z

Young Writers Society



The Colours of Love 1

by Twit


1 (i)

I took a sip of water and turned to face the audience, noticing a few unfamiliar faces in the crowd of students and local enthusiasts. A man in the back with his hat pulled low over his face; an elderly man screwing in a gold-rimmed monocle; and in the front row, a man in a very smart black jacket. He sat rigidly upright, his hands folded on his knees; and he lifted his chin and stared directly at me.

I shifted my gaze away to a neutral spot somewhere above the audience’s heads and began, ‘The ancient Greek physician Hippocrates is a fundamental figure in our history. Anatomy, biology, medicine, philosophy; they all have their roots in Hippocratic thought, and it is Hippocrates we have to thank for much of our current understanding of the human brain. Scholars preceding Hippocrates believed that the heart was the fundamental organ. This was due to Aristotle’s erroneous theory of dualism, where the world is divided into mind and matter, and the heart is the point of convergence between these two states of physical and nonphysical. Dualism. Two states of being. It was discredited through the work of Hippocrates, who argued that the brain and not the heart is the primary organ in the human body.’

It was a good lecture. I’d written, rewritten and edited it until I was satisfied, and listening to the sound of my voice was, although egotistical, rather comforting. The lecture ended to enthusiastic applause, and after taking a few questions, I stepped down from the platform.

The audience began to file out. As usual, Stamforth lingered behind, his round, rather heavy face showing its customary expression of delighted enthusiasm. ‘Doctor Roussel, I have a question.’

‘Yes, Stamforth,’ I said, folding my notes and stuffing them in my pocket. Stamforth must have been at least thirty, but his constant enthusiasm made me feel twenty years older than he.

‘Doctor Roussel, I was reading some notes on Galen from your lecture last week, and I noticed that they directly contradicted Paracelsus’ book, so I was wondering—’

‘Oh don’t bother with Paracelsus!’ I exclaimed. ‘He’s little more than a glorified toxicologist. His theory of outside influences is interesting, but not plausible. He’s really not worth your time.’

‘Professor Feldman recommends Paracelsus,’ Stamforth objected.

‘Professor Feldman’s ideas are out-dated and crude,’ I said. I realised that sounded rather rude, and smiled awkwardly. ‘I’m sorry, but, well, there it is. Don’t bother with Paracelsus. Stick to Hippocrates and Harvey.’

‘Yes Professor. Good morning.’ Stamforth grinned, bowed and went out.

I took the glass of water and drained it in one gulp. It rushed down cold and refreshing, and I shuddered with relief.

‘Doctor Roussel?’

I put down the glass and realised that another member of the audience had stayed behind. I hadn’t noticed them when busy with Stamforth, but now I recognised the man in the smart jacket. He rose from his seat and extended his hand. ‘Doctor Roussel, I am Lord Newman.’

‘An honour to meet you, my lord,’ I said. His hand was firm, but oddly cold. ‘Are you a member of the Institute? I don’t think I’ve seen you here at the university before.’

‘I have visited the Institute, but this is my first visit to Saint Bartholomew’s. I was recommended to your lecture by a friend. I think we may have a common acquaintance.’

‘Oh really?’ I felt flattered. ‘Who was it?’

‘Someone from Paris, Dr Roussel.’ He had not released my hand, and his fingers tightened around my own. ‘Someone from La Sorbonne. Your alma mater, I believe.’

My heart gave a sudden start in my chest. I pulled my fingers free and forced a smile. ‘Yes. Well. I have not kept in contact with my old university friends. The revolution has not been kind to France. It makes correspondence difficult.’

‘But your time in Paris was most memorable, was it not? Not a month after you complete your studies and the entire French monarchy is destroyed. That can’t have been easy for you. Living among so much death. So much bloodshed.’

‘No. I mean—no, it—it wasn’t.’ I turned my back to him and gathered my books and the rest of my papers together. ‘If you will excuse me, sir, I am very busy right now. I have another lecture next week, and I must go over my notes.’

‘Doctor Roussel, I know what happened in Paris.’

I froze, my fingers curled around a copy of da Vinci’s drawings.

‘I have statements, I have witnesses—and Doctor, I have your notebook.’

No. No, this was impossible. There was no earthly way he could ever get hold of that book. He was lying. He was lying, he had to be.

‘Doctor Roussel.’

‘What do you want?’ My voice came out too high. I took a deep breath and turned around. Lord Newman was still standing there, the silver buttons gleaming brightly on his coat. He held a small notebook bound in faded brown leather and tied with a fraying red ribbon. I instantly recognised it, and bile sprang up in the back of my throat. I swallowed convulsively and almost choked.

‘I want to talk.’ Lord Newman played with one end of the ribbon, looking up at me with eyes that were black and hard as chips of coal.

‘Talk?’

‘Yes. Suppose we go outside. I know a wonderful little coffee house not far from here.’

I stared at him. He tucked the notebook back inside his pocket and began pulling on his gloves. He smoothed out the last crease, then looked at me in surprise, as though puzzled that I was still here.

‘I need to put these books in my office,’ I mumbled finally.

‘Of course,’ Lord Newman said. ‘Take as long as you need.’

He said nothing more as he followed me through the university corridors. I went to my office and dropped off my books, then back down the stairs, pushing my way through the crowds of students, tutors and scholars thronging the entrance hall. I felt light, brittle, like a piece of old china, as though it would only take one good tap for me to shatter completely.

The air outside was heavy with the stink of the city: horses, mud, smoke, spilled refuse, filth in the gutters. I took a deep breath and felt my head spin. I could run away right now, not looking back once. A quick leap over that beggar, dart left into that alleyway and I would run and no one would ever find me again. I even took a step forward, but Lord Newman gripped my shoulder. ‘It’s this way, Doctor Roussel. Just down here.’

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2631 Reviews

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Thu Jul 19, 2012 1:42 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Haiiiii!

Specifics

1. I agree with DudeMcGuy that you don't want 'down low' in that first paragraph, though I'd suggest keeping down instead of low. I also agree on using eyes instead of face.

2. You pick these scientists/ enthusiasts out as people the narrator recognises and therefore knows. Yet later, he seems very unfamiliar with this man in the smart jacket and then there's the one with the pulled down hat. How does he pin point him as being a local enthusiast/ scientist when his face is covered? I think you need to make it clear that these are the 'unfamiliar faces', that he's noting, the people who stand out as not being students.

3.

A man in the back with his hat still on, pulled down low over his face; an elderly man screwing in a gold-rimmed monocle; and in the very front row, a man in an impeccably pressed black jacket with shining silver buttons.
This sentence runs on a bit and that last partition is a real mouthful. Impeccably pressed black jacket is rather impossible to read, especially after the rest of the sentence has been so long already. I think you'll have to go for 'impeccable black jacket' or 'pressed black jacket'. Choose one, not both.

4.
It was not until Pythagoras that people began to consider the brain, rather than the heart, as the source of human reason, and we have Hippocrates to thank for most of our modern understanding about the significance of the brain in everyday human activity.
In this part of the lecture, you move too quickly from one philosopher to another. It's difficult for the reader to keep up, I'm guessing particularly so if they're unfamiliar with the subject. I'm actually surprised that I know these things as I thought I'd forgotten them - I did a 'Medicine through Time' module six or seven years ago. What I think you need to do is start a new sentence to tell us about Hippocrates and just try to smooth it out a little. I wonder if you really need to mention so many of the different philosophers in the opening statement? Usually a lecturer will start with the key contributors and then bring the others in as they move into the more detailed sections.

5.
Stamforth must have been at least thirty, but his constant enthusiasm made me feel twenty years older than he.
This is a little awkward. Maybe change that but to and? I think that would make more sense.

6. I love that your narrator is a bit of a fool. Honestly, forget Paracelsus? Pffft. <3 I wonder if this is a parallel world where things turned out differently or just a doctor who's a little bit foolish. Either way, you've got my interest for the moment.

7. I'm uncertain why a 'Lord' would work at a university or what he might be Lord of? We get doctors certainly but never lords. It strikes me as strange that the doctor should then presume he works there.

8. Isn't alma mater the school one studied or graduated at? Oh, I see, you mean a person from there is the contact? Sorry, don't mind me. I got confused for a moment.

9. Wait, he's just confirmed that this man works at the university and yet he thinks to fob him off with excuses that lectures take a lot of preparation? Everyone knows how much lecturers recycle their old lectures, especially someone who works in a university ;)

10.
No. No, this was impossible. There was no earthly way he could ever get hold of that book. He was lying. He was lying, he had to be.
The register feels off here. I think there are too many uses of 'no', perhaps too whiny a tone. There's something about it that feels too young and not professor like.

11.
‘Of course,’ Lord Newman said. ‘Take as long as you need.’
It's very awkward if you leave it as a fragment.

Overall

Okay so I'm not sure about this. Your dialogue is lovely, the description is great, as always, and there's good suspense. However, the characters aren't grabbing me and the scene seems a bit bland for a first chapter. There's not quite enough hook to have me desperate for more.

I'm not entirely sure what to suggest. I think it's just quite a dry scene to be opening the novel with and there's nothing about your narrator which immediately grabs me. If I cared more for him then I'd be more interested in the book, I'm sure. But for now he seems more to be someone to ridicule than to care for. Perhaps if you played on that more and gave us a better insight into who he is, whether he believes in Galen's work with the four humours or just isn't a Paracelsus fan. My history is a little vague anyway. Uh- perhaps you could just give us some more hints that there's going to be something interesting here. Something more than talk of long dead scientists and philosophers.

The writing itself is very lovely though, I'll not fault you there. I'm just not sure about the plot or the lack of excitement,

Heather xxx




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Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:32 pm
DudeMcGuy wrote a review...



Hi Twit,

Thank you for the request. You've been a great help to me since I've been here, so I'm more than happy to try my best to return the favor. With that said, you've been at this longer than I have. So I'll leave it to you to decide which parts of my critique are helpful/valid or not.

OK, the very first paragraph:

Good description of the crowd and lecture hall. Your use of the semi-colon was a perfect choice here. Just a couple things I noticed,

1."A man in the back with his hat still on, pulled down low over his face;..."
(I think the word 'down' is unnecessary, as low implies down already. Also, consider changing 'face' to 'eyes'. "Face" gave me the image of the hat covering all the way to his chin/mouth, which I don't think is what you we're trying to communicate.)

2. "He sat up very straight, his hands folded on his knees, and he lifted his chin and stared directly at me." (Nothing wrong with this as it is. It's actually quite descriptive, but I think you could make it more so by finding a different phrase for "up very straight". 'He sat with perfect/good posture' perhaps? Just a suggestion.)

Moving on to the speech/lecture. Very nice overall. I have a few changes I'd recommend, which basically amounts to adding phrases to make it sound more "public speaking/lecture-esqe". The problem is I don't now if what I'm about to suggest will fit with the character you're creating, but I'll go ahead and do it anyway.

"The ancient Greek physician Hippocrates believed the brain to be the centre of all human activity. {This was a stark contradiction to most} scholars that came before, who {considered} the heart {as} the fundamental organ, the seat of all vital human functions. {Their understanding was derived from} Aristotle’s theory of dualism, {which divided} the world into mind and matter {and} focused on the importance of the heart as the point of convergence between these two states of physical and nonphysical. {This was western philosophy's dominant view} until Pythagoras began to consider the brain, rather than the heart, as the source of human reason{.} And {as our ideology shifted from Aristotle to Pythagoras,} Hippocrates {eventually came to define} most of our {current} understanding {of} the {brain's significance} in everyday human activity.’

I know that a lot of my suggestions here are merely word and phrase choices, but I think it sound's more lecture-like when each sentence reaches back for the context of the previous one. That way it flows together in a sort of structured manner, which I think is important for that educational speech feel. I hope that makes sense. Just trying to help. (But whatever you choose to do, I think you need a period after 'reason' to clearly separate the "Pythagoras" and "Hippocrates" sentences.)

"As usual, Stamforth lingered behind, his round, rather heavy face showing its customary expression of delighted enthusiasm."

Try cutting the second comma and re-wording as: "... lingered behind with his round, heavy..." I think it flows better, but you might know better than I do.

"... folding my notes and stuffing them in my pocket."
(Since the MC is a Professor/Doctor, could they have a briefcase to stuff the notes in? Just a thought.)

"...realised that someone else from the audience had stayed behind."
Might I suggest: "...realised that another member of the audience was patiently waiting to speak with me." A little more descriptive and "had stayed" is a little strange sounding to me.

"Engaged with Stamforth, I hadn’t been aware of them, but now..."
This read a little awkward to me, but maybe I'm just not familiar with 1st person style enough, I don't know.
Would it be better as "I was unaware of them during my brief conversation with Stamforth, but I quickly recognised him as the man from the front..." ??

You used 'realised' in the previous sentence, so I thought that 'recognised' might be better for variety/flow.

"My heart gave a sudden start in my chest." -- I'm not familiar with this expression. Is it common in Europe? Forgive my American ignorance haha.

"I have another lecture next week, and it takes a lot of preparation."
Considering this is taking place sometime in the late 1700's or early 1800's I'm a little iffy on the the phrase 'it takes a lot'. Seems a little out of place. Maybe try: 'requires hours of preparation' or something else?

"He was holding a small notebook" -- change "was holding" to "held"?

I stared at him. He tucked the notebook back inside his pocket and began pulling on his gloves. -- you could combine both of these sentences by using "as" after "him". (I stared at him as he tucked...)

"Outside the air was heavy..."
Shouldn't there be a comma after 'Outside'? Or you could write "The air outside was heavy..."

"I could run, I run away, right now, not looking back once, leaping over that beggar and darting into that alleyway and I would run and no one would ever find me again."

This part is very descriptive, but I would try condensing the first part to "I could run away right now, not looking back once. If I leapt over that beggar...

------
Good stuff Twit :) . I enjoyed it very much. This has a very nice set-up and feel to it. Sorry my review was so picky, I was just trying to help in anyway I could. I'm not really familiar much with 1st person either, so some of my suggestions might be totally wrong (I hope not!).

Good cliffhanger ending too. It left me wanting more. But one thing I wasn't 100% clear on was the gender of the MC, Dr. Roussel. I mean, that would be pretty silly to just outright declare in first person I imagine, but I didn't really see any clues to suggest it. Maybe I just missed them?

As it is now, I'm assuming Roussel is male because of their level of education in the time and setting. But I'm not completely sure.

You're a talented writer Twit, and thanks again for linking me to your work. This has potential to be a great story I think. Feel free to PM or Wall me. Later!




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Sat Jul 14, 2012 12:08 am
Ismeme wrote a review...



I love it. I look forward to reading the second chapter. You're a great writer, and do a wonderful job at making your words flow, something a lot of people can't do. I like how you didn't directly say it takes place after the french revolution, so also a good job at subtle hinting. I loved it and I'd love to see more.





The blood jet is poetry and there is no stopping it.
— Sylvia Plath