Summer Mitchells sat with her back pressed against the cold jail cell wall.
She turned around and started to scratch suns into the wall.
"Why are you doing that?" Asked a curious guard.
"Well" She said in a bored tone "The sun represent Summer, and I lurve Summer"
"Really?" Said the guard who leaned back in his chair biting into his red apple.
"Yes, Really" She turned giving him a frown and an arched eyebrow.
"Ironic really, your name is summer and you love the summer."
"No" She said scratching a 3rd sun into the wall. “Ironic would be if my name is summer and i DONT like summer"
The guard chucked the apple core into the bin by his feet. "Sorry miss know-it-all. Now listen here Ms.Mitchells, you are allowed one call. You may go use the phone".
"Nah" Said the golden haired, brown-eyed girl. "My father will come for me, he always does".
After scratching her fourth sun, she lied down her back, her hands behind her head. "Besides" she said, "It’s not my first time in jail".
"Well what did you do this time?" The guard asked.
She turned her head to the guard. She had a smile on her red lips "Joy ride in a police car, it was awesome".
The parole officer looked at the young girl with pity. She just gave him the finger.
"MS. Summer Amorette Mitchells has been bailed out by her father. She is free to go." Spoke the lady on the intercom.
The guard stood up and walked over to the cell to unlock it. "Well, enjoy the rest of your day Ms.Mtichells"
"You too Tom, lay down on the doughnuts yeah? You’re getting a little chubby" she said to the guard. Patting him on the cheek (a/n: the face cheek not they butt guys) as she walked out.
(Summer POV)
I expected to see my father there. But instead I saw our limo driver. "Hey Charlie" i say quietly.
"Hello Summer, How are you today?"
"Alright, you?"
"Im getting old, lets just leave it at that"
I smile. I liked charlie a lot. Ive known him since i was 5, im now 17.I slide into the back of the limo and looked at the window as Charlie drove me home.
Soon as i walked through the door, I heard my Dad screaming my name.
"SUMMER AMORETTE MITCHELLS! GET IN MY OFFICE NOW!"
i sigh and walk to his office.
"Yes?" i said in a bored tone.
"DONT GIVE ME THAT SASS YOUNG LADY!" Said dad going red in the face. "IM SICK OF HAVING TO BAIL YOU OUT OF JAIL!"
I give him a bored look, this is like the 18th time he has told me this. "Well, what are you doing to do about it old man? Send me to the north pole?"
"Exactly" My dad said in a cold tone with a smile on his face.
"Ye-hu-he-huh wai-who-WHAT!? Your actually send me to the freakin’ north pool? It’s like never summer up there! "
"Too bad Summer. I’m sending you up there for your own good. To learn discipline. To learn responsibilty of one’s self. To learn respect. Now go back your bags. You leave in a week. You will be gone for 6 months. You will be going with my glaciologist team."
I looked at my dad in shock. I then laugh "Yo-You're kidding me right? You not really going to send me up there? You’re not really going to send your only child up to the north pole are you?"
"I KID YOU NOT SUMMER!" my father yelled going red in the face again.
"B-b-but I could get gangrene!"
"Don’t be silly summer, you can't get gangrene. You can get frost bite though, nasty stuff really".
"I hate you"
"Go pack your bags".
"YOUR THE WORST FATHER EVER! I HOPE YOU DIE!"
I stomped out of the office and upstairs to my room. Slamming the door, I screamed. I can’t believe I’m getting sent to the north pole for 6 months.
6 months with no summer.
Just freezing cold winter. I HATE WINTER!
End of chapter
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139,704 Literary Works • 672,657 Reviews
Hello
Considering your age, this is pretty good - and it seems like you have an interesting storyline going. Summer, in this first chapter, appears to be the type of girl
However, you seriously need to work on your grammar, punctuation, capitalization and the flow of the storyline. For instance:
- "Ironic would be if my name is summer and i DONT like summer", should be "Ironic would be if my name was Summer and I <i>don't</i> like summer".
- "Your actually send me to the freakin’ north pool?", should be "You're actually sending me to the freakin’ North Pole?"
- Use 'third' instead of 3rd etc, again, more professional not to use numbers
- 'lay down' instead of 'lied down'
- Read the story out loud - it'll help so much when it comes to punctuation.
- Think about the books that you have read yourself, and the slang that they contain. Using slang like 'lurve', is very uncommon in most published literary works, and in my opinion reduces the tone of your piece.
Nevertheless, I am curious to read more about Summer - and with a few little changes, this could be a good story. At the moment I'm too fixated on minor points (like the capitalization of character's names) to truly concentrate on the storyline. Well done though!
x
*Completely forgot to finish this sentence: Summer, in this first chapter, appears to be the type of girl every young teenager can relate to just a little - and I like her characterisation.
Thank you for your feedback! Alot of the things you have mentioned I did intentinoally but none the less, thank you. I think of everyone as a lost filled with hate and anger and i think everyone can relate to that. Once again, thanks for the help! x
From what I've read here you have an interesting story line and I would definitely be interested in reading more of this story, however there are a few things that you could probable improve on.
'Summer Mitchells sat with her back pressed against the cold jail cell wall.'
It's a good opening line but it took me a couple of seconds to wrap my head around 'cold jail cell wall', I just feel it could probably be worded better, 'cold wall of the jail cell' perhaps?
'"You too Tom, lay down on the doughnuts yeah? You’re getting a little chubby" she said to the guard. Patting him on the cheek (a/n: the face cheek not they butt guys) as she walked out.'
Second thing, NEVER put authors notes inside your writing. If you feel like you have to use an author’s note to explain something in the middle of the story, then you should probably think of another, more descriptive way, to write that part. However in this case the authors note is unnecessary because when I read 'cheek', I did not think butt.
Third and final thing, what’s lacking from your story mainly is description. You have plenty of dialogue but a little more description would be nice just to balance it out a little
Thanks so much for the help love!
Hi there!
I actually started reviewing chapter 1 of this novel until I realized there was a prologue. So I stopped over here to take a look at this before I review the chapter.
I love how you started this off. The first sentence is the most important. It either makes the reader want to read or throw up (well, not literally, but you get my point ^_^). You're first line is great:
There is so much I could say about this. First off, it definitely draws me in. I'm wondering who this girl is and why she is in prison. Second, it gives me some great imagery. I can imagine her leaning against concrete walls inside a jail cell. Third, it introduces the main character. You throw her name out there like the reader is supposed to know who she is. This leads to more interest. Now the reader really wants to know who she is and why they need to know her. Great job with that.
There's a lot of dialogue in this which is fine. But a personal preference of mine is to have descriptions mixed in with dialogue. I think it's important to give the reader a good idea of the setting of the story. It's as simple as adding that the police station looked like a school cafeteria or smelled like one. Small one liner sentences can make a huge difference.
I really don't have anything else to say about this except that I really enjoyed reading this. I'm more of a fantasy lover myself, but I enjoy an occasional teenage romance story. I'm interested in where this is going to go. And I can't wait to see what other trouble Summer gets herself into.
Everything I've suggested above is just that, a suggestion. You can use my advice to change your novel or you could ignore it. I really don't care either way (I ignore some stuff that people suggest about my pieces, but I'm just stubborn like that so...). At the end of the day, this novel is your to write, not mine.
Keep writing! Oh yeah, and welcome to the site!
**Noelle**
Thanks for all your help! Thanks for the welcome! x
greetings!
okay, the plot is mighty good. you're simple narration actually hooks people into reading more.
first of all, there's a few technical and grammatical mistakes here which i think you should correct cause it gets the best of this work which is otherwise really fun to read. for example you wrote ""Really?" Said the guard who leaned back in his chair biting into his red apple."
i think it would "...be leaned back on his chair" also there's this parole officer in the picture which you don't tell us about much which might create a bit of confusion i think.
about summer's dad, i would advise to stop using CAPS in almost everything he says. this ("!") is enough to show anger and excitement.
you put in a good humor but at times maybe because of your narration it becomes a little cliche and becomes disturbing to read for example; "I give him a bored look, this is like the 18th time he has told me this" i could've laughed at it, but something made me not laugh. maybe because you showcased it too openly and in a matter of fact way that it robs off the chuckles and that's a really bad thing (i really wanted to laugh).
the plot is awesome. there are a lot of people who write beautifully but get canned because what they write isn't original at all. yours, may it be a little stereotypical but for the most part original (specially the north pole stuff) and really good. you should continue with it.
hope to read the next part.
Puck
hope it was good
What are you talking about not being good at reviews? This was excellant! Thank you SO much for all the help! I will defitnaly take your advice. Sorry I couldnt make you laugh :/ Thanks for all the help Puck! You're amazing! x
This is good, seems like something i'd like to read and love.
There is a point where you say "soon as i walked through the door..." I'd change it to "As soon as"
It seems a bit too much slang... When your writing as through the characters are speaking, then use slang if you wish, it might help get their personalitys across a bit. But dont use it when there is no speech, you need to use correct SPaG in that part...
(Spelling, Punctuation and Grammer)
I'd also rate this 12+ because your character seems to come across as someone who gets into a otof trouble, and she gives the finger to the guard, so i'd advise it:)
That's it for the critisim, now to the good comments!:D
I think you've done a really good job, you had me wanting to read more by the end! Hurry up and get chapter 2 done!:D
The short sentences and the long sentences vary... I love this, they both are really good at building up the interest! So, having the variation of them is really good.
You also use them exactly in the right places!
Just one more thing... I'd like to see a description of the characters, so as the reader, i can imagine what they look like.
Involve this in chapter 2 or 3?
Well done! Good luck!
Thank you so much for the help! Also, thanks for not being mean about the critism
I'll get right to work on chapter two! x