z

Young Writers Society



Summer of Savages

by Celtichick3900


Summer of Savages

“It’s weird man, is all I’m sain’” Tony said as he strolled behind me, trying to look as cool as his wiry frame could allow. He’d been spouting the same bull-crap to me for the last thirty minutes, ever since he heard me leaving the house this morning.

“Yeah, I know just shut up already!” I was getting sick of his crap. If he hated it so much then why the hell did he insist on coming along?

“No way dude, you’re being fucking weird. What if someone catches us?”

What a dumbass. Who gives a crap if they catch us, it’s the country. Everyone gets up early.

“Who gives a fuck, it’s not illegal.” I snap at him. It’s still dark out, but I can see a faint outline of face in the fading moonlight. He looks really sleepy. Dumb kid should’ve just stayed home. Instead he got up and pulled on his shoes and that goddamned cap. Tony had turned fourteen a month ago, and he was still wearing the goddamn baseball cap Dad gave him, even though the moron didn’t even play the fucking sport anymore. He quit after mom died. Stupid sentimental shit, all of it.

“Yeah, but everyone is going to think we’re fucking nuts.”

“No they aren’t, and even if they did, I don’t care, we’re in the country and I want to see a real sunrise, It’s impossible at home what with all the buildings and shi.t” He shuts up after that. He’s still sulking behind me and I figure he’s finally worn himself out. He always cares too much about what other people think, always trying to look cool and shit. Probably because he always has to tag around me, because I’m such a mother fucking mess.

Tony’s actually my little brother by almost two years, but he thinks it’s his job to guard me all the time. He’s almost five inches taller than me. He’s built completely forward and top heavy, like he was designed to bend over and carry. He was born a protector. I’m a born fuckup. I’ve always been a motherfucking mess; I was born an ugly mess with a hair lip. I was a fucking preemie on top of that. I figure it was mom’s fault. She was always so weak and tiny, now I’m weak and tiny.

I’m like five foot one, and I’ve got a face like someone smacked me with a frying pan. My eyes won’t stop watering; I’m too fucking scrawny and too dumb to breathe. Tony was the lucky one. He didn’t get any of mom’s screwed up genes. He was the god-sent kid; mommy’s shining knight, dad’s perfect son. I don’t hate him or anything. He’s a good kid. I just wish he’d live his own life instead of constantly trying to look after me. Whenever I try to do something, he always tries to tag along to protect me. Ever since mom died, he thinks he has to fucking baby me. It’s not like she ever did anything like that, not like she ever could.

We had gone almost a mile from the house, and we still had to cut across the fence to get to the tower. Tony was freaking out about breaking into the water tower, but it was still pretty dark, so I figure that no one going to see us.

“Yo, Dan, can we just stop here?”

“Shut it Tony, you don’t know what you’re saying. The sunrise will look like shit from down here. We got to get all the way up to the water tower.” Actually it would probably be fine from down here, but I had already decided to climb the water tower. I could picture it in my head; the beauty of the sunrise combined with the elation of doing something ever so slightly wrong would make the experience all the sweeter. Like tagging a building in the middle of the day or smoking during school. I’m probably just being a fucking moron again.

I always do this. I get some stupid idea into my head, and then it becomes like this feverish day dream that I can’t stop obsessing over. I know that if I didn’t see the sunrise from that water tower, I would regret it.

“Look, just come on, we just can hop over the fence, or you can just stay here. I don’t really care man”

“Fine Dan, I’ll stay down here, you can go up the tower alone, you’ve been a dick all morning anyway.”

This made me stop, I hadn’t actually meant for him to stay. I know I wanted him to, said I wanted him to. But now I really would feel like a dick. The motherfucker had no reason to back off now and leave me all alone up on that tower. The stupid son of a bitch was all I fucking had, and the goddamn fucker wasn’t going to fuck with me after I let him tag along all this time.

“Look you stupid bitch, stop being a pussy and let’s go, you came all this way so don’t fuck with me.”

Tony got some stupid smug look on his face, bastard.

“Jesus Christ man, you don’t have to yell, I’m coming. Jesus. I mean, I just don’t get the point of this Dan, I mean Jesus fuck, you’re crazy.”

“Shut you’re fucking mouth and give me a boost; the sun will be up in like fifteen minutes or some shit.”

I hated Tony always having to help me, bet I let him anyway. After I got over the fence, the dumb jock bastard hopped after me like it was nothing, and we start the climb up the ladder to the top. This was why I was a stupid motherfucker, I never think things through. The tower was like a hundred feet high. I was getting sick, and my hands were shaking like some kind of wuss.

“Dan, you alright man? I’m right behind you man, don’t worry, we’re almost to the top.” Stupid son of a bitch was trying to comfort me. Didn’t that moron know I was the older brother? And that idiot was trying to comfort me; he shouldn’t have to comfort me. I’m such a bag of shit. I open my mouth to scream at him, but my mouth is too dry. I look down and I see we’re only like 60 feet up. Not even to the top, but still far enough that I could fucking die. My hands are all sweaty, and I start to lose my grip.

“Easy Dan, I’ve got you. Come on, just keep going.” Tony was holding on to my shirt and pushing me up. I still couldn’t talk. My mouth was dry, probably from the heat. That’s why I was all sweaty, too. This is bullshit. Tony’s not fucking up like this. . He kept his hand on my back all the way to the top. It took a damn century to get up there because I had to go extra slow so the stupid bastard wouldn’t fall because he was climbing with one hand.

When we finally got up, I shut my eyes and just laid on the grated walkway around the water tower. I was all cold and sweaty, but I managed to keep my cool even though Tony kept freaking out and holding on to me.

“Holy Jesus, dude, you were right. Dan, dude check this shit out, it’s fucking beautiful.”

I grabbed on to the banister and pulled myself up.

“I’ll be a son of a bitch” I whistled under my breath. It was gorgeous. The sunrise was all soft pinks and golds and reds and oranges and it spread across the sky like some kind of heavenly bruise. All the little houses and farms looked like toys.

“Shit man, we can see everything from up here” I didn’t even reply, I was too captivated by the sun.

“This town really is gorgeous; Mom must have loved it here.”

That bastard.

I tore my eyes off the sunrise to haul off and give him a punch in the stomach. It completely missed, and I did a fucking pussy dance trying to keep my balance and not fall over the banister. My leg slipped on the morning dew, and if it hadn’t been for that fucker I probably would have ended up as a hundred and thirty pounds of red goo on the ground below.

“You stupid mother fucker, why the fuck did you have to mention her?”

“Jesus flying fuck, calm your shit man. Fucking hell, you ok Dan? I mean fucking Jesus, are you ok? Why the fuck did you do that?”

We were both shaking now, and the stupid bastard still had his hand all twisted up in my baggy t-shirt.

“Everything was great, and then you go and mention her. Jesus, just shut up about her, she never enjoyed anything. She was too weak, that’s why she’s gone. I don’t wanna talk about her. I’m not going to die like some kind of- of, I-I. Shit.”My stupid eyes always water, I’m not crying, I’m not a baby.

Tony grits his teeth and opens his mouth to shout at me, but then he gets this sort of sad look in his eye and sighs, all dramatically.

Suddenly I get this tight feeling all in my chest. I feel like I wish I hadn’t come up this fucking tower. I don’t want to be so high up. I deserve to be down below, where the pretty sun rises can’t find me or the other fucking rats. I couldn’t even climb this fucking thing. Tony can climb it, Tony’s a life saver, Tony’s a stupid sentimental bastard. He shouldn’t have to grab me. He shouldn’t have grabbed me. Tony shouldn’t be hugging me right now.

“Dan, you’re a stupid mother fucker” I put my arm around him too, just to steady myself. I don’t wanna hug him like some kind of sappy bastard.

“You too, you stupid shit."

He gets off of me, but leaves his arm around my scrawny shoulders, and we both sit there on the tower staring at the sunrise; Tony in his stupid baseball hat and pajamas, me in my sweaty, baggy t-shirt and jeans, two motherfuckers on the edge.

It really was a beautiful sunrise.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
2631 Reviews


Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

Donate
Tue Aug 21, 2012 11:15 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi! Here I am at last to review, apologies for the delay ^^

Specifics

1.

“No they aren’t, and even if they did, I don’t care, we’re in the country and I want to see a real sunrise, It’s impossible at home what with all the buildings and shi.t” He shuts up after that. He’s still sulking behind me and I figure he’s finally worn himself out.
Careful with your tenses! You were writing in past tense before this, but here you switch to present. That's awkward. Most of this seems to be in present so maybe you just weren't sure when writing the beginning and later decided to use present? Either way, you need to have a think and make sure it's all one or the other.

2. There's too much telling going on in the part where he describes himself and then rambles on about his family. It gets dull. I liked where you were going with the dialogue better and maybe throw some more description in of where they're walking. You keep saying it's the countryside but what does that mean? Are they walking through a field? Country lanes? Are there animals about or just the two of them?

3. You've got some really strong characters here and I love Dan's inward reasoning. Keep that up! Just make sure you give us plenty of description of what's happening outside his head as well. It's great that you've got this really strong voice going on, but don't let it take over the story.

Overall

Alright so I liked this but it didn't feel like it worked as a short story. You don't have enough conflict somehow, which may sound odd as you have a lot of great things, like the water tower and the relationship between the brothers. But it felt more like a segment from a novel than a work-alone piece. I almost feel that there's too much plot and not enough at the same time - there's a lot working under the surface, Dan's illness especially, but that doesn't seem to reach anywhere by the end. He's no closer to dealing with it or anything like that and it feels like this would fit a novel setting better, where you'd gradually work through changes in the brother's relationship and there'd be a plot outside of wanting to see a sunset.

I think that might be where I'm struggling with this. It's very well written and really vibrant, but it's just a sunset. However you elaborate it with terminal illness and the bond of brotherhood, it still feels like just a sunset and there's a bit of a feeling of disapointment by the end that it didn't turn out to be something more.

I've not much else to say so I'll leave you with these thoughts. The writing, style, use of voice etc. are all amazing, but I'm just not feeling there's enough plot to hold it all together and when you're writing short pieces a strong beginning, middle and end are essential. Best of luck!

Heather xxx




User avatar
317 Reviews


Points: 5120
Reviews: 317

Donate
Tue Aug 07, 2012 9:31 am
View Likes
mizz-iceberg wrote a review...



Heya Celtichick!

Having returned to YWS after many years, this is my first YWS review in years. I may be a little rusty, but lets get to it!

Just generally, I want to say that I really liked the story, liked the characters, and really appreciated the narrator's voice--it was quite realistic and sincere.

Editing:
This story badly needs some proofreading and formatting. All the paragraphs are bunched together. You need to create space between each paragraph. Also, there dialogue always starts in a new paragraph. Not spacing your writing properly makes it disorderly and hard to read. You can write the most profound things, but by not formatting and spacing it properly you're not doing your words justice. Please check where and how to punctuate dialogue as well as when to start a new paragraph. Also, hit enter twice when starting a new paragraph, specifically when posting your writing online--it's easier on the eyes.

Voice:
Loved it! Though I wasn't sure if I liked all the cursing and profanity, I understood why you did it. The character's voice was very strong and compelling, and it was the voice that urged me to read on. I do think you go overboard a little with the swearing sometimes, but at the same time I can understand that it might be a characteristic of the narrator.

I rather liked the characterization, the way the brothers interacted with each other, and the dialogue. There was a beauty and realism to it that I really appreciated. There was pain and love delicately woven into the story and I commend you on artistically weaving those feelings in.

You lost me for a bit when he started getting upset over his mother. I know you sort of foreshadowed it earlier on, but I think I felt a little lost because the writing seemed cramped and disorderly.

In short, the story is brimming with potential and beauty, and by making the writing more organized and visually more ascetic by spacing it properly and paying attention to punctuating your dialogues, you can let the beauty of the story and the characters emerge. Editing the story is extremely important! Also look out for run-on sentences. They're stylistically good if used sparingly. :)

Good luck, and keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions.






Thanks, I'e never used this site and I wasn't sure how to edit it on here, But I figured it out. I took out a lot of the cursing, but I felt like a lot of it was essential to the characters so I left some in. Thanks for the advise.



User avatar
95 Reviews


Points: 818
Reviews: 95

Donate
Tue Aug 07, 2012 9:26 am
Clarity wrote a review...



I had to stop reading this halfway through. TOO MUCH SWEARING!
Unless this kid has terrettes, there is no need to have a swear word in practically every sentence!

Okay, other than that it was good, nice describing, other than the swearing...but it was okay.

It would sound a whole lot better without all of the swearing... that practically ruined the story for me, so sort that out please!

I'll review it again after that's sorted out.

-Clarity




Clarity says...


No means to offend here either. Just making a point that needs to be heard..





I revised some, you might want to try re-reading. I can't take it all out because I think the language is essential to the characters. I don't talk like that, but the characters sort of created themselves like that. You know what I mean?




The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust