Wisdomatch - Chapter One

by kazhy419

Published August 26, 2012

In Wisdomatch

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CHAPTER ONE

            I have done this before—many times before, in fact—but I have never been more nervous.

            My eyes dart around the dark as I urge the maddening beat of my heart to stop distracting me from not making any plank on the gleaming floor creak. I go up the stairs, my hand gliding on the smooth banister.

            I get the urge to stop breathing altogether as I tiptoe my way past the homeowner’s tall bedroom door. Then, quiet as snow landing on the ground, I turn the knob of the door to the room at the end of the hall. The room that holds what I need—what my family needs.

            The black diamond sits on a case in the middle of the room like a king does on his throne. Moonlight streaming in through the tall windows should be making the diamond glow as it bounces on it, but instead, it traps the light in and radiates darkness, like it holds all the evil in the world. But it doesn’t hold evil, of course.

            It holds wealth.

            I nod to Vic, my best friend and partner in crime, his eyes gleaming with awe and excitement.  It’s time. Later than we've planned, actually; it took us longer than expected to get past the guards. Good thing the men were all big and muscled. Bulky. Bulky means slow. Slow means easy to put down.

            We didn't kill anyone, though. We are thieves, not murderers.

            Quite stupid of the homeowner, really, to station his oafs only on the first floor of his mansion. So he won't mind if we grab his diamond, right? Since he obviously values his privacy more.

            Peculiar warmth spreads on my palm as I pick up the diamond. It’s funny how something so small it could be mistaken for hard, burnt bread costs much more than a man’s life. A poor man’s life, perhaps, but still.

            I put the glinting loot in a small velvet bag which I tuck in a pocket inside my windbreaker, then stride to the window that Vic has eased open. With another nod to him, I jump out—no fear of breaking my legs from the height of the second storey—and land squarely on the trimmed grass of a lawn. Indeed, I'm used to this.

            Now our only problem is selling our newest catch before the owner realizes it’s been fished right from under his nose. Not doing so would be risky.

            We cannot be caught.

            A muffled thud behind me signals Vic’s landing and we dash straight to the ancient forest that starts at the end of the lawn. Armies of redwood trees that seem to be reaching for the sky stretch down one whole side of the hill. They had also provided the cover we needed to enter the estate which stands on the upland.

            Under the canopies of branches and leaves, we run. We’re not safe as long as we have the diamond. We run with mere moonlight as our guide until our legs ache—even when our legs ache, even when our lungs burn for air.

            Our way down is fast, following a narrow path that we cleared up days before the heist. I successfully avoid tripping on tangles of thick roots but Vic, on the other hand, loses his footing a few times, gasping before grunting as he uses his palm to push himself off the ground.

            I pull the black, woolen balaclava off my head. “You regretting the damage you did to your eyes reading?” I ask, chuckling.

            “I will never,” Vic answers once he’s taken off his own bonnet.

            Before I begin to fear that we won’t get there in time, I feel the soles of my black, leather boots touch flat ground. A few more strides and we turn left, still hidden in the trees.

            Vic catches up to my side. “If we’re late, we’ll bury it somewhere, okay?” We’re both huffing and puffing now, but we can’t afford to stop. Mere seconds hold our fate.

            Before I can respond, I catch glimpses of the gray, weathered cement walls of the Exchange that sits, to our convenience, right beside the forest. The blood red eastern sky signals the coming dawn, when the Exchange will open its doors to everyone and turn to a real market.

            I slow down to a jog as we approach the side door that Vic pulls open. The stink of raw fish, old meat and almost-rotting vegetables attack my nose even if at the moment, those aren’t for sale at the Exchange. Ale, cigars, and even packets of pleasure herbs; vices fill the tumbledown warehouse at night, the only time they can be sold. Some of them are supposed to be illegal always but, like everyone else, the Bluecoats go home and quit their job at night. That’s good; it’s only at night that Vic and I can work our job.

            Because of the time, only a few night customers are still around. Those who don’t look like they have the coin to spend are actually Runners, paid by the Wealthy Westerners to buy their goods for them. You might think it’s a risky job, but it’s not. The Bluecoats know to avoid these people when they see them running uphill in the west at the break of dawn, because if they don’t do so, they risk losing their job.

            Vic leads the way to the only jeweler in town—very few people here in the North Borough have the need and means for such luxury.

            I stoop down and whisper to the sagging old man, “We got it.”

            “I’d say I’m awed, but it’s not like I didn’t expect you kids to do the job.” He laughs, making his jowls bounce up and down.

            Vic runs his hand through his blond hair, tousling it. “How much?” he asks the jeweler.

            Tsk. “We give the price, Victor, not him,” I hiss before facing the jeweler. “Seven thousand coins, Lark.”

            “Feisty as always, Astrid,” Lark says. “But as I recall it, you have no choice but to give me the diamond, unless you want to be caught with it. And I tell you, Dud will be more than murderous when he finds out his babe’s missing.”

            “We had a deal, damn you.” I slam my hands on the table between us, messing up his carefully arranged products.

            “I don’t do deals, little girl. I do business. Three thousand,” he says.

            I stare the repulsive beast straight in the eye. “Five thousand or, I swear to all deities, I will gut you alive before Dud gets me.”

            His stern glare falters; creases form between his trimmed brows. At least he knows what desperation can make people do. “L-let’s meet halfway, shall we? I’m s-s-sure four thousand is sufficient...”

            “Trid?” Vic says, grabbing my shoulders and pulling me upright. “I think four’s fine.” His eyes urge me to calm down; our job’s not something you attract attention to, which, unfortunately, I’ve already called our way. I glare at everyone I catch watching until they look away and go on with their business before getting back to mine.

            “Four it is,” I heave. “Give it now before I change my mind.”

            Lark reaches under the rickety table and hands us two canvas bags each, the bronze coins inside tinkling against one another. “C-count it if y-y-you want.”

            “We’ll take your word for it,” I say, “but if you’re lying, I’ll take your tongue for it.” He nods. I unzip my windbreaker and draw out the cloth bag containing the diamond.

            He takes it with trembling hands and peers into it. “So the rumor’s true. Dud got his hands on a real black diamond. Turned dark by the fiery breath of a dragon,” he murmurs.

            I snort. Grandpa told me the same story just a few days ago when word got around saying Dud bought the jewel from the South Borough. “Aren’t you old for folklore, Lark? Or are you too old that your mind’s already reeling back to infancy? Not that I care. Just get rid of that thing soon.”

            Even with our windbreakers off, the first rays of the sun drench our already dripping black shirts as we walk through town, past the shops that are getting ready to open for another day of business.

            “Take this,” Vic says, handing me one of his coin bags.

            More than haggling for how much we earn, I hate haggling over how we divide what we earn. “Forget it,” I say.

            “I don’t go home to a sick person,” he says, raising a thin eyebrow.

            This is one of the few arguments that he always wins. “Fine, even if I won’t be able to live with myself anymore.”

            “Drama, Trid, really? Lose the guilt.” He ruffles my short, black hair and just laughs when I grab his arm and pretend to bite it.

            I watch Vic as he follows the wafting scent of freshly-baked bread, thinking he’s again acting like my older brother, albeit a weak, sometimes bordering on craven, one. Vic’s been like that since the first time we met, which was ten years ago.

            Growing up, I preferred to stay inside the house than play with the neighbors’ kids, so I didn’t know anyone on my first day of school. I attempted, though feebly, to make friends but finally learned that no matter how hard you try, you won’t get close to people unless they want you close. I walked around, clutching the hem of the stupid, frilly dress that Grandpa had bought for me, until I tripped and stumbled to the ground, earning myself heaps of scorning laughter.

            That’s when Vic appeared in front of me, with messy hair and the sun right behind him, making his gangly figure shine. I took the slippery hand he offered and, well, we’ve been inseparable since.

            We traipse our way home, devouring custard-filled croissants, until we get to the square and see a crowd gathered by the announcement board.

            “Do you think it’s about the—” Vic starts to ask, bringing his brows together and frantic blue eyes darting around.

            I clamp a hand to his mouth and say, “It’s too soon.”

            We have to be calm, but I surely am not. What if Lark got caught with the diamond? What if he ratted on us?

            “Let’s check it out,” I say.

            We put on our windbreakers, hide the money bags inside and zip them up to our chins before squeezing through the packed bodies. The announcement is painted in capital letters to emphasize its importance.

ENLISTMENT FOR THE WISDOMATCH BEGINS TODAY.

Comments & reviews · 7
User avatar
megsug
Review
megsug wrote a review Review · Mar 9, 2013

Hey Kazhy! I am so sorry for the really long wait for this review. I have no excuse that could be could enough.

I just skimmed through the other reviews, so chances are, I'll probably repeat something. I'm sorry if I do.

I don't really have any complaints for the theft except to note that it's a bit strange that the diamond is sitting in the middle of an unlocked room, not in a safe or anything.

Also, I realize that you meant for people to think that Astrid is alone, but I'm not sure why. It doesn't add anything but confusion when Vic pops onto the scene.

However, I have a couple issues with the haggling scene.
First: these kids just stole a diamond... and they're haggling the price on someone's front porch?! There's no way that's how things would really go down.
Second: If it's so early or late, it's a little hard to tell, why are there people milling around the street? It doesn't sound like this is the part of town to be hanging out at.

The rest was pretty good. I love your characters. I feel like I want them to succeed. The description as well was marvelous.
I'm sorry for the fairly wimpy review. The others seemed to have covered most everything else and you were pretty golden before.
I'll get the next chapter soon.
Megsug

EnchantedPanda wrote a review Review · Feb 21, 2013

Hello Kazhy419,

Panda here to review as requested!

Oooh this is interesting! Its ages since if read or reviewed anything like this and it’s exciting to read something so unique and interesting. I loved the insight into the protagonist’s thoughts. You’ve got a really neat contrast between the way the narrator presents their self to everyone else and what they are really thinking inside their head. It’s clever the way you’ve taken their thoughts and broken them up with their dialogue, gestures and expressions to help emphasise this contrast and it’s particularly interesting to read.

You’ve got the perfect amount of nervous tension when they’re stealing the diamond, you can tell that the thieves are experienced but also nervous in anticipation of stealing such a prized item. It gives the reader the impression that the owner is lethal and will got to all sorts of measures to protect his diamond and won’t be hesitant to brutally punish anyone who tries to steal it. We haven’t even met the owner of the diamond yet and I can already tell that he is very protective and easily aggravated. Also, given that he owns a diamond it shows that he is very powerful and his success probably stems from these nasty qualities.

It holds wealth.


I really loved the idea of the diamond being symbolic of wealth and because they’re stealing it, it’s like they’re stealing wealth. It’s really interesting to see the use of hidden metaphors like this and it adds multiple layers of depth to your novel.

Then, quiet as snow landing on the ground


Hmm. You may want to rethink this metaphor. I mean sure, it’s original. But somehow it doesn’t make me think of this person as quiet or stealthy, probably because I’ve never associated snow landing on the ground as quiet, think of an avalanche for example, that’s snow landing on the ground. But is that quiet? Well… Not really.

Moonlight streaming in through the tall windows should be making the diamond glow as it bounces on it, but instead, it traps the light in and radiates darkness, like it holds all the evil in the world


The first part of this sentence is awkward, choppy even. You’re trying to cram to much in and it’s just too confusing to read, rejiggle each separate part and piece it back together so that it isn’t jumpy and makes more sense.

Before I can respond, I catch glimpses of the gray, weathered cement walls of the Exchange


I love the title you’ve come up with for the place where they sell the diamond. It’s nice that they have a name that they can use. But also, it’s a really good name. It’s completely fitting and very catchy, it tells the reader that the thieves have been there a lot because they have a name that they use to refer to the place.

ENLISTMENT FOR THE WISDOMATCH BEGINS TODAY.


I love this ending, it sounds so ominous and dramatic and really makes the reader want to continue to the next chapter. It’s a great cliffhanger. The only thing I would suggest would be putting it in bold or italics rather than capitals. Having something like this in capitals makes the reader flick straight to the end and then go back and read what they’ve met. It spoils the big lead up that you may have and makes it less exciting and less dramatic. Just a suggestion.

If I had any overall complaints it would be similar to what the other reviewers mentioned about not mentioning Vic earlier. I was totally convinced he was alone, a solo thief, and then you come in with all these details about his partner and how they’ve been inseparable for almost a decade etcetera, etcetera. If this Vic guy is so important then he should have already been mentioned. Don’t leave details like this to the last minute. Set the scene for us before we’ve already done it ourselves.

Overall I actually found this pretty good, I’m a blunt reviewer so this may have sounded a little harsh but believe me, I thought this was good. You’re obviously good at novel writing and this shows. I can’t wait to see how this story develops in chapter two, so that’s where I’m going right now, to read and review. I hope this review was helpful. I really enjoyed reading this, so make sure you keep writing.
From EnchantedPanda <3

User avatar
dogs
Review
dogs wrote a review Review · Feb 10, 2013

"I go up the stairs"

Come come now, someone with such wonderful and lovely description as you must be better at wording "i go up" in a more creative and slightly poetic way. Just be sure to use more exciting wording instead of the common and boring phrasing I read a lot.

"Like it holds all the evil in the world"

Again, I want more exciting descriptions. Give a little more description around "evil" maybe say the "vile and malicious sins lay festering in that diamond." Something along the lines of that.

"something so small could be mistaken for so hard"

I'm not sure what to make of this line. I understand the comparison you're trying to make but you're meaning is lost with the awkward wording you use.

"blood red eastern sky"

I think the terminology "blood red" is a little overused. Try crimson or scarlet, I like those two colors.

"they have the coin to spend"

This is quite awkwardly worded. Try just saying "money" keep it simple.

I like the dialogue between the girl and Lark. Comical and as always, we all love fiesty young ladies.

Oooooo I enjoyed this piece! Great topic for writing and you really didn't have much for me to complain about. You make my job as a YWS editor easier :). I think the only thing you're really missing is that you need to describe Vic and the girl in deeper detail. I have a general idea of what Vic looks like, but not much of any to what the girl looks like. All and all it just needs a few tiny polishing and it'll be great. Let me know if you ever need another review! Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review Review · Feb 8, 2013

Hey Kaz!

Here with the review that you did, in fact, request. (I'm blind sometimes, sorry for for the messed up order of the reviews.)

Since he obviously values his privacy more.
~ Heh. Sarcastic, underhanded comment. I like it. :D

it’s been fished out right from under his nose.
~ This read awkwardly.

want to be caught dead with it.

~~~

Wow.

You set up a very nice storyline, which you continue very nicely. I am interested with your story, and would like to read the third chapter once it's up.

Keep writing!

~Shady

User avatar
ikiru
Review
ikiru wrote a review Review · Feb 7, 2013

Hey! Iki here with your requested review! This story has a great start and the ending makes me want to read more.

Like Stella said, I thought she was alone at first, and then Vic appears. This could be very confusing to some people; you could add something about him earlier, following Astrid or something.

The black diamond sits on a case in the middle of the room like a king does on his throne. Moonlight streaming in through the tall windows should be making the diamond glow as it bounces on it, but instead, it traps the light in and radiates darkness, like it holds all the evil in the world. But it doesn’t hold evil, of course.

I love this paragraph! It is very descriptive. But when it says But instead, it traps the light in... I would reword that to: but instead, the diamond traps the moonlight in...

storey-- I usually see story, but as Artsy said, I think storey is the English spelling.

I stoop down and whisper to the sagging old man, “We got it.”
Is the jewler below where Astrid is standing? Otherwise, why would she stoop down?

Otherwise I like this piece! I'm going to go review your other request now!

I actually intended for readers to think that she was alone, that's why I didn't mention Vic XD

And Lark's seated on a chair when the two approach him, that's why Astrid has to stoop down.

Thanks so much for this review! :D

User avatar
StellaThomas
Review
StellaThomas wrote a review Review · Aug 27, 2012

Hey there Kaz, Stella here!

I nod to Vic, my best friend and partner in crime, his eyes gleaming with lust and excitement.


What annoyed me about this is that you haven't mentioned Vic yet, until now I was pretty sure your protagonist was alone. Try getting his mention in a little earlier.

I pull the black, woolen, eyeleted bonnet off my head.


...the balaclava?

“Feisty as always, Astrid,” Lark says. “But as I recall it, you have no choice but to give me the diamond, unless you want to be caught dead with it. And I tell you, Dud will be more than murderous when he finds out his baby’s missing.”


OMG YOU HAVE A PROTAG CALLED ASTRID OMG YOU ARE MY NEW BEST FRIEND WE WILL HAVE EXCELLENT ADVENTURES TOGETHER.

Uh. I also have a protagonist called Astrid :P except she's rather different so far.

Even after we’ve taken off our windbreakers, the first rays of the sun drench our already dripping black shirts as we walk through town, past the shops that are getting ready to open for another day of business.


The first half of this sentence makes absolutely no sense to me.

Okay so, overall, this was good. Your writing is lovely, it's light enough, your dialogue is natural and you've got excellent pace, so nice job! A lot of this reminded me of the opening of The Hunger Games- are you a fan? The two of them turning to crime for a living, the "Wisdommatch" proceedings beginning that day.

I felt like the chapter dragged a little towards the end. This might just be because I'm tired. But the information about them starting school and everything- it can wait. We don't need to know right now, it weighs down the chapter when really all you want is people reading on. The same goes for the haggling- I'm just not interested. I know they're going to settle on a price halfway, that's generally the result of haggling scenes. Remember that every element you've used here has been used before. So try and put your own stamp on it, and don't bore the reader with things that don't surprise them.

But honestly, I'm being very nitpicky. This was a very strong beginning, I'm very excited to meet another Astrid, and I'd love to read more!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

First point: Actually, I was really going for that "I thought she was alone" bit :))

Second point: OH GOD SO IT HAS A NAME. YOU ARE MY SAVIOR. I am terrible at naming anything related to clothing; for me, everything worn on the upper body is a shirt and everything below are pants XD

Third point: You also have an Astrid? I'd love to read her story!

Fourth point: How about "Even with our windbreakers off"...?

AND YES I'M A THG FAN. Those books are my fictional Bible. ...Okay, I may have exaggerated there. But yeah, I love them <3

Thanks for this review! :)

User avatar
artsy
Review
artsy wrote a review Review · Aug 27, 2012

Very interesting first chapter. I will admit, it was a little tough getting into it at the beginning, but once I got past the first few paragraphs, it was a lot easier to get involved in the story.

Heart and pulse racing against each other, I move quietly in the dark, wary of my every step, careful not to make any plank on the wooden floor creak. Up the stairs, past the study.

These lines aren't bad, but they could be better. The part Heart and pulse racing against each other, seem a little awkward the way it's written. I get the concept you're trying to get across, but consider rewording it to make it sound a little less clunky.

The room that holds what I need-what my family needs.

I think a dash(-) works better here than a period and a fragment. A lot of writers use that style of writing, but this might help the flow a bit. Not to mention that it's more grammatically correct.

It’s time. Later than we've planned, actually

Consider making this into one sentence.

storey
This just really depends on what kind of culture you want your story set in. In the sentence second storey, storey can be spelled two ways: storey or story. Storey is a common spelling in England, while story is common in America.

“You regretting the damage you did to your eyes reading?” I ask, chuckling despite my breathlessness.
“I will never,” Vic answers once he’s taken off his own bonnet.

I don't know why, but I thought this scene was cute.

“I’d laugh, but it’s not like I didn’t expect you kids to do the job.”

This seems a bit contradictory; I thought he would laugh because he wouldn't expect kids like them to do the job. I don't know if this was intentional or not, so you be the judge of that.

I stare the repulsive beast straight in the eye. “Five thousand or, I swear to all deities, I will gut you alive before Dud gets me.”
His stern glare falters; creases form between his trimmed brows. “L-let’s meet halfway, shall we? I’m s-s-sure four thousand is sufficient...”

I like this part. A lot of scenes in other stories that I've read show the other dealer not reacting to the first person's threat, which is the exact opposite in this case. It might just be my personal preference, but I like this scene a lot.

More than haggling for how much we earn, I hate haggling over how we divide what we earn. “Forget it,” I say.
“I don’t go home to a sick person,” he says, raising a thin eyebrow.

This shows the human side to Trid, since she came off as a fearless thief before. Be careful playing the thief because of a sick family member card though. Many have used it before, so make something unique/original of the situation. Make it your own; make it unforgettable.

ENLISTMENT FOR THE WISDOMATCH WILL BEGIN TODAY.

Well, now you've got me curious!

Overall, the story is well written. There are some spots where I felt you should've gone into a more descriptive style of writing, or I would've appreciated more details/background/etc. As for characters, what I've gotten of Vic is that he's a thief, but he's got a softer side. Trid is basically a BA that does it for her family. Not a big fan of the old man in the market, but it shows how in depth you can make a character if the reader already develops feelings for them! I'm curious about the world you created; tell me more about the environment, the governmental situation, the type of people living in the town, the economy it has, the social classes, etc. Introduce this information somewhere, sometime, but soon!

Keep writing! This piece has potential. When you post more work relating to this novel, send me a PM so I can read it!

artsy replied · Aug 27, 2012

Well, my quote boxes love to mess up on me, but I think you can figure out the somewhat, terrible format I somehow got myself into xD

Wow, I think yours is the most in-depth review I've ever received. Thanks so much!

I've finished chapter two a long time ago, actually, and even posted it on other sites, but at the moment, it's undergoing an overhaul. I'll let you know when it's done; I'll also edit this one according to some of the points you said :)



The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.