Hi, looks like you could use a review ^^
Lines One Through Five: The first line needs work. I was almost ready to skip over this and look for something else to read but your next few made me change my mind. I think the problem is that the first line uses a casual, cliche phrase: it makes me sick. It's difficult to take your persona seriously and then that's combined with the internal rhyme and it's a big breaking point.
The next two lines aren't very strongly worded but they have a good, lyrical base and their vaguesness kind of works in your favour.
I love line four. I was expecting it to be mundane again and I was waiting for that 'none of your business' but the way you turn our expectations around is lovely. If you keep nothing else from this poem, keep this line.
I'm not sure about line five. There's a lack of emotion with contradicts the wording and I think you need to spend more time building this persona. I can't feel who they are yet or what they're feeling. The only part of this line that does interest me is 'concentrated' which makes me think of a drink and then what happens when you water it down: do we water down emotions to make them bareable? I don't know, but that seemed quite an interesting connection but the rest is too vague to do anything with. Who does he/ she love, where does physics come in? You need to put some solid imagery behind these words.
I do like the half rhyme of business and physics though so maybe you can try to keep that?
Lines Six Through Ten: Okay so the next two lines bring in the triangle but that's the only solid image you have. We don't know what you mean by 'chose reality' or what the 'so much for that' refers to. So much for love, so much for friendship? So much for triangles being the strongest structure and used to build bridge supports? If this poem is going to survive, it needs to give us something that's a definite, something we can understand and build on.
The next three lines have a lot of words for how little they say but you've got that lyrical flow going again so I can almost forgive you. If you could extend that through the whole poem, you'd be halfway there to making this work.
Lines Eleven Through sixteen: Line eleven breaks into the previous three perfectly so good work there. I don't like the next though, I think it's partly the use of 'bickering' that seems out of place in a poem that's trying to be seriously serious about something. The thirteenth line has a nice sound to it. The rest of this stanza feels too prosey to me though. You could write this out with no line breaks and it would read like a story, but poetry should be different. It should be more condensed because you have fewer words to tell this story and I think that's why you're struggling to actually give us the background information we're looking for.
Stanza Two: I don't like any of this stanza because it's too 'telling' without actually saying much at all and it feels like an epilogue from the back of a novel.
Overall
There's a few lines I like here and I think it might be worth taking another shot at it, but first you need to decide what's the story here and how are you going to tell it to us? I've come away from this poem knowing ony vague details: that there was a love triangle and it didn't work out. I don't even know what part the persona of the poem played in that triangle, whether they were the one doing the yearning or being yearned for. Or both. There really isn't enough indication of the content.
I'd also like to see more emotion, maybe more fragmanetation and changing of pace. The poem (despite its vague phrasing) is actually very sequential and it makes sense. There aren't crazy lines or impossible phrases and I think you need those. A little bit of craziness would really endear your persona to us.
I don't feel I've been very helpful, but maybe I've given you an idea or two about what you need to change with this piece. I didn't like it very much but there is something here which I feel could be worked with, otherwise I'd be telling you to stop and start again.
What you might want to do is put it aside for a bit and read more poetry. That's the best way to learn how poetry flows or how poets make use of imagery and emotion to build their pieces in so few words.
Well good luck and let me know if you've got any questions,
Heather xxx
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
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