Young Writers Society

So, I find the poem interesting. It is a mix of varied ideas all pulled together by a common thread (I imagine this as a bunch of porcelain figures hanging from the ceiling by red yarn, do with that what you will). Basically, that's my weird way of saying I've enjoyed myself. However, I've noticed a few spots of confusion or problems, which I'm unsure if anyone else covered, but I'm going with my gut and pointing out what I notice.

First of all, there's these three lines.

"Which lass would have known that you would,
tear me apart sending the spring flowers
into doom and pain, just like you did to me?"

I get a basic feeling of sadness, of betrayal, but the lines don't make much sense. I think it might be a punctuation and word choice thing. If I were to edit it, I'd edit it as so.

"What lass would have known you would
tear me apart,
sending spring flowers into doom and pain
just like you did me?"

But do with that as you will. Simple suggestion.

Then I noticed a simple typo. "[....]who was dim-witted and [fell] into your unknown trap."

"But you joined me just to find my spirit
traumatized, devastated and pale."

I get what you're saying, but I feel like there's a problem in tense here.

"[...]and I who had no intention of your bad deeds[...]"

I don't think intention is the correct word. It seems jarring, out of place. It doesn't suit the context.

Lastly, I'm going to drool again and say how I love how this poem, this poem who fit the mindset of a broken person, began and ended. It's great at showing how the character has gone through this cycle before, asking, "Why?"

Also, I could legitimately write a poem based off this poem (and seriously want to), so you get a golden star. -hands over golden star-

DUDE. JUST. WOOOOOW.
If this is shit, then what is mine?
Awesome

Hey Cooks 567ajt here, to review something! *shock horror*

Let's not mess around, and get straight into it:

"The morning birds chirped.
The sun has turned cold,
you bit into me like ice
and even the Sweet April will never
forgive for what you've done."

Nice symbolism, there. I really enjoyed the contrast between birds and the sun being cold. It is really haunting, to think of it. You? Writing something that haunts me? Wow. This is so strange! I would never expect you to make me creeped out. Even your title is really creepy and claustrophobic. Good job on starting.

"I was a girl, who quietly ran under the bright rays.
With you, my heart decided to go off all limits
Which lass would have known that you would,
tear me apart sending the spring flowers
into doom and pain, just like you did to me?"

Yikes, the narrator is *really* hard on herself! And, she is really hateful too. I sense a Gothic vibe.

"The disco lights would shine our affection
and I would dance to your “Oh so romantic” moves.
You stored me with your gentle smiles
that you treated me like a ridiculous mouse,
who was dim-witted and felt into your unknown trap."

Mmmmmm............meh. I dunno about this stanza to be honest. Seems a bit......I dunno.

"If I had only known you were a Heart-Breaker…"

Compared to the rest of the poem, this seems out of place because it is a bit cheesy and cliched and overused and blah blah blah. In short, this needs to be more symbolic!

"The colours which once formed my heart.
Those mesmerising moments of life.
Magical, bright and jolly our days were.
But you joined me just to find my spirit
traumatized, devastated and pale."

Now we return to the awesomly written language you have used, but were absent in the last two stanzas. I love it when writers write "pale"; it just seems to right! It is a good word for using to describe a dark atmosphere. The narrator was used, and she is angry.

"Why was it that you picked me?
That you did such a crime;
and I who had no intention of your bad deeds,
making me to never trust,
and leading me to a pose I couldn’t break."

Nice, nice. I really enjoyed this part.

"You’ve filled me with smoke..."

Uhhhhh how?

"The morning birds chirped,
the sun has turned cold,
you bit into me like ice
and even the Sweet April will never
forgive for what you've done."

Repetition! YAY!!!

That was amazing. It gets the point across, while keeping the reader intrested with a mystery, and by the time the mystery is solved, the reader is hooked and can't get out! I think everything was great. I could spot almost nothing wrong with it.