Hi Nike! Sea here to review. Sorry to drag up one of your pieces from the archives, but I think it's worth it.
I like the writing style in this. It's sort of choppy, but it works for some reason. Fragments and everything usually really bug me, but I think it fit your character's voice.
I have a couple of grammar/typo nitpicks to address.:
"Gabby!" a yell.
"A" should be capitalized.
That awoke me withing five seconds.
"Within"
General Comments:
The beginning is a little awkward. I see that you tied it in to the end of the piece, but it seemed a little rushed. If you want to go into the whole word thing, you might expand on it a bit so it's not just sort of....there. I hope this is making sense.
The entire piece feels rather out-of-place. Even though you have a very short space to work with, I felt a little confused. Not confused as in I had no idea what was going on, but I couldn't answer the "So what?" question. I couldn't really connect to either of the characters.
Overall, I liked the piece; it has potential. I don't know if you still want to work on it, but if you ever revive it, you might consider expanding it a little. Even if not, it's a fun little piece.
I hope I helped even a little. If you have any questions or need anything, just let me know.
Happy writing!
-Sea-
Points: 3414
Reviews: 247
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