I am not steel
that is cold
and dependable—
I am weak.
I cannot harbour
a thousand
roofless souls—
I am small.
And unheard plaints
sound softly
in my ears
and I do the laundry.
And fifty spent thunderclaps
were counted today
on the pavement
as I walked my dog.
Please believe
my flesh is soft
and supple—
Citizens of life
forget the other things
and just be people
and fellow people.
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140,745 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Hey runner, I believe this is the second work of yours I'm looking at today :3 Bit of a shame you didn't get more reviews before now, but I suppose that's what Review Day is for.
Anyway, on to the poem: I like the soft tone you've got running through this. That plus the general theme reminds me a lot of a poem by Wislawa Szymborska that I really love, and that you might appreciate, I think, on that subject. A+ for that
I think the parts where your poem falls short, however, is that the way you drop those "I am weak" or "I am small" is too sudden. It reads like it should be a confession, but it comes out sounding a lot more jagged. It threw me off the poem a bit, which probably isn't the effect you intended. There's also small things like the formulation of that first stanza, which sounds a bit forced (I think it's the "that is", which a bit of a hard sound next to the 'steel'), or how the fourth stanza is a bit lacking in internal rhythm.
The last two stanzas are the weakest, in my opinion. In the second to last, the "Please believe" is a bit weird because I can't really see why the fact you give should require extra believing? And the last stanza just feels bland, kind of cardboard-cut and missing in the humanity that would have helped make the poem circle on itself and reach its target right.
Good job for the tone, though. Just work a bit more on the form, and I think you'll be set!
Your poem is very good and I should say you really did some hard work on it. Your poem has a smooth flow and it is all even. But however, on the second last stanza you did write the fourth line which gives it an incomplete look. You could have added something like " I am just a child." or something. It has a rhythm and a pattern too. I like your poem very much. The and s in the third stanza was a wee bit much I think. Then again, this is a real cute poem and it is near perfect and it is a good thing. Keep working on yourself and I am sure one day you will be perfect. Right now just keep writing and getting better. Good luck and keep writing!!^_^
A beautiful piece!
Are you missing a line in the second last paragraph though?
Just a personal thing, you could change "dependable" to "reliable", it just sits better with me
Love it though!
--Roxy