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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello!
Well, I'm not a poet myself, but this one caught my eye, so I figured I might as well tell you a word or two.
I find it very interesting that you separated your lines this way - you watched to make it flow nicely, in a rhythm I like, not putting it in real rhymes (though some words do rhyme). By making that last line stand by itself, you practically made me hear that shout - or, well, feel it.
Nothing too much to say, but the repetition of the word "behind" kind of poked me in the eye. Also the rhyme "be-be".. I'm not sure. It's not that it doesn't work, I can read this part and it flows as nicely as the rest of the poem, but I feel like it could have been done somewhat better.
This one is my favourite part, although I like the beginning as well. You framed the whole poem nicely, in my opinion, and I still like the way you use rhymes. The ending seems to me at the same time optimistic and somehow sad, or maybe nostalgic.. I don't know if that was what you were going for, but you did it anyway, and I believe you did it good.
Well, not much more to say - all in all, very nice piece that I enjoyed reading, at the same time light and dark. I liked the way you played with rhymes and words, and the overall feeling that the poem gave me. Nicely done!
Kind regards,
Aria~
This is very cool. I love some of the little things you did with this, it made the words feel like they had movement, if you know what I mean. Like the lines "to the moon, big and blue,/
true and wooed I am". It feels almost like a loop, very cool use of the sounds of words. One thing I might consider revising is "tragedy, misery, dismay-be / the worst of the worst,". I don't know if you need the "be" there, it sort of caught me up, and made these lines difficult to figure out exactly what you meant to say. It almost began sounding like "dis may be" as in a silly way of saying "this may be", which might be what you were going for, a kind of play on the sounds of words, but it sort of threw me off. At least, that's my opinion.
Otherwise, really awesome poem. You're really talented with words; you seem to be able to use them effortlessly and beautifully.