Young Writers Society

I like this poem and how understated it is. When you really get into it, you spread out the line and that makes a really beautiful effect with the visual side of things along with the eye movement. The thing I think you could really improve on this is the title. I don't really understand LDR, but it also has a two, so I might need to search your other poems to get the reference. As it is, I really wish I knew that one defining thing about the poem for nailing down my guesstimate about it.

I don't understand why it has to be a blind man's cane that the spider is crawling up. A spider could crawl up a person's leg and they might never notice it unless it was big enough. It's happened DX. There's also the arms, or up hair. There are a lot of freaky places for spiders to crawl. I think you should take advantage of the metaphor and really abuse people's fear of spiders. However, that's not balancing on the tightrope of conversational humility is it? I suppose a guy not knowing there's a spider there that could hurt him and being unable to see it is kind of the point XD.

Overall, I like the lack of caps in this poem, but I almost feel like it could do without punctuation too. It would be another invisible line that is being walked across.

I have to disagree with Zeph- the short lines are what make this poem remarkable.

Hello Audy,

This was great poem and a cool idea, a great metaphor. One thing I might do to improve it is to break it up into stanzas. Maybe this is part of the style, but I think that would make it easier to read and focus on the details so that you can take away more from this poem. Another thing I might fix would be in this part:

"that trickles
by
gratingly
slow,
painfully so."

You might want to change "slow" to "slowly" in order to maintain the pattern that you started, though I am really nitpicking here. Cool poem, and great work!

Zeph