I can feel a arm around me, but it pulls away slowly like a snake.
an
your in front of,
you're
Okay, so I like this chapter a lot more than the last one, because you've gotten the pacing right! It flows at just the right speed for the story, and it's consistent. So good job on that. There are a few things that I think could use a little attention.
1. Demitri- So Vienna is actually a very original heroine, and I love how disgusted she is about everything. But Demitri right now isn't much more than a prop. He could really use some development. Now that Vienna is over the just-met-you stage, try having her look a little deeper at Demitri. Start bleeding in the information about him, who is he, what age is he, why did he come to find her? And start showing us a bit more of his personality, because right now he doesn't seem to have very much. Let it show in his words, his actions. Here, he seems all at once brusque and sweet, and maybe that's what you're going for but I think you need to work a little on your portrayal of him.
2. Description- One of the problems I'm noticing in these chapters is how abruptly you mention something. Like when you say he pulled a sword and dagger out. Has he been wearing his sword belt the whole time? Maybe Vienna would notice that when they were walking, could see him fingering the hilt before he pulls it out. You need to set a precinct for everything, not just mention every object and plot point only when they're needed. Because the sword was surely there all along, it didn't just appear when he needed it.
[b]3. So you're in a magical world...[b] and you're not the least bit curious? Vienna is annoying me a bit in the way that she's not asking any questions, about where they are, what the country's called, how the portal worked... nothing! I'd like to see a little more natural curiosity around her. When these things happen (not that it's ever actually happened to me ) you don't just go along with it and go, oh hey, another world, whatever. You're excited. You're interested. And most of all, you really want to know what's going on. So I'd like to see her being a bit more involved in that sense
But overall, this chapter was much, much stronger than the first one! Well done!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
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