Young Writers Society

I just started crying. Oh my gosh. I'm absolutely in love with this. Especially because my best friend and I are starting to drift away a bit and we don't have time to see each other but she means the world to me. Wow.

This is just amazing, beckiw. Well done! <3

Haiiii! Okay so I wanted to review someone from the list of 'followers' as I realised nearly everyone I've reviewed today is someone I don't know! And it's always nice to give back to friends. So here I am! I'll try to do this in sections I think:

Seven

I'd have loved to see more play on the 'breaking' here. Instead of the 'broke away from my mum' it might have been nice to have some sort of comment that related to the boy. Like something to do with him having toys you could break or breaking him. I don't know. It just felt a bit like that was something you could have exercised. Maybe something like, 'You didn't look breakable so I sat heavily on the bench, sulking'. *shrugs* Or something to do with breaking silence? Okay I'll move on now...

Love the dialogue and the contrast between the two characters, it immediately sets the scenes and endears the reader to them. Very adorable. There's also a great sense of realism, the way the narrator just talks and talks, not really understanding but talking anyway.

An awkward sentence: You stumped me. You challenged seven year old me. “You’re funny.” <<< Maybe try 'you challenged my seven year old brain'.

That was when my Mum called my name and I knew it was time to move on. I flipped off the bench, slipped and thudded to the floor. You laughed. It was quiet; I almost missed it, but it was a laugh all the same. <<< I don't like 'all the same' as it doesn't really give us anything to work with. Perhaps 'but it was a laugh like balloons' or 'but it was a laugh like pebbles'. Something a little abstract, that might work.

Eleven

I met you in the park that day all buzz and excitement. A few days ago it had been my birthday and my Mum had bought me a Polaroid camera. I couldn’t wait to try it out and what better way was there than with my best friend.<<< A more dramatic start might be, 'It was the park again. I had a camera; the Polaroid, remember? All new and shiny like birthday presents always are.'

It stills astounds me how many different facial expressions we were able to produce for that camera and even though I only have one of those photos left now, it still makes me smile. <<< Another line that could use some re-wording. Perhaps something like: 'I wish I'd counted how many photos we took: fifteen? Twenty? The click click click of every expression known to man. I have one left but I've forgotten where I left it.' Eh it's very sketchy and I'm havign trouble explaining myself today. But... something that's a little more toned. That sounds more like an individual; less generic.

Fifteen

This is too telling at the beginning. I want to see this dialogue, not be told what it consisted of!

Eighteen

The day came when we were leaving for university. <<< Maybe try something like: 'It was like a valley that pressed up between us: university.

I walked around the corner shrubbery and saw you sitting on the bench, every bit the triumphant academic. You’d gotten into one of the most prestigious universities there was. I’d know you would. <<< I knew you would.

I like the contrast of intelligence and partying, it works really well. Maybe add a few specific details at the end there. Like: 'You would tell me of your 78 on a paper on the

Twenty Seven

Starts off with a lot of telling again, try to avoid that! Once you get to the dialogue though, a lovely section.

Thirty One

Lovely section.

Thirty Six

You seem unconvinced but let it go. I was telling the truth though; I could never be like you, a family man. I just didn’t have it in me. <<< Careful, don't change tense!

Forty Three

Nothing to complain of here except perhaps that it's a very short section for such an important moment!

Fifty Two

I love how you keep repeating the story about the girl. That really adds a lovely touch and it makes me smile every time.

Sixty

Nothin to say about this one.

Seventy Nine

I wonder why you missed out the funeral? I'm not sure that I mind that you did but I was sort of expecting it, or at least for him to visit the grave?

Alright so general comments! I agree with Charlie that you should make the changes in tone from youth to old age even more obvious. I'd maybe even suggest you form these as diary entries? So less looking back from now and more written at that particular age? That might be cool.

This was a really fun read. A few more details in places - like that polaroid camera - and play with the tone some more and I think you'll have a piece to be very proud of. Well, you should be already but even more so I mean!

See you around,

Heather xxx

Amazing!!! I almost cried at the end :.(

Ohgod so hard to review. Let's see what I thought.

Concept

Lovely, Beckeh. I like the idea of a few events at key points in your protagonist's life. As the character gets older the tone of the narrative changes too -- this is effective and you should aim to accentuate this wherever possible. Short and livelier sentences earlier on will contrast nicely with longer ambling sentences later on.

I don't think it's necessarily a sad story though, despite what others have written. It's a very human story -- a day doesn't go by where, somewhere in the world, the parts of this story are being acted out. People meet, become friends, go to Uni, have children, and eventually die. You've done a good job of bringing one such tale into focus.

Things to keep in mind

When you come back to this, keep your eye on the goal. This short story is their photo album -- it's made up of snapshots rather than rambling scenes -- so make each as vivid as possible and tie them together as much as you can. The re-used of the "declaration of love" incident is a great example of this. Perhaps you could find more intricate ways to link the scenes as well?

...the grey roll out across the sky and sap the evening light away.

...the grey roll out across the sky and sap the evening light away.

Hey bekiw!

I loved this story, it was a really sweet piece and I really felt the emotions coming through.

There's not much I would change apart from there being a few missing words I think but I'm sure you will pick up on them if you read through it again.

Also I was a bit unsure about some of your dialogue as I didn't think it fitted the character especially when you had the best friend say "Yes Indeedy" I'm not sure it worked and the dialogue you used at the end as well - I understand why you put it there and I think it is a vital point in the story as it shows the reader the friends everyday relationship, however, I think that some of the lines were a bit weak and could be made stronger if you went back over them.

Hope all this helps, I really enjoyed reading it so thanks for a great story!

Wake x

Hi, Beckeh! <3

You know, for someone who prefers 3rd person perspective over 1st, you've done a brilliant job of narrating this beautiful story. So very endearing and sweet and about what it is to have friendship. Also, I love when writers narrate stories from the minds of characters that are of the opposite gender as themselves. I find it pretty awesome.

The story, albeit a little predictable (by way of the narrator looking back at his fondest memories and then later reminding himself of how his relationship with his best friend grew over the years despite their being some lack of consistency along the way too), has a lot of sentimentality woven into it and that shows from the way you've described it all. Imagery, although simplistic (and that's what I love about this), still grabs me as a reader and pulls me in. I'm already empathetic and compassionate towards the characters and the connection just automatically clicks.

You seem unconvinced but let it go. I was telling the truth though; I could never be like you, a family man. I just didn’t have it in me.

This is amazing. I have nothing negative to say about this so I'll skip to what I love. You keep the pace really well and it contains so much emotion. I especially love the ending as I new it was coming but it still in awe, which, for me, is the best kind of ending. Also, you're characters are brilliant. You give almost no descrption and yet I'm still picturing them in my head. I loved it!!

D:

It's so sad... *sniffles*

But I'm so glad that you posted something! I enjoyed reading this and I also realised that I really like you writing in first person for some reason. Even though I don't think you do that very often and you prefer to write in third person, this felt really natural and realistic, and I think you should write more like this! I guess a part of it is because when you write in third person, it's so much easier somehow to put in a lot of dialogue, which you do because you're good at it, but this shows that you can do other things too. I thought it was very refreshing to have not so much dialogue in this, although the few bits were well-written and funny. I laughed a bit at "Watcha doooooin?" and "Nuh uh". And overall, I really liked the dialogue when they were kids.

Some things. I'm almost ashamed to point these out because they're so minor, but whatever...

I folded my arms and was determined not to talk to you but I didn’t want to admit defeat so I sat heavily on the bench, sulking.

This time you responded, and quickly.

“Nuh uh. When you in a park you play by running around a lot and throwing stuff.” Obviously my boyish logic was running my mind then.

“Is that?”

I am crying.