His Reality

Hello. I'm new here, and I found this. This was wonderful! I really liked this piece, it was very in-depth to me. I loved it!

my suggestions are in ().

^~~~~*~~~~^

The pain is so powerful(,)
His heart was hurting,
For he was not too careful,
It hurt so bad that he could feel the blood dripping in his heart.

The pain was unbearable (,)
He had to find a solution(,)
He was tempted by the demons
But shunned by the devil.

His reality was my fantasy(,)
To give in, give into the dark side(,)
"It wasn't hard," he said
But this acceptance was a lie.

The pain of a burning soul(,)
He could not bear.
The pain of a thoughtless mind(,)
He could not feel(, or .?)
For he was just a puppet waiting to be controlled!

^~~~~*~~~~^

Well done, I can really feel the poem(if you know what I mean by that), but it gives me a strong desire to help him, good job.

Hi there! I think everything that I was going to say has been covered by Ninja!
So I'll just tell you how good I thought it was
I know this is from May, and it's June, but I only just found the third one and didn't want to read that before this one! This is really good and I can't wait to be able to read the other two! I'd also like to read more of your work, aside from just poetry if you have any. Just shoot me a PM if you need anything read/reviewed and I'd be more than happy to take a look at it! Keep up all of the great writing, and stay insane, all of the good writers are c: Until next time,

--ForsakenAngel

Awesome!

Be warned, this is going to be a very blunt no glitter or frills review. If you do not wish to read a harsh review, do not continue reading this review. Enjoy.

FIrst off, "pain" is used too often in your poem. I would advise finding a thesaurus and looking up some synonyms for said word. The overuse of a single word in poetry can really disrupt the poem and drag too much attention to that word. It can be rather annoying to be told you have a scratch on your leg so many times - once or twice is okay, but more: just no.

It looks like you were trying to keep to a specific meter or structure, but you let it loose when you felt the poem needed it. It is a good sign that you recognise such things. Though, the final line of both the first and last stanza are long and jerky to the flow of the poem.

"For he was not too careful" really interupts the flow of the poem. "Wasn't" would have helped smooth out that line, though the first stanza could be wholly revised. "To give in, give in to the dark side" also interupts the flow. I would reccomend something along the lines of "To give in, in to the dark side".

The change of tense throughout the poem is also disruptive to the poem. It draws unnecessary confusion to the reader (the aim of a poem is not to confuse). Switching between is, was, and other such things is not very proffesional and once again draws attention away from the content.

"He was tempted by demons | But shunned by the devil." was my favourite part of your poem. It really resonated with the feel of the poem and just sort of perfectly slid into place. It's snippets like this that shows that you have promise. Don't be discouraged by harsh reviews 'cause honestly, they really do help.

Just as a little addition to my review, most poets go by the saying "show, don't tell". This is done by using techniques such as metaphors, similies, and using words to pint a picture. Just plain descibing what's happening is boring and uninteresting. An example of showing vs. telling is "i see you and hear your aching calls | a lost bird singing out for the safety of its mother" - showing, "i see you and hear your aching calls | you call out for my safety" - telling.

I hope this review helps you, and that you return the favour by reviewing a YWSer who hasn't got any reviews on his or her works.
- noni (== )<