Hey Nerosys!
Sorry I took so long to get here. My life's been crazy lately.
Anyway, a disclaimer before I begin: My reviews tend to be slow, line-by-line critiques, so they can get a bit lengthy and nit-picky, so bear with me.
Now, getting to business...
~ I like how you begin the story with action; a young man reporting to a superior. But since you ended your sentence within the quotation marks, you need to begin your next sentence with a capital letter; also, I think I'd introduce his age a bit later. You set yourself up a perfect opportunity, 'After speaking he resumed his observation of the forest around him'; here you can 'show' us more about it. He can casually run his fingers through his hair (tell us color, length, texture even. i.e. short black hair; thick blond hair; spiked brown hair); or you could tell us a bit more about his wardrobe (a helmet covered his sweaty red hair).“Sir! The sighting was said to be around this general area." spoke the young man no older than 19. "The breakage should be close by now, perhaps... that way!" his adolescence was evident but suppressed by his on-the-job voice. After speaking he resumed his observation of the forest around him.
And, by describing him to us, you can gradually integrate his youth, instead of just flat out telling us he's 19. As a writer you want your reader to be a part of the story, to imagine that they're right beside the person you're writing about; and by stating information you make the reader more of a passenger to your story than a participant.
~ this again is 'telling' more than 'showing'. I like your description of Arctos; but not the way it's presented. Maybe start "Arctos said, his tone dangerous and unyielding, his face getting harder every moment." Or in a similar manner.This time the talking came from the eldest of the small group. His name was Arctos and his tone was dangerous and non negotiable. He spoke with an increasingly angry look on his face. He absolutely loathed coming to this forest for any reason. The younger two just looked at each other blankly to keep quiet and thought of what the other was thinking just to avoid an awkward conversation.
~ I really like your description here, and in the rest of the paragraph! It's amazing! Though 'Arctos' should be possessive; "Arctos' comment".Arctos comment had broken the conversation completely, leaving the silence to hang heavy like incense in the fresh night air.
~ Perhaps you can state this a different way. It's stiff. Maybe try 'Perhaps that was why Luciana hadn't spoken yet.' Since you've already introduced Noah, and made it clear that it was a boy who we first heard talking, it would make it obvious that Luciana was the third person in the party.Perhaps this was why the third of the companions was yet to speak. Her name was Luciana.
~ 'furry-looking'...any chance the furry looking sack of shit over...
~ :/ This is really 'telly', though I'm not sure how you can change it. I alway write in a first-person sense, so it's easy to show emotion; but it's possible to show us here.Arctos’s physical presence was a great burden on her mind even though she was able to hide it.
This sentence was followed by amazingly descriptive sentences! Great job! Description is my absolute favorite part of writing; and your piece has satisfied my hunger for it.
~ I don't fully understand the 'hey'. If it's supposed to be like the Canadian question it should be 'eh'. "Let's check it out, eh?"“Yeah, that'll be the one, let’s check it out hey?"
~ TypoThe jewel was a speckles white sphere.
I really adore the description in the paragraph.
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Okay! I hope I wasn't too harsh; I was reviewing writer-to-writer. None of it was personal. Overall I really did like your story! It was full of description, which, as I mentioned, I adore.
This is a really interesting start to what I'm sure will be a really interesting story. It's enticing, making me want to read more; see what happens next.
I'd be happy to review for you again if you want me to.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me!
~Shady
Points: 2806
Reviews: 935
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