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Young Writers Society



Looking in

by WritingWolf


I've been thinking about writing a story for some time, but I want to know the characters better first. So I wrote this poem about one of them. Please enjoy...

Standing here looking in, I feel my sorrow coming close.
To watch them laugh, to see them smile,
I wish I were one of them.
I simply stand, looking in.

Never moving, never swaying.
Thinking only if, only if I were with them.
Yet never trying to be with them.
As I stand I start to weep.

And then begin to think,
Why wont I go to them?
To join in there friendship?
I'm scared, and I'm week.

But thats where you found me.
To bring me in that worm room,
And show me loving tenderness.
I now cry again, but for another reason.

You took my hand, and lead me here,
Instead of passing by.
Now I lay down to sleep,
With you so close by.

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1176 Reviews

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Sat Dec 15, 2012 6:47 pm
Twit wrote a review...



Hi! I'm sorry this has taken so long to get to. Life, uni, and everything, you know.

The tightness of the stanzas makes me feel like this poem could do with a good rhythm and ABCB rhyme scheme, or at least some kind of structure to hold this together more concisely.

Some spelling mistakes here:

To join in there friendship?
I'm scared, and I'm week.

Should be "their" and "weak".

Overall, I thought this was a little weak. It could be just my personal preference, but I do like imagery, and poetry can really showcase the flexibility of language, and it's a shame not to do so. So the words felt rather plain and bald, and I would have liked to have seen the emotions dressed up a little more to create a greater impact. As it is, it's very bare, so the meaning doesn't come across very forcefully. It's all narration, very prose-like.

So my advice is to dress it up more and make it into something more complex, with layers and more to it than just narrative. I hope that makes sense. PM or Wall me if I was unclear, or if you have any questions!

-twit




WritingWolf says...


Thanks! I'll try to remember that for my next poem!



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Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:02 am
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Raelyn723 wrote a review...



I liked this. The beat was a little off and there were some spelling mistakes (lead should be led, week should be weak, and worm (I think) should be warm) but other than that it was a very nice poem that conveyed the emotions of the character very well. If this was just an excercise to get to know the character then I think you did very well :) I hope it helped you to write your story! Good luck and keep writing!




WritingWolf says...


Thank you!!!



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Sun Oct 14, 2012 10:51 pm
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WritingWolf says...



Is it just my computer, or why isn't it separating the stanzas? Please tell me if there separated on you computer; and if you know, then how to fix it as well.




WritingWolf says...


I fixed it.




Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain