorable was the action of her brushing sand off her legs, which made me think of doing the same and how it felt.
e) Avoid cliches when using description for people. Also, try and make their personality shine through, even when describing their looks, if that makes any sense.
I think that's about it. Hope to see more if it continues, and continues to build and improve and, of course, stay intriguing.
-Cas
Wow. I really enjoyed this. From the moment I started reading, I wanted to know more about Regan and her life. I could hear Regan's voice in your writing. Your descriptions are clear and precise and your word choices are, frankly, quite good. The only problems I had with this prologue as a whole was her boyfriend. I really didn't understand anything about him, besides that she had this unusual and immense love for him. I wished that they would have spent more time talking and that Regan would have explained their origin better. Also, I was not a fan of his speech. It didn't make sense and it confused me as a reader. I just didn't know what to think of him. He also did not seem like he should be in a relationship with this girl at all.
Overall, this is a very promising start and I cannot wait to read more. Happy Writing.
Well it is a very good prolouge, I will tell you that. Sorry it has taken so long to review, but I am here now. I skimmed over some of the reviews already posted so I am sorry if I repeat anything.
There are some good and bad to this prolouge. Most of the bad is just my personal prefrances as to how things flow in my eyes. The imagery is definatly there, I can picture everything you describe, until they start talking, but I will get to that later. The other really good thing is the way you show contemplation at the end of the prologue, it helps it end on the right note. Here is for the review portion.
1. As it says above, I can picture everything you wrote until the two start talking. It doesn't seem like you described how each character looks, and in a story where you define everything else, it doesn't seem like you would leave that up to the reader. I loose the scene of the beach when you create dialogue, and that is beacause I am so busy trying to create the image of the couple in my head. You don't want the reader to loose the scene you have been working so hard to create.
2. While Asher's speech is unique considering his lack of proper grammar, I personally don't like it. And not just because I dislike improper english, but because for me it doesn't fit the personality you described. Asher seems to be shy and recluse, but somehow determined in his mind set that he is right. Maybe you address the subject a few chapters into the book, but for now it just leads me somewhat frustrated.
3. There are certain aspects of your character that make it hard to believe they are real, or even a couple. I can see you tried explaining it, but frankly the coolness Asher has towards Regan is was makes it hard to not a see a strain in the relationship. It would be more believable if he was cold when other people were around, but he was someone else around her. I can't believe that the long distance relationship you are about to create is going to work, because the relationship you just described doesn't seem to be working either.
Overall it is a good piece. I wouldn't change everything, but it needs some work. I hope I was of help to you.
Hello there
Wow.. I liked this one a lot.
You created a great mood there, if you ask me.. The thing with his fear of water, missing tears and sweat, dry throat.. It all just somehow fits together, I can't quite catch what's it about, and that, my friend, is a great hook.
I was really pulled in by the feelings you described.. You made me compassionate and I wonder what it will turn out to be.. You made me want her to see him again, both so she'd feel better again and so the mystery would be solved.
There's only one thing I would change, really.. But it's up to you. You don't have to write "Regan's POV:" at the beginning. Since you write in first person, and you seem to know how to make the characters be different enough, perhaps you don't need that at all.. But if you do feel like needing to state who's POV it is, I think it's enough just to put "Regan", just the name of the character. Because, you see, this way it kind of seems to me as if it's a chapter you've written and labeled it "Regan's POV" so you know where to put it later. With just her name, it would only give the readers the knowledge of who's talking - we don't need to read it's her POV, we know that from what we read
So, you have me - or they have me, as I wish to find out more about Regan and Asher - so I'm heading up to the next parts ! ^_^
Kind regards and keep writing,
Aria
Hey there Pahoem,
Here as requested. I apologize for the wait. I had family gatherings for the holidays. I will also apologize now if I repeat anything the other reviewers have already pointed out. They got kind of indepth, and I skimmed through the other reviews.
First, I like the mystery you create here with Asher. It's a great hook.
I will be crazy nitpicky because you've gotten such great reviews. Some of this will be opinion, so take or leave any of what I say.
This question is too vague. You mean could she go home without him when it gets dark if he doesn't show up, but that's not what it says. It causes a smidge of confusion.
Add an ask here, I believe.
I like the no tears thing. It makes things interesting.
So, I know this review isn't very long, but hopefully I helped you out a bit.
Any questions, feel free to post on my wall or pm me. I'll be getting to your other chapters shortly.
Megsug
dude nice job
keep it up
adelina
Thanks!!
Hello
I often find that reading chapters of novels on this website can be very boring, but I think that yours is a novel that I would like to follow. One of my first impressions upon reading this, however, is that this may serve as a better prologue than a first chapter. I have not read the second chapter yet, so I may change my mind as I keep reading.
As people had said before me, you took an event which has been written about several times before, and you made it your own. Your description of setting and of your protagonists emotions were very vivid, and I applaud you for both of those things.
Since you mention that the protagonist is Asher's (you used great names here, by the way) significant other, I think it's very redundant to say later on that she has gotten used to his poor English. I would take that out, or reword that perhaps.
My next criticism is pure opinion, but I think that the ellipses between the repeated "because" is a little juvenile and unauthentic. I know that you're writing this in a very stream-of-consciousness style, but it's just not needed.
Rubric did a great job doing the nit-picking of your grammar and usage, so there's no need for me to repeat what he did. I really liked it, and I look forward to reading the rest. Keep up the great work!
-Alex
Hello! I am really glad to hear you are thinking about following this story. Like I try to address everybody who starts reading it, I can promise you it is not a typical teen romance. This story is different then anything I have ever written, it just takes a few chapters to get into.
You are right. The first chapter would be a much better prologue and I should have caught onto that a long time ago! so thank you! Also I will go back and look at all the "because." sometimes I get to writing and don't think about when I'm repeating myself
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time. I do encourage for you to try and give the other chapter (s) a go, but if not, of course I understand. I appreciate the comment a lot, everything helps!
Dear Pahoem,
I'm Rubric and I'll begin with the general before moving to the specific.
I enjoy the piece. It begins in the middle of things, in this case the bottoming out of a relationship with an intriguing backstory. You provide solid characterisation and pay keen attention to breathing life into the flawed relationship that is the subject of this part, even though it seems to be coming apart.
In terms of setting, the reader gets a glimpse of the beach and the outline of the city, but little enough of the more general location. This can wait though, you don't need to lay your setting out on a platter in the first section.
Most of my criticisms have to do with sentence structure, and I think that you might benefit from a focus on shorter sentences. They can add poignancy and rythm where appropriate.
"I sat there"
Where?
"I couldn't think; my mind was"
The second phrase is essentially restating the first. If you shifted it to "my mind felt like" it goes from a metaphor to a simile but the sentence as a whole becomes an objective statement followed by a subjective one; which seems to me a good justification for a semicolon.
"over exaggerated sigh"
This is kind of a tautology. "over-exaggerated" means basically the same thing as "exaggerated" because if it's exaggerated it's already over the top.
"close to pain now"
painful* because the pain is a facet of, rather than replacing, the buzzing.
"me as it grew darker"
The fear or the beach? It's unclear. Maybe both? A clean up of your phrasing (perhaps an extra sentence) would clarify this.
"Along with the dimming light in the sky, my hopes dimmed right along with it. "
Great imagery. "My hopes dimmed along wth the light in the sky." would stop you repeating yourself.
"Soft, barely, audible footsteps"
The role of the commas here is to surround the phrase that could be taken out o the sentence without rendering it grammatically incorrect. Thus "Soft, barely audible, footsteps".
"blood rushed fast"
rushed quickly*
"dried sand off of my legs"
As a matter of personal taste "from" usually reads better than "off of" to my mind.
"speeding heart, from falling right out"
You don't need this comma as it's right in the middle of a phrase.
"But even the bitterness I was trying to use, failed. "
As above.
"But, for some reason, I stared at him with my mouth gaping open like I didn't understand at all. To be quite honest, I didn't understand."
This is a good idea, contrasting her linguistic grasp with her inability to accept the reality of his words, but it seems a little forced. Maybe it should only have the one sentence; your reader will pick it up.
"darkened-If that were even possible"
I'm not sure about this kind of aside. On the one hand it's an interesting narrative quirk that adds to Regan's characterisation. On the other, it seems a little unprofessional.
"shake from under me"
Unless they're shaking loose you don't need "from".
"reach."You can't"
Check the spacing.
"but that time"
"And" as you'd expect him to catch it if she lets him.
"invisible indention"
indentation*
"Natural as breathing is what it felt like when we were in this position."
Another great line in need of a little sharpening. You could get away with "Natural as breathing." And it would be incredibly potent. However, if you feel the need to flesh it out, try "It felt as natural as breathing when we were in this position." nd it saves you a phrase.
"But, the only"
The comma is unneccessary.
"I couldn't cry whatsoever. It was impossible."
These sentences are labouring the point. It gets across clearly enough and the audience likes to deduce these things rather than having them given to them.
"It was so frustrating, and even painful."
It was frustrating, and painful.
"an unnatural heartbeat."
"uneven" is less ambiguous ang gets your idea across, whereas "unnatural" can give all kind of weird implications.
"I accused and pulled away from him"
Throw the "him" back to after "accused" as the accusation needs a subject but the pulling doesn't.
"It was times like those"
"It was at such times" as a stylistic alternative.
"Not with no one but me."
Excellent double negative, and poor grammer to boot: I see you enjoy Asher's speech. It's good fun, but maybe hyphenate "no-one?"
"the state that I was in"
This sounds clunky, as we haven't had this summarised immediately prior to such a reference. "My sorry state" would be an alternative.
"An explanation would have been nice this summer"
"An explanation this summer would have been nice" Possibly even italicise "this" as it's the word on which the emphasis should fall.
"for a whole another year"
"for another whole year" or "for an additional year" "a" and "another" like that is repetition.
"he added in an obligated tone. Almost as if it were a drag for him to have to say that."
"he added in a tone of obligation." I don't think you need the second phrase. "drag" in particular seems a odd word to use.
"fighting against hyperventilating"
This is an odd one. "fighting against hyperventilation" reads better to me as she's more clearly trying to maintain her composure.
"Not the normal, sorrow depressing pain."
Is the sorrow being depressed by the pain or adding to it? Either: "Not the normal, sorrow-depressing pain." Or "Not the normal sorrowful, depressing pain."
"Hell neither was I anymore."
You need a comma after the exclamation of "Hell,"
"Everybody"
"Everyone"* always reads better, as we're dealingwith people, not their bodies.
I hope this was helpful. If you would like further input from me, which I am generally more than happy to provide, you can find my by PM, my wall, or my thread on Will Review For Food:
viewtopic.php?f=188&t=94583
Thank you for your time, attention, and artistry,
Rubric.
WOW!! What an awesome and WELL NEEDED review. It really means a lot that you took so much time to help with this chapter. I went back and changed everything and did a little more edit myself. I've been on this story for so long that I realize I wrote this first chapter a couple years ago so it was missing a lot. Thankyou times a million I really, really appreciate the time.
Hey there!
Ok first off I enjoyed this story. It's like the long distance relationship between a guy and a girl. It's cliche but it's good. I like the beginning, when the girl was just sitting there, out by herself waiting for Asher to come. It's like she was contemplating, or just lost in her thoughts.
Then comes Asher, and then he breaks the news to her all at once. Asher strikes me as a guy who doesn't really talk much, and sometimes he gets awkward around people. He uses short simple sentences. The bad english part was unique.
The main character on the other hand was the more emotional one, as most girls are. She was the one who broke down, and couldn't bear to let go, and as usual confusion started to come in.
These are the points I like about this story, the character, how each of them have their own unique self that sets them apart from each other. What I didn't really like was that nor the main character nor Asher was described. What were their physical appearances? If Asher's English wasn't that good, was he a foreigner?
Overall a good read, I liked the ending, it was emotional.
Cheers,Lycando!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read & comment! This chapter does sound cliche and like any other teenage novel, I will admit, but really it is not. The reason there is no real description of Asher or Regan is mainly because this was simply like a glimpse of the past. Chapter two is when you learn more about everybody and all of that. Thanks again for reviewing, I really appreciate it!!